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COEVRIOHT DSPOSm 



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miSH DIALECT EECITATIONS. 



CONTAININa 



A COLLECTION OF RARE IRISH STORIES, POETICAL AND PROSE 

RECITATIONS. HUMOROUS LETTERS, IRISH WITTICISMS. 

AND FUNNY RECITALS IN THE IRISH DIALECT. 



>i 



r 



EDITED BY WM. B. DICK. 



1/JJ..1..A 



J^-EW YOEK: 
DICK & FITZaERALD, PUBLISHERS, 

No. 18 Ann Street. 






Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1879, by 

DICK & FITZGERALD, 
In the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 



CONTENTS 



PAGE, 

Biddy's Tboubles 138 

BiETH or St. Pateick, The 81 

Bridget O'Eoolegoin's Letter 82 

CON^TOE 154 

Deemot O'Dowd 125 

Dick Macnamaea's Mateimokial Adyentuees 142 

Dyikg Co>teessiok of Paddy M'Cabe 78 

Fathee Mokloy 78 

Father Phil Blake's Collection 5 

Father Boach 112 

Fight of Hell-Kettle, The , . . .162 

Handy Aistdy's Little Mistakes 20 

Hov/ Dennis Took the Pledge 61 

How Pat Saved his Bacon 14 

Irish Asteonojiy 99 

Ieish Coquetry 103 

Irish Deumivier, The 47 

Ieish Letter, An 35 

Irish Philosopher, The 64 

Irish Teayelee, The 34 

Irishman's Panoraima, The 72 

JiMiiY McBrlde's Letter 89 

JiiMiMY Butler and the Owl 30 

KiN(i O'Toole and St. Kevin 104 

Kitty Malone 97 

Love in the Kitchen 140 

Mickey Free and the Priest 131 

Miss Malony on the Chinese Question 43 



4 CON^TEISTTS. 

PAGE.. 

Mr. O'Hoolahait's Mistake 94 

Paddy Blake's Echo 74 

Paddy Fagan's Pedigree 84 

Paddy McGeath and the Bear 91 

Paddy O'Rafther 62 

Paddy the Piper 49 

Paddy's Dream 4G 

Pat and the Fox 127 

Pat and the Gridiron 54 

Pat and his Musket 63 

Pat and the Oysters 88 

Pat's Criticism 126 

Pat's Letter 80 

Pat O'Flanigan's Colt 85 

Patrick O'Eouke and the Frogs 100 

Patjdeen O'Eafferty's Say Voyage 16 

Peter Mxjlrooney and the Black Filly 118 

Phaidrig Crohoore 122 

RoRY O'More's Present to the Priest 36 

St. Kevin 66 

Teddy O'Toole's Six Bulls 152 

Wake of Tim O'Hara, The 75 

Widow Cummiskey, The 68 



DICK'S 

IRISH DIALECT RECITATIONS. 



FATHER PHIL'S COLLECTION. 

SAMUEL LOVER. 

Abridged for Public Reading. 

Father Blake was more familiarly known by the name 
of Father Phil. By either title^ or in whatever capacity, 
the worthy Father had great influence over his parish, and 
there was a free-and-easy way with him, even in doing the 
most solemn duties, which agreed wonderfully with the 
devil-may-care spirit of Paddy. Stiff and starched for- 
mahty in any way is repugnant to the very nature of Irish- 
men. There are forms, it is true, and many in the Romish 
Church, but they are not cold forms, but attractive rather, 
to a sensitive people ; besides, I believe those very forms, 
when observed the least formally, are the most influential 
on the Irish. 

With all his intrinsic worth. Father Phil was, at the same 
time, a strange man in exterior manners ] for with an abun- 
dance of real piety, he had an abruptness of delivery, and 
^ strange way of mixing up an occasional remark to his 
^congregation in the midst of the celebration of the mass, 
which might well startle a stranger ; but this very want of 
formality made him beloved by the people, and they would 
do ten times as much for Father Phil as for the severe 
Father Dominick. 



6 FATHER PHIL'S COLLECTION. 

On the Sunday in question Father Phil intended deliver- 
ing an address to his flock from the altar, urging them to 
the necessity of bestirring themselves in the repairs of the 
chapel, which was in a very dilapidated condition, and at 
one end let in the rain through its worn-out thatch. A 
subscription was necessary ; and to raise this among a very 
impoverished people was no easy matter. The weather 
happened to be unfavorable, which was most favorable to 
Father Phil's purpose, for the rain dropped its arguments 
through the roof upon the kneeling people below, in the 
most convincing manner ] and as they endeavored to get 
out of the wet, they pressed round the altar as much as 
they could, for which they were reproved very smartly by 
his Reverence in the very midst of the mass. These inter- 
ruptions occurred sometimes in the most serious places, 
producing a ludicrous effect, of which the worthy Father 
was quite unconscious, in his great anxiety to make the 
people repair the chapel. 

A big woman was elbowing her way towards the rails of 
the altar, and Father Phil, casting a sidelong glance at 
her, sent her to the right-about, while he interrupted his 
appeal to Heaven to address her thus : 

"• Agnus Dei — You'd betther jump over the rails of the 
althar, I think. Go along out o' that, there's plenty o' 
room in the chapel below there — '^ 

Then he would turn to the altar and proceed with the 
service, till, turning again to the congregation, he per- 
ceived some fresh offender. 

^^ Orate, fratres ! — Will you mind what I say to you, 

and go along out o' that ? There's room below there. 

Thrue'for you, Mrs. Finn — it's a shame for him to be 

thramplin' on you. Go along, Darby Casey, down there, 

and kneel in the rain — ^it's a pity you haven't a decent 

woman's cloak under you, indeed ! Orate, f nitres P^ 
******* 

Again ke turned to pray, and after some time he made 



FATHER PHIL^S COLLECTIOK. 7 

an interval in the service to address Ms congregation on 
the subject of the repairs, and produced a paper contain- 
ing the names of subscribers to that pious work who had 
already contributed; by way of example to those who had 
not. 

'^ Here it is/' said Father Phil — ^^ here it is, and no deny- 
ing it — down in black and white } but if they who give are 
down in black, how much blacker are those who have not 
given at all ! But I hope they wiU be ashamed of them- 
selves when I howld up those to honor who have conthrib- 
uted to the uphowlding of the house of G-od. And isn't it 
ashamed o' yourselves you ought to be, to lave His house 
in such a condition ? and doesn't it rain a'most every Sun- 
day, as if He wished to remind you of your duty f aren't 
you wet to the skin a'most every Sunday? Oh, God is 
good to you ! to put you in mind of your duty, giving you 
such bitther cowlds that you are coughing and sneezin' 
every Sunday to that degree that you can't hear the blessed 
mass for a comfort and a benefit to you ; and so you'll go 
on sneezin' until you put a good thatch on the place, and 
prevent the appearance of the evidence from Heaven 
against you every Sunday, which is condemning you before 
your faces, and behind your backs too, for don't I see this 
minute a strame o' wather that might turn a mill running 
down Micky Mackavoy's back, between the collar of his 
coat and his shirt f 

Here a laugh ensued at the expense of Micky Mackavoy, 
who certainly zvas under a very heavy drip from the im- 
perfect roof. 

^^ And is it laughin' you are, you haythens ?" said Father 
Phil, reproving the merriment which he himself had pur- 
posely created, that lie might reprove it. ^^ Laughin' is it 
you are, at your backshdings and iD^sensibHity to the honor 
of God — ^laughhi' because when you come here to be saved, 
you are lost entirely with the wet ; and how, I ask you, 
are my words of comfort to enter your hearts when the 



8 FATHER PHIL^S COLLECTION. 

rain is pouring down your backs at the same time ? Sure 
I have no chance of turning your hearts while you are 
undher rain that might turn a mill— hut once put a good 
roof on the house^ and I will inundate you with piety ! 
Maybe it^s Father Dominick you would hke to have com- 
ing among you^ who would grind your hearts to powdher 
with his heavy words." (Here a low murmur of dissent 
ran through the throng.) ^^ Ha, ha ! so you wouldn't like 
it, I see— very well, very well— take care, then, for if I find 
you insensible to my moderate reproofs, you hard-hearted 
haythens, you malefacthors and cruel persecuthors, that 
won't put your hands in your pockets because your mild 
and quiet poor fool of a pasthor has no tongue in his head ! 
I say, your mild, quiet poor fool of a pasthor (for I know 
my own faults partly, God forgive me !) and I can't spake 
to you as you deserve, you hard-hving vagabonds, that are 
as insensible to your duties as you are to the weather. I 
wish it was sugar or salt that you were made of, and then 
the rain might melt you if I couldn't ; but no, them naked 
rafthers grins in your face to no purpose — you chate the 
house of God — ^but take care, maybe you won't chate 
the divil so aisy." (Here there was a sensation.) ^^ Ha, 
ha ! that makes you open your ears, does it ? More shame 
for you ] you ought to despise that dirty enemy of man, 
and depend on somethtug better — ^but I see I must call you 
to a sense of your situation with the bottomless pit undher 
you, and no roof over you. Oh, dear ! dear ! dear ! I'm 
ashamed of you — throth, if I had time and sthraw enough, 
I'd rather thatch the place myself than lose my time talk- 
ing to you ; sure the place is more like a stable than a 
chapel. Oh, think of that ! the house of God to be like a 
stable ! for though our Eedeemer was born in a stable, 
that is no reason why you are to keep his house always 
Jike one. 

^^ And now I will read you the hst of subscribers, and it 
will make you ashamed when you hear the names of several 



FATHEE PHIL^S COLLECTIO:CT. 9 

good and worthy Protestants in tlie parisli^ and out of it, 
toO; who have given more than the Cathohcs." 

SUBSCRIPTION LIST. 
Fob the Repairs and Enlargement of B a t.t.ysloug hguttheey Chapel. 

Philip Blake, P. P. 

Micky Hickey, £0 7s. 6d. '^ He might as well have 
made it ten shillings ; but half a loaf is hetther than no 
bread." 

^^ Plaze your EeverencC;" says Mick, from the body of 
the chapel; ^^ sure seven and sixpence is more than the 
half of ten shillings." (A laugh.) 

'^ Oh, how witty you are ! Faith, if you knew your 
prayers as well as your arithmetic, it would be better for 
you, Micky." 

Here the Father turned the laugh against Mick. 

Billy Eiley, £0 35. 4cZ. ^^ Of course he means to sub- 
scribe again !" 

John Dwyer, £0 155. Od ^^ That^s somethmg like ! I'll 
be bound he^s only keeping back the odd five shillings for 
a brush-fall o^ paint for the althar ; it's as black as a crow, 
instead o^ being white as a dove." 

He then hurried over rapidly some small subscribers as 
follows : 

Peter Hefferman, £0 l5. 8^. 

James Mmphy, £0 25. M. 

Mat Donovan, £0 l5. Zd. 

Luke Dannely, £0 35. M, 

Jack Quigly, £0 25. Id. 

Pat Finnegan, £0 25. 2d. 

Edward O'Conkor, Esq., £2 O5. Od. ^^ There's for you 1 
Edward O^Connor, Esq. — a Frotestant in the parisJi — two 
pounds." 

^^ Long hfe to him !" cried a voice in the chapel. 

^^Amen!" said Father Phil; ^^Pm not ashamed to be 
clerk to so good a prayer." 



10 FATHER PHIL'S COLLECTION. 

Nicholas Fagan^ £0 2s. 6d. 

Yoiing Nicholas Fagan, £0 5c. Od. ''• Young Nick is bet- 
ther than ould Nick, you see.'' 

Tun Doyle, £0 7s. M. 

Owny Doyle, £1 05. M. ^^ Well done, Owny na Coppal 
— you deserve to prosper, for you make good use of your 
thiivings." 

Sunon Leary, £0 25. M. ; Bridget Murphy, £0 105. M, 

^^You ought to be ashamed o' yourself, Simon: a lone 

widow woman gives more than you." 

******* 

Jude Moylan, £0 55. Od. "• Very good, Judy, the women 
are behaving hke gentlemen; they'll have their reward in 
the next world." 

Pat Finnerty, £0 85. Ad. ^^I'm not sure if it is 85. Ad. 
or 35. Ad. J for the figure is blotted, but I beheve it is 85. 4cZ." 

^' It was three and fourpince I gave your Ileverence,'^ 
said Pat fi'om the crowd. 

^^ Well, Pat, as I said eight and fourpence, you must not 
let me go back 0' my word, so bring me five shillings next 
week.'^ 

^^ Sm^e you wouldn't have me pay for a blot, sir f 

^^Yis, I would; that's the rule of backgammon, you 
know, Pat. When I hit the mark, you pay for it." 

Here his Reverence turned around, as if looking for some 
one, and called out, ^^ Eatierty ! Eafferty ! Eafferty ! Where 
are you, Eafferty f ' 

An old gray-headed man appeared, bearing a large 
plate, and Father Phil continued — 

^^ There now, be active — I'm sending him among you, 
good people, and such as cannot give as much as you 
would hke to be read before your neighbors, give what ht- 
tle you can towards the repairs, and I will continue to read 
out the names by way of encouragement to you — and the 
next name I see is that of Squke Egan. Long life to 
him !" 



FATHER PHIL'S C0LLECTI0:N^. 11 

Squire Egax^ £5 Os. Od. ^^ Squire Egan — ^five pounds 
— ^listen to that — a Protestant in the parish — rive pounds ! 
Faith; the Protestants will make you ashamed of your- 
selves if you don't take care.'^ 

Mrs. Flanagan, £2 Qs. Od. ^^Not her o^nparish, either 
— a fine lady.'- 

James MiUigan of Eoundtown, £1 05. Od. ^^ And here I 
must remark that the people of Eoundtown have not been 
backward in coming forward on this occasion. I have a 
long hst from Roundtown — I will read it seioarate.'^ He 
then proceeded at a great pace, jumbhng the town and the 
pounds and the people in the most extraordinary manner : 
^' James Milhgan of Roimdtown, one pound ; Darby Daly 
of Eoundtownj one pound , Sam Finnegan of Eoundtown, 
one pound ; James Casey of Eoundi30und, one town ; Kit 
Dwyer of Townpoujid, one round — ^pound, I mane; Pat 
Eoundpound, — Pounden, I mane — Pat Pounden a pound 
of Poundtown also — there's an example for you ! — 

^^But what are you about, Eafferty? I don't like the 
sound of that pla^te of yours — ^you are not a good gleaner — 
go up first into the gallery there, where I see so many 
good-looking bonnets — I suppose they will give something 
to keep their bonnets out of the rain, for the wet will be 
Into the gaUery next Sunday if they don't. I think that is 
Kitty Crow I see, getting her bit of sUver ready ; them 
ribbons of yours cost a trifle, Kitty — Well, good Chris- 
tians, here is more of the subscription for you." 

Matthew Lavery, £0 25. 6d. ''He doesn^t belong to 
Boundtown — Eoundtown will be renowned m future ages 
for the support of the Church. Mark my words ! Eound- 
town will prosper from this day out — Eoundtown wnl be a 
rising place.'^ 

Mark Hennessy, £0 25. 6d; Luke Clancy, £0 25. M.; 
JohnDoohn, £0 25. M. ^^One would think they had all 
agreed only to give two and sixpence apiece. And they 
comfortable men, too ! And look at theh names — Mat- 



12 FATHER PHIL'S COLLECTION. 

thew, Mark; Luke and John — tlie names of the blessed 
EvangehstS; and only ten shillings among them. Oh, they 
are apostles not worthy the name — we'll call them the poor 
apoRtles from this out !" (Here a low laugh ran through 
the chapel.) ^^Do you hear that^ Matthew, Mark, Luke 
and John f Faith ! I can tell you that name will stick to 
you." (Here the laugh was louder.) 

A voice, when the laugh subsided, exclaimed; ''• I'll make 
it ten shilhn's, your Reverence." 

" ^¥ho's that f" said Father Phil. 

^^ Hennessy, your Reverence." 

^^ Very well, Mark. I suppose Matthew, Luke and John 
will follow your example ?" 

^^ We will, your Reverence." 

^^ Ha ! I thought you made a mistake ; we'll call you now 
the faithful apostles — and I think the change in yom^ name 
is better than seven and sixpence apiece to you. 

" I see you in the gallery there, Rafferty. What do you 
pass that well-dressed woman for f thry back — Ha ! see 
that, she had her money ready if you only asked her for it 
^-don't go by that other woman there — Oh, ho ! So you 
won't give anything, ma'am ? You ought to be ashamed 
of yourself. There is a woman with an elegant sthraw bon- 
net, and she won't give a farthing. Well now, afther that, 
remember — I give it fi'om the althar, that from this day 
out sthraw bonnets pay fi'penny pieces." 

Thomas Durfy, Esq., £1 Os. Od, ^'It's not his parish, 
and he's a brave gentleman.'^ 

Miss Fanny Dawson, £1 05. Od. '^ A Protestant out of 
the parish J and a sweet young lady, God bless her ! Oh, 
faith, the Protestants is shaming you !" 

Dennis Fannin, £0 7s, M. ^^ Very good indeed, for a 
working mason." 

Jemmy Riley, £0 55. M, ^^Not bad for a hedge car- 
penther." 

"• I gave you ten, plaze your Reverence," shouted Jem- 



FATHEE PHIL^S COLLECTIOl^J". 13 

my; ^^ and by the same token, you may remember it was 
on the Nativity of the blessed Yargin, sir, I gave you the 
second five shillings. '^ 

^^ So you did, Jemmy," cried Father Phil ; ^^ I put a little 
cross before it, to remind me of it ; but I was in a hurry to 
make a sick call when you gave it to me, and forgot it 
afther : and indeed myself doesn^t know what I did with 
that same uyg shillings." 

Here a paUid woman, who was kneehng near the rails of 
the altar, uttered an impa^ssioned blessing, and exclaimed, 
^^ Oh, that was the very five shillings, I^m sure, you gave 
to me that very day, to buy some little comforts for my 
poor husband, who was dying in the fever !" and the poor 
woman bm^st into loud sobs as she spoke. 

A deep thrill of emotion ran through the flock as this ac- 
cidental proof of their poor pastor's beneficence burst upon 
them ; and as an affectionate murmur began to rise above 
the silence which that emotion produced, the burly Father 
Phihp blushed like a girl at this publication of his charity, 
and even at the foot of that altar where he stood, felt 
something like shame in being discovered in the commis- 
sion of that virtue so highly commended by the Providence 
to whose worship that altar was raised. He uttered a 
hasty '' Whisht, whisht !" and waved with his outstretched 
hands his flock into silence. 

In an instant one of those sudden changes so common to 
an Irish assembly, and scarcely credible to a stranger, 
took place. The multitude was hushed, the grotesque of 
the subscription hst had passed away and was forgotten, 
and that same man and that same multitude stood in 
altered relations — thet/ were again a reverent flock, and lie 
once more a solemn pastor ; the natural play of his nation's 
mirthful sarcasm was absorbed in a moment in the sacred- 
ness of his office, and, with a solemnity befitting the 
highest occasion, he placed his hands together before his 
breast, and, raising his eyes to Heaven, he poured forth 



14 HOW PAT SAVED HIS BACOIT. 

his sweet voice^ with a tone of the deepest devotion, in 
that reverential call for prayer, ^^ Orate^ fratres P^ 

The soimd of a multitude gently kneeling down followed, 
like the soft breaking of a quiet sea on a sandy beach ; 
and when Father Philip turned to the altar to pray, his 
pent-up feelings found vent in tears, and while he prayed 
he wept. 

I believe such scenes as this are of not unfrequent occur- 
rence in Ireland — that country so longsufferiug, so much 
maligned, and so little understood. 

Oh, rulers of Ireland ! w^hy have you not sooner learned 
to lead that people by love, whom all your severity has 
been unable to drive f 



HOW PAT SAVED HIS BACON. 

ANON. 

Early one fine morning, as Terence OTleary was hard 
at work in his potatOrgarden, he was accosted by his gos- 
sip, Mick Casey, who he perceived had his Sunday clothes 
on. 

'^ God's 'bud ! Terry, man, what would you be afther 
doing there wid them praties, an Phelim O'Loughhn's 
bemn' goin' to take place *? Come along, ma bochel ! sure 
the praties will wait." 

^' Och ! no," sis Terry, ^^ I must dig on this ridge for the 
childer's breakfast, an' thin I'm goin' to confession to 
Father O'Higgins, who holds a stashin beyont there at his 
own house." 

^^ Bother take the stashin !" sis Mick, ^^ sure that ^ud wait 
too.'^ But Terence was not to be persuaded. 

Away went Mick to the ^^ berrin' ;" and Terence, having 
finished ^^wid the praties," as he said, went down to 
Father O'Higgins, where he was shown into the kitchen, 
to wait Ms turn for confession. He had not been long 
standing there, before the kitchen fire, when his attention 



B.OW PAT SAVED HIS BACOIT. 15 

was attracted by a nice piece of bacon, which hung in the 
chimney-comer. Terry looked at it again and again, and 
wished the childer ^^ had it at home wid the praties." 

^^ Mmther alive I" says he, ^^ will I take it f Sure the 
priest can spare it ; an' it would be a rare thrate to Judy 
an' the gossoons at home, to say nothin' iv myself, who 
hasn't tasted the hkes this many's the day." Terry looked 
at it again, and then turned away, saying, '^ I won't take 
it — why would I, an' it not mine, but the priest's 1 an' I'd 
have the sin iv it, sure*! I won't take it," rephed he, '^ an' 
it's nothin' but the Ould Boy himself that's temptin' me ! 
But sure it's no harm to feel it, any way," said he, taking 
it into his hand, and looking earnestly at it. ^' Och ! it's a 
beauty ; and why wouldn't I carry it home to Judy and 
the childer ? An' sure it won't be a sin afther I confesses 
it!" 

Well, into his greatcoat pocket he thrust it ; and he had 
scarcely done so, when the maid came in and told him that 
it was his tmn for confession. 

^^ Murther alive ! I'm kilt and ruin'd, horse and foot, now, 
boy, Terry; what'IL I do in this quandary, at all, at all? 
By gannies ! I must thry an' make the best of it, any 
how," says he to himself, and in he went. 

He knelt to the priest, told his sins, and was about to 
receive absolution, when all at once he seemed to recoUect 
himself, and cried out : 

^^ Oh ! stop — ^stop. Father O'Higgins, dear ! for goodness 
sake, stop ! I have one great big sin to tell yit ; only, sir, 
I'm frightened to tell id, in the regard of never having 
done the like afore, sur, niver !" 

^^Come," said Father O'Higgins. ^^You must tell it to 
me." 

^* Why, then, your Eiverince, I will tell id ,* but, sir, I'm 
ashamed like." 

^^ Oh, never mind ! tell it," said the priest. 

^^ Why, then, your Riverince, I went out one day to a 



16 PATJDEEN O'EAFFERTY'S SAT YOYAGE. 

gintleman^s house, upon a little bit of business, an^ be 
bein^ ingaged, I was showed into the kitchen to wait. 
Well, sur, there I saw a beautiful bit iv bacon hanging in 
the chimbly-corner. I looked at id, your Eivermce, an' 
luy teeth began to wather. I don't know how it was, sur, 
but I suppose the Divil timpted me, for I put it into my 
pocket ; but, if you plaize, sur, I'll give it to you," and he 
put his hand into his pocket. 

^^ Give it to me !" said Father O'Higgins ; ^^ no, certainly 
not ; give it back to the owner of it»" 

^^ Why, then, your Eiverince, sur, I offered id to him, and 
he wouldn't take id." 

^^Oh! he wouldn't, wouldn't he?" said the priest; 
'^ then take it home, and eat it yourself, with your family." 

^' Thank your Eiverince kindly !" says Terence, " an' I'll 
do that same immediately, plaize God; but first and fore- 
most, I'll have the absolution, if you plaize, sir." 

Terence received absolution, and went home rejoicing 
that he had been able to save his soul and his bacon at the 
same time. 



PAUDEEN O'RAFFERTY'S SAY 
VOYAGE. 

ANONYMOUS. 

A Laughable Irish Recitation. 

Sure now, ladies and gintlemen, if ye plaze, I'U relate 
the great mistake I made when I came here to Naples- 
stop, aisy, Paudeen, and don't decaive the ladies and gin- 
tlemen ; for, bedad, I didn't come at ah ; they brought 
me, in a ship — a grate big ship, with two big sticks stand- 
ing out of it. Masts they call them, bad luck to it and the 
day I saw it. If I had been an ignorant feUow and didn't 
know joggraphy and the likes, I'd be safe enough at home 
now, so I would, in me own cellar, on the Coal-Quay in 



PATXDEE]^ O^RAPFEETY^S SAT VOYAGE. 17 

Dublin. But, divil fire, me ! I must be making a man of 
myself, showing me laming me knowledge of similitude, 
and the likes. You see, I wint over to England on a bit 
of an agricultural speculation — ^hay-makin' and harvest- 
rapin^ — and, the saison behi' good, I realized a fortune, so 
I did — a matter of thirty shilhngs or so. 

So says I to myself, says I, ^^ Nov I have got an indipin- 
dant competance, I'U go back to Ireland — I U buy it out, 
and make meself emperor of it." So I axed one of the 
boys which was my nearest way to Bristol, to go be the 
say. So, says one of them — (be the same token he was a 
cousin of mine — one Terry O'Rafierty — as dacint a boy as 
you could wish to meet, and as handy with a shillaly. 
Why, I ve seen htm clear a tint at Donnybrook fair in less 
than two minutes, with divil a won to help except his bit 
of a stick, an^ you know that^s no aisy job.) 

Wen, says Terry to me, says he, " Go down to the quay," 
says he, ^^ and you'll find out all about it while a cat 'd be 
hckin' her ear." 

Well, I wint to a man that was standin' by the dure of a 

pubhc house — it was the sign of— the sign ^What the 

divil is this the sign was ? — ^you see I like to be sarcum- 
spectious ui me joggraphy— it was the sign of the blind 
cow kicking the dead " man's eyes out — or the dead man 
kicking the bliud cows eyes out — or the dead man's cow 
kicking the blind— no — weU, it was something that way, 
anyhow. 

So says I to the man, ^^ Sk," says I, '- 1 want a ship.'' 

^^ There you are," says he. 

^^ Where?" says L 

^^ There," says he. 

'' Thank you/' Says I. " Which of thun's for Ireland?" 

^^ Oh, you're an ould-countryman," says he. 

" How the divil did you find that out ?" says I. 

^^ I know it," says he. 

" Who tould you f " says I. 



18 PAUDEEN O^RAEEERTY^S SAT VOYAGE. 

"• No matther," says lie. '' Come/^ says he. 

'' I will/^ says I. 

Well^ we wint in, and we liad a half a pint of whisky. 
Oh, bedad, it ^d have done your heart good to see the bade 
rise on the top of it. Maybe my heart didn't warm to 
him, an' his to me, aw murther ! 

^' Erin go bragh !" says he. 

^' Ceadh mille failthe !" says I. 

And there we wor, like two sons of an Irish king, in less 
than a minute. 

Thin we got to discoorsing about Dublin and Naples, an' 
other furrin parts that we wor acquainted with, and he 
began talking about how like the Bay of Naples was to the 
Bay of Dublin — for, you see, he was an ould soger, d'ye 
mindf — an' thim oidd sogers are always mighty 'cute 
chaps. He was a grate big chap that was off in the wars 
among the Frinch and the Spaniards and the Eushers, and 
other barbarians. So we got talking of similitude an' jog- 
graj^hy, an' the likes, and mixin' Naples an' wather and 
Dublin an' whisky ) and be me sowl, purty punch we made 
of it! 

I was in the middle o' my glory, whin in walks the cap- 
tain o' the ship. 

'^ Any one here to go aboord ?" says he. 

'^ Here I am," says T. 

And be the same token, me head was quite soft with the 
whisky, and talking about Dublin an' Naples, and Naples 
an' whisky, and wather an' Dublin, Dublin an' Naples, 
Naples an' Dubhn— bad cess to me ! but I said the one 
place instead of the other, whin they axed me where I 
was going, d'ye mind ? 

"Well, they brought me aboord the ship as dhrunk as a 
lord, and threw me down in the cellar— the hould, they 
called it, and the divil's own hould it was— wid sacks, 
pigs, praties, an' other passengers, an' there they left me 
in lavendher, hke Paddy Ward's pig. 



PAUDEEN O^RAEFEETY^S SAY VOYAGE. 19 

I fell asleep the first week. Wliin I woke up, didn't I 
heave ahead m me sthomatics enough to make me back- 
bone an' me ribs strike fire ! 

^^ Arrah/^ says I to meself, says I, ^^ are they ever going 
to take me home f^ 

Just thin I h'ard a voice sing out : 

'' There's the Bay !" 

That was enough for me. I scrambled up-stairs till I 
got on the roof— the deck they call it — as fast as me legs 
could carry me. 

^^ Land-ho !'^ says one of the chaps. 

'^ Where ?" says I. 

'^ There it is/' says he. 

^^ For the love of glory, show me where !" says I. 

^^ There, over the cat's head," says he. 

I looked around, but the divil recaive the cat's-head or 
dog's tail aither I could see ! The blaggard stared at me 
as if I was a banshee or a fairy. I gev another look, and 
there was the Bay, sm^e enough, afore me. 

^^ Arrah good luck to you !" says I, ^^ but you warm the 
cockles of me heart. But what's come over the Hill of 
Howth ?" says I. ^^ It used to be a civil, paiceable soort 
of a mountain ; but now it's splutthering an' smokin' away 
like a grate big lime-kiln. Sure the boys must have ht a 
big bone-fire on top of it, to welcome me !" 

With that, a vagabone that was hstenin' to me, cries 
out in a horse-laugh : 

'' Hill of Howth ?" says he. "You're a Grecian — ^that's 
not the Hill of Howth." 

" Not the Hin of Howth?" says I. 

"No," says he. "That's Mount Vesuvius." 

"Aisy, aisy!" says I. "Isn't Mount Yesulpherous in 
Italy?" 

" Yis," says he. 

" An' isn't Italy in France I" says I. 

" Of coorse it is,'^ says he. 



20 TTA-Nrnv a:[^by^s little mistakes. 

'^ An^ isn^t France in Gibberalther f ^ says I. 

^^ To be sure/^ says lie. 

^' An' isn't Gibberalther in Eussia V^ says I. 

^' Maybe so/' says he. ^^ But we're in Italy, anyhow— 
this is the Bay of Naples, and that is Mount Vesuvius." 

'^ Ai^e you sure f says I. 

^^ I am/' says he. 

And, be me sowl, it was thrue for him. The ship made 
a Ug hhmdher in takin' me to Naples, whin I wanted to 
go to Dublin, d'ye mind ? 



HANDY ANDY'S LITTLE MISTAKES. 

LOVER, 

A LaiighaUe Irish Story. 

Andy Eooney was a fellow who had the most singularly 
ingenious knack of doing everything the wi^ong way ; dis- 
appointment waited on all affairs in which he bore a part, 
and destruction was at his fingers' ends : so the nickname 
the neighbors stuck upon him was Handy Andy, and the 
jeering jingle pleased him. 

When Andy grew up to be what in country parlance is 
caUed ^^ a brave lump of a boy," his mother thought he 
was old enough to do something for himself; so she took 
him one day along with her to the squire's, and waited 
outside the door, loitering up and down the yard behind 
the house, among a crowd of beggars and great lazy dogs, 
that were thrusting their heads into every hon pot that 
stood outside the kitchen door, until chance might give 
her ^^ a sight o' the squire afore he wint out, or afore he 
wint in /' and after spendtag her entire day in this idle 
way, at last the squire made his appearance, and Judy 
presented her son, who kept scraping his foot, and pulling 
his forelock, that stuck out like a piece of ragged thatch 
from his forehead, making his obeisance to the squire, 
while his mother was sounding his praises for being the 



HAOT)Y Al!a)Y'S LITTLE MISTAKES. 21 

'^ handiest crayther alive — and so willin^ — ^nothin' comes 
wrong to him.^^ 

^^ I suppose the Enghsh of all this is, you want me to 
take him f ^ said the squire. 

"• Throth, an^ your honor, that's just it — ^if your honor 
would be plazed." 

'' What can he do f ' 

^^ Anything, your honor. '^ 

^^ That means nothing, I suppose/' said the squire. 

^^ Oh, no, sir. Everything, I mane, that you would de- 
sire him to do." 

To every one of these assurances on his mother's part, 
Andy made a how and a scrape. 

^^ Can he take care of horses ?" 

^^ The best of care, sir," said the mother, while the 
miller, who was standing behind the squire, waiting for 
orders, made a grimace at Andy, who was obhged to cram 
his face into his hat to hide the laugh, which he could 
hardly smother from being heard, as well as seen. 

'^ Let him come, then, and help in the stables, and we'll 
see what he can do." 

'^ May the Lord—" 

^^ That'll do— there, now go." 

^^ Oh, sure, but I'll pray for you, and — " 

^^ Will you go!" 

^^And may the angels make your honor's bed this 
blessed night, I pray." 

^' If you don't go, your son shan't come." 

Judy and her hopeful boy turned to the right-about in 
double-quick time, and hurried down the avenue. 

The next day Andy was duly installed into his office of 
stable-helper ; and, as he was a good rider, he was soon 
made whipper-in to the hounds, for there was a want of 
such a fimctionary in the estabhshment ) and Andy's bold- 
ness in this capacity soon made him a favorite with the 
squire; who was one of those rollicking boys on the pat- 



22 HANDY ANDY'S LITTLE MISTAKES. 

tern of the old school, who scorned the attentions of a 
regular valet, and let any one that chance threw m his 
way bring him his boots, or his hot water for shaving, or 
his coat, whenever it ivas brushed. One morning, Andy, 
who was very often the attendant on such occasions, came 
to his room with hot water. He tapped at the door. 

'' Who's that I" said the squire, who had just risen, and 
did not know but it might be one of the women servants. 

'^ It's me, sir." 

'' Oh— Andy ! Come in." 

'^ Here's the hot water, sir," said Andy, bearing an 
enormous tin can. 

^^ Why, what the devil brings that enormous tin can 
here ? You might as well bring the stable bucket." 

^^ I beg your pardon, sir," said Andy, retreating. In 
two minutes more Andy came back, and, tapping at the 
door, put in his head cautiously and said, ^^ The maids in 
the kitchen, your honor, says there's not so much hot 
water ready." 

^^ Did I not see it a moment since in your hand?" 

'^ Yes, sir ; but that's not nigh the full o' the stable- 
bucket !" 

^^Go along, you stupid thief! and get me some hot 
water directly." 

^' Will the can do, sir?" 

'^ Ay, anything, so you make haste." 

Off posted Andy, and back he came with the can. 

^^ Where'U I put it, sir?" 

^^ Throw this out," said the squire, handing Andy a jug 
containing some cold water, meaning the jug to be re- 
plenished with the hot. 

Andy took the jug, and the window of the room being 
open, he very deliberately threw the jug out. The squire 
started with wonder, and at last said : 

^' What did you do that for?" 

^' Sure you towld me to throw it out, sir." 



ha:n"dy andy^s little mistakes. 23 

^^ Go out of this^ you thick-headed villain !'^ said the 
squire^ throwing his boots at Andy's head, along with some 
very neat curses. Andy retreated, and thought himself a 
very ill-used person. 

The first time Andy was admitted into the mysteries of 
the dining-room, great was his wonder. The butler took 
him in to give him some previous instructions, and Andy 
was so lost in admiration at the sight of the assembled 
glass and plate, that he stood with his mouth and eyes 
wide open, and scarcely heard a word that was said to 
him. 

^^ What are you looking at?" said the butler. 

^^ Them things, sh," said Andy, pointing to some silver 
forks. 

^^ Is it the forks ?" said the butler. 

^^Oh no, sir. I know what forks is very well; but I 
never seen them things afore." 

'^ What things do you mean!" 

^^ These things, sir," said Andy, taking up one of the 
silver forks, and turning it round and round in his hand 
in utter astonishment, while the butler grinned at his 
ignorance, and enjoyed his own superior knowledge. 

'' Well," said Andy, after a long pause, ^^ the devil be 
from me if ever I seen a silver spoon spht that way be- 
fore !" 

The butler gave a horse-laugh, and made a standing 
joke of Andy^s spht spoon; but time and experience made 
Andy less impressed with wonder at the show of plate and 
glass, and the spht spoons became famihar as '' household 
words " to him ) yet still there were things in the duties of 
table attendance beyond Andy's comprehension — ^he used 
to hand cold plates for fish, and hot plates for jelly, etc. 
But ^^ one day," as Zanga says — ^^ one day " he was thrown 
off his centre in a remarkable degree by a bottle of soda- 
water. 

It was when that combustible was first introduced into 



24 HANDY AKDY^S LITTLE MISTAKES. 

Ireland as a dinner beverage that the occnrence took 
place, and Andy had the luck to be the person to whom a 
gentleman applied for some soda-water. 

'^Sirf^ said Andy. 

'^ Soda-water," said the guest, in that subdued tone in 
which people are apt to name their wants at a dinner-table. 

Andy went to the butler. 

^^ Mr. Morgan, there^s a gintleman — " 

'^ Let me alone, will you f ^ said Morgan. 

Andy maneuvered round him a httle longer, and again 
essayed to be heard. 

^^Mr. Morgan!" 

'^ Don't you see I'm as busy as I can be ? Can't you do 
it yourself?" 

^' I dunno what he wants." 

'^ Well, go and ax him," said Mr. Morgan. 

Andy went off as he was bidden, and came behind the 
thirsty gentleman's chair, with " I beg yoiu" pardon, sir." 

^' Well," said the gentleman. 

^^ I beg your pardon, sir ; but what's this you axed me 
for?" 

" Soda-water." 

'^What, sir?" 

^^ Soda-water; but perhaps you have not any." 

^' Oh, there's plenty in the house, sir ! Would you like 
it hot, sh ? " 

The gentleman laughed, and supposing the new fashion 
was not understood in the present company, said, " Never 
mind." 

But Andy was too anxious to please to be so satisfied, 
and again applied to Mr. Morgan. 

'' Sir ! " said he. 

^^ Bad luck to you ! — can't you let me alone ? " 

^^ There's a gentleman wants some soap and wather." 

^^ Some what?" 

^' Soap and wather, sir." 



HAKDY AXDY'S little MISTAKES. 25 

'^ Divil sweep you ! — Soda-wather, you mane. You'll get 
it under the sideboard." 

^^ Is it in the can, sir f ^^ 

^^ The curse o' Crum'll on you ! in the bottles." 

'^ Is this it; sh" ?" said Andy, producing a bottle of ale. 

^^ No, bad cess to you ! — the little bottles." 

'^ Is it the little bottles with no bottoms, sir ?" 

'^ I wish you wor in the bottom o^ the say !" said Mr. 
Morgan, who was faming and puffing, and rubbing down 
his face with a napkin, as he was hurrying to all quarters 
of the room, or, as Andy said, in praising his activity, that 
he was, ^^ like bad luck — everywhere." 

^^ There they are !" said Morgan at last, 

^^ Oh ! them bottles that won^t stand," said Andy ; ^^sure 
themes what I said, with no bottoms to them. Howll I 
open it ? — ^it^s tied down." 

^^ Cut the cord, you fool !" 

Andy did as he was desired ; and he happened at the 
time to hold the bottle of soda-water on a level with the 
candles that shed hght over the festive board from a large 
silver branch, and the moment he made the incision, bang 
went the bottle of soda, knocking out two of the lights 
with the projected cork, which, performing its parabola 
the length of the room, struck the squhe himself in the 
eye at the foot of the table ) while the hostess at the head 
had a cold bath down her back. Andy, when he saw the 
soda-water jumping out of the bottle, held it from him at 
arm^s length ; every fizz it made, exclaiming, ^^ Ow ! — ow ! 
— ow ! — " and, at last, when the bottle was empty, he 
roared out, ^^ Oh, Lord— it^s all gone !" 

Great was the commotion; — few could resist laughter 
except the ladies, who all looked at their gowns, not lik- 
ing the mixture of satin and soda-water. The extinguished 
candles were re-lighted — the squire got his eye open again 
— and the next time he perceived the butler sufficiently 
near to speak to him, he said in a low and hurried tone of 



26 HANDY ANDY'S LITTLE MISTAKES. 

deep anger, while he Imit his brow, '^ Send that fellow out of 
the room V^ but, within the same instant, resumed the for- 
mer smile, that beamed on all around as if nothing had 
happened. 

Andy was expelled the dining-room m disgrace, and 
for days kept out of the master^s and mistress's way : in 
the meantime the butler made a good story of the thing in 
the servants' haU ; and, when he held up Andy^s ignorance 
to ridicule, by telling how he asked for ^^ soap and water," 
Andy was given the name of '^ Suds," and was called by 
no other for months after. 

But, though Andy's functions in the interior were sus- 
pended, his services in out-of-door affairs were occasionally 
put in requisition. But here his evil genius still haunted 
him, and he put his foot in a piece of business his master 
sent him upon one day, which was so simple as to defy 
almost the chance of Andy making any mistake about it ; 
but Andy was very ingenious in his own particular hue. 

'^ Eide into the town and see if there's a letter for me," 
said the squire one day to our hero. 

'^ Yes, sir.'^ 

^' You kuow where to go ?" 

^^ To the town, sir." 

'' But do you know where to go in the town ?" 

^' No, sir." 

^^ And why don't you ask, you stupid thief ?" 

^^ Sure I'd find out, sir." 

'^ Didn't I often teU you to ask what you're to do, when 
you don't know ?" 

^^ Yes, sir." 

^^ And why don't you ?" 

''I don't like to be troublesome, sir." 

^^ Confound you !" said the squire ; though he could not 
help laughing at Andy's excuse for remaining In ignorance. 
^^ Well,'^ continued he, ^^go to the post-office. You know 
the post-office I suppose I" 



HANDY ANDY^S LITTLE MISTAKES. 27 

'^ Yes, sir; where they sell gunpowder.'^ 

^^ You're right for once/' said the sqiui^e ; for hismajesty^s 
postmaster was the person who had the privilege of deal- 
ing in the aforesaid combustible. '^ GrO then to the post- 
ofiice and ask for a letter for me. Eemember, not gun- 
powder, but a letter.'^ 

^^ YiS; sir/^ said Andy, who got astride of his hack, and 
trotted away to the post-office. On arriving at the shop 
of the postmaster (for that person carried on a brisk trade- 
in groceries, gimlets, broadcloth, and hnen-drapery), Andy 
presented himself at the counter, and said, ^^ I want a 
letther, sir, if you plaze.'^ 

^^ Who do you want it for?'^ said the postmaster, in a 
tone which Andy considered an aggression upon the 
sacredness of private life; so Andy thought the coolest 
contempt he could throw upon the prying impertinence of 
the postmaster was to repeat his question. 

^^ I want a letther, sir, if you plaze.'^ 

'^And who do you want it for?'' repeated the post- 
master. 

'' What's that to you?" said Andy. 

The postmaster, laughing at his simplicity," told him he 
could not tell what letter to give him imless he told him 
the directions. 

^^ The directions I got was to get a letther here — that's 
the directions." 

^^ Who gave you those directions V^ 

'' The masther." 

^^ And who's your master?" 

^^ What consarn is that o' yours?" 

'^ Why, you stupid rascal ! if you don't tell me his name, 
bow can I give you a letter ?" 

^^ You could give it if you liked, but you're fond of axin' 
mapident questions, bekase you think I'm simple." 

^^ Go along out o' this ! Your master must be as great a 
goose as yourself, to send such a messenger." 



28 HAJSTDY A^mY^S LITTLE MISTAKES. 

'^ Bad luck to your impidence," said Andy ; '^ is it Squire 
Egan you dare to say goose to V^ 

'^ Oil, Squire Egan's yoiir master, then?" 

^^ Yes ] liave you anything to say agin it ?" 

^^ Only that I never saw you before." 

'' Faith, then you'll never see me agin if I have my own 
consent." 

"' I won't give you any letter for the squne, unless I 
know you're his servant. Is there any one in the town 
knows you ?" 

^^ Plenty," said Andy ; '^ it's not every one is as ignorant 
as you." 

Just at this moment a person to whom Andy was known 
entered the house, who vouched to the postmaster that he 
might give Andy the squire's letter. "• Have you one for 
me?" 

'^ Yes, sir," said the postmaster, producing one — ^^ four- 
pence." 

The gentleman paid the fourpence postage, and left the 
shop with his letter. 

'^Here's a letter for the squire," said the postmaster; 
'^ you've to pay me elevenpence postage." 

'^ What 'ud I pay elevenpence for?" 

'^ For postage." 

^^ To the divil wid you ! Didn't I see you give Mr. 
Durfy a letther for fourpence this minit, and a bigger let- 
ter than this ? and now you want me to pay elevenpence 
for this scrap of a thing. Do you think I'm a fool ?" 

^' No ; but I'm sure of it," said the postmaster. 

^^ WeU, you're welkim to be sure, sure ; — ^but don't be 
delayin' me now : here's fourpence for you, and gi' me the 
letther." 

^^ Oo along, you stupid thief!" said the postmaster, tak- 
ing up the letter, and going to serve a customer with a 
mousetrap. 
While this person and many others were served, Andy 



HAI^TDY AXDT^S LITTLE MISTAKES. 29 

lounged up and down the shop, every now and then put- 
ting in his head in the middle of the customers; and say- 
mg, '^ Will you gi' me the lettherf ' 

He waited for above half an hour, in defiance of the 
anathemas of the postmaster, and at last left, when he 
found it impossible to get common justice for his master, 
which he thought he deserved as well as another man ; 
for, under this impression, Andy determined to give no 
more than lom^pence. 

The squhe in the meantime was getting impatient for 
his return, and when Andy made his appearance asked if 
there was a letter for him. 

^^ There is, sir,'' said Andy. 

" Then give it to me.'' 

'^ I haven^t it, sir." 

'^ What do you mean f^ 

" He wouldn^t give it to me, sir.'^ 

^^ Who wouldn^t give it to you!" 

^^That owld chate heyant in the town— wanting to 
charge double for it.'' 

^^ Maybe it's a double letter. Why the devil didn't you 
pay what he asked, sh !" 

^' Arrah, sir, why would I let you be chated ? It's not a 
double letther at all : not above half the size o' one Mr. 
Durfy got before my face for fourpence." 

^^ You'll provoke me to break your neck some day, you 
vagabond ! Eide back for your life, you omadhaun ; and 
pay whatever he asks, and get me the letter." 

^' Why, sir, I tell you he was selling them before my face 
for fourpence apiece." 

^^ Go back, you scoundrel ! or I'll horsewhip you ; and if 
you're longer than an hour, I'll have you ducked in the 
horsepond !" 

Andy vanished, and made a second visit to the post- 
ofiice. When he arrived, two other persons were getting 
letters^ and the postmaster was selecting the epistles for 



30 JIMMY BUTLEE AITD THE OWL. 

each, from a large parcel tliat lay before him on the 
comiter; at the same time many shop customers were 
waiting to be served. 

^^ I'm come for the letther/^ said Andy. 

^^ rU tend to you by and by." 

''' The masther's in a hurry." 

"■ Let him wait till his hm-ry's over." 

'^ He'll murther me if Tm not back soon." 

" I'm glad to hear it." 

While the postmaster went on with such provoking 
answers to these appeals for dispatch, Andy's eye caught 
the heap of letters which lay on the counter ; so, while 
certain weighing of soap and tobacco was going forward, 
he contrived to become pessessed of two letters from the 
heap, and, having effected that, waited patiently enough 
till it was the gTeat man's pleasure to give him the missive 
directed to his master. 

Then did Andy bestride his hack, and in triumph at his 
trick on the postmaster, rattle along the road homeward 
as fast as the beast could carry him. He came into the 
squire's presence, his face beaming with delight, and an 
air of self-satisfied superiority in his manner, quite unac- 
countable to his master, until he pulled forth his hand, 
which had been grubbing up his prizes from the bottom of 
his pocket ; and holding three letters over his head, while 
he said, ^^ Look at that !" he next slapped them down un- 
der his broad fist on the table before the squire, saying : 

^^ Well ! if he did make me pay elevenpence, by gor, I 
brought your honor the worth o' your money anyhow !" 



JIMMY BUTLER AND THE OWL. 

An Irish Story. anonymous. 

'Twas in the summer of '46 that I landed at Hamilton, 
fresh as a new pratie just dug from the ^^ould sod," and 
wid a light heart and a heavy bundle I sot off for the 



JIMMY BTJTLEE A]S"D THE OWL. 31 

township of Buforcl^ tiding a taste of a song, as merry a 
young fellow as iver took the road. Well, I trudged on 
and on, past many a plisint place, pleasin' myself wid the 
thought that some day I might have a place of my own, 
wid a world of chickens and ducks and pigs and childer 
about the door ; and along in the afternoon of the sicond 
day I got to Buford village. A cousin of me mother's, one 
Dennis O^Dowd, lived about sivin miles from there, and 
I wanted to make his place that night, so I inquired the 
way at the tavern, and was lucky to find a man who was 
goin^ part of the way an^ would show me the way to find 
Dennis. Sure he was very kind indade, an' when I got 
out of his wagon he pointed me through the wood and 
tould me to go straight south a mile an' a half, and the 
first house would be Dennis's. 

^^ An' you've no time to lose now," said he, ^^ for the sun 
is low, and mind you don't get lost in the woods." 

'^ Is it lost now," said I, ^^ that I'd be gittin, an' me 
imcle as great a navigator as iver steered a ship across the 
thrackless say ! . Not a bit of it, though I'm obleeged to ye 
for your kind advice, and thank yiz for the ride." 

An' wid that he drove off an' left me alone. I shoul- 
dered me bundle bravely, an' whisthn' a bit of time for 
company hke, I pushed into the bush. Well, I went a 
long way over bogs, and turnin' round among the bush 
an' trees tiH I began to think I must be weU-nigh to Den- 
nis's. Bu% bad cess to it ! aU of a sudden I came out of 
the woods at the very identical spot where I started in, 
which I knew by an' ould crotched .tree that seemed to be 
standin' on its head an' kickin' up its heels to make divar- 
sion of me. By this time it was growin' dark, and as 
there was no time to lose, I started in a second time, de- 
termined to keep straight south this time, and no mistake. 
I got on bravely for a while, but och hone ! och hone ! it 
got so dark I couldn't see the trees, and I bumped me 
nose and barked me shinS; while the miskaties bit me 



32 JIMMY BUTLER AJ^D THE OWL. 

hands and face to a blister ; an^ after tumblin' and stum- 
bling around till I was fairly bamfoozled, I sat down on a 
log, all of a trimble, to think that I was lost intirely, an^ 
that maybe a hon or some other wild craythur would de- 
vour me before morning. 

Just then I heard somebody a long way off say, ^^ Whip 
poor Will !" ^^ Bedad P sez I, ^^ I^m glad it isn^t Jamie 
that's got to take it, though it seems it's more in sorrow 
than hi anger they are doin' it, or why should they say, 
^ poor Wih V an' sure they can^t be Injin, haythin, or nay- 
gur, for it's plain English they're afther spakii'. Maybe 
they might help me out of this/' so I shouted at the top of 
my voice, ^^A lost man!" Thin I hstened. Prisently an 
answer came. 

^^Who? Whoo? Whooo!" 

^^ Jamie Butler, the waiver!" sez I, as loud as I could 
roar, an' snatchin' up me bundle an' stick, I started in the 
direction of the voice. Whin I thought I had got near 
the place I stopped and shouted again. ^^A lost man !" 

^' Who ! Whoo ! Whooo !" said a voice right over my 
head. 

'^ Sure," thinks I, ^^ it's a mighty quare place for a man 
to be at this time of night ; maybe it's some settler sera- 
pin' sugar off a sugar bush for the children's breakfast in 
the mornin'. But where's Will and the rest of them ?" All 
this wint through me head like a flash, an' then I answered 
his inquiry. 

^^ Jamio Butler, the waiver," sez I ; " and if it wouldn't 
inconvanience yer honor, would yez be kind enough to 
step down and show me the way to the house of Dennis 
O'Dowd I" 

^^ Who ! Who ! Whooo !" sez he. 

^' Dennis O'Dowd !" sez I, civil enough, ^' and a dacent 
man he is, and first cousin to me own mother." 

^- Who ! Whoo ! Whooo I" sez he again. 

^^Me mother!" sez I, ^^and as fine a woman as iver 



AK lEISH LETTER. 35 

And sounded aloud with the Irishman's bang , 
The wife screamed aloud, and the husband appears 
At the window, his shoulders shrugg'd up to his ears. 

' So ho ! honest friend, pray what is the matter, 
That at this time of night you should make such a clatter f 

' Go to bed ! go to bed V says Pat, ^^ my dear honey 
I am not a robber to ask for your money ; 
I borrowed your knocker before it was day, 
To waken the landlord right over the icayJ* 



AN IRISH LETTER. 

Written during the Rebellion by an Irish Member of Parliament to his friend 
in London. 

My Dear Sie : Having now a little peace and quietness, 
I sit down to inform you of the dreadful bustle and con- 
fasion we are in from these bloodthirsty rebels, most of 
whom are, I am glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are 
in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, 
except whisky, and when we sit down to dinner we are 
obhged to keep both hands armed. Whilst I write this, I 
hold a sword in each hand and a pistol in the other. I 
concluded from the beginning that this would be the end 
of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At 
present there are such goings on that everything is at a 
stand-stiU. 

I should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but 
I did not receive it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a 
mail arrives safe without being robbed. No longer ago 
than yesterday the coach with the mails from Dubhn was 
robbed near this town ; the bags had been judiciously left 
behiQd for fear of accident, and by good luck there was 
nobody in it but two outside passengers, who had nothing 
for the thieves to take. 

Last Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels 
was advancmg here under the French standard, but they 



36 ROrvY O^MORE^S PRESENT TO THE PRIEST. 

had no colors^ nor any drums except bagpipes. Immedi- 
ately every man in the place, including women and chil- 
dren, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force 
much too little ; we were far too near to think of retreat- 
ing. Death was in every face, but to it we went, and by 
the time half our httle party were killed, we began to be 
all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns, ex- 
cept pistols, cutlasses and pikes, and as we had plenty of 
muskets and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. 
Not a soul of them escaped, except some that were drowned 
in an adjacent bog, and, in a very short time, nothing was 
to be heard but silence. Their uniforms were all diflerent 
colors, but mostly green. After the action we Went to 
rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. 
All we found was a few pikes without heads, a parcel of 
empty bottles full of water, and a bundle of French com- 
missions filled up with Irish names. Troops are now 
stationed all round the country, which exactly squares 
with my ideas. 
I have only time to add that I am in great haste. 
Yours truly. 



P. S. — If you do not receive thiSj of course it must have 
miscarried, therefore I beg you wiU write to let me know. 



RORY CHORE'S PRESENT TO THE 
PRIEST. 

SAMUEL LOVER. 

An Irish Recitation. 

'^ Why, thin, I'll tell you," said Rory. ^^ I promised my 
mother to bring a present to the priest from Dublin, and I 
could not make up my mind rightly what to get all the 
time I was there. I thought of a pair o' top-boots; for, in- 
deed^ his reve^ence^s is none of the best, and only you 
know them to be top-boots, you would not take them to be 



EORY O^MORE^S PEESE:N^T TO THE PRIEST. 37 

top-boots, bekase the bottoms has been put In so often 
that the tops is worn out intirely, and is no more hke top- 
boots than my brogues. So I went to a shop in Dubhn^ 
and picked out the purtiest pair o' top-boots I could see ; 
whin I say purty^ I don't mane a flourishin' taarin^ pair, 
but sitch as was fit for a priest, a respectable pak of boots ) 
and with that, I pulled out my good money to pay for thim, 
whin jist at that minit, remembering the thricks o' the 
town, I bethought oV myself, and says I, ^I suppose these 
are the right thing V says I to the man. ^ You can thry 
them,' says he. ^ How can I thry them V says I. ^ Pull 
them on you,' says he. ' Troth, an' I'd be sorry,' said I, 
Ho take such a hberty with them,' says I. ^ Why, aren't 
you gotu' to ware thim V says he. ^ Is it me V says I, ^ me 
ware top-boots ? Do you think it's takin' lave of me sinsis 
I am ?' says I. ^ Then what do you want to buy them for f 
says he. ' For his reverence. Father Kinshela,' says I. 
^ Are they the right sort for him V ' How should I know V 
says he. ^ You're a purty bootmaker,' says I, ^ not to know 
how to make a priest's boot !' ' How do I know his size f 
says he. ' Oh, don't be comin' off that way,' says I. ^ There's 
no sitch great differ betune priests and other min !' " 

"I think you were very right there," said the pale 
traveler. - ^ 

^^ To be sure, sir,'' said Eory ; ^^ and it was only jist a 
come- o^ for his own ignorance. ^ TeU me his size,' says 
the fellow, ' and I'U fit him.' ' He's betune five and six 
fut,' says I. ^ Most men are,' says he, laughin' at me. He 
was an impident fellow. ^ It's not the five, nor the six, but 
his two feet I want to know the size of,' says he. So I 
persaived he was jeerhi' me, and says I, ^ Why, thin, you 
respectful vagabone o' the world, you Dublin jackeen ! do 
you mane to insiiiivate that Father Kinshela ever wint bare- 
fatted in his fife, that I could know the size of his fat?' 
says I ; and with that I threw the boots in his face. ' Take 
that,' says I, ^you dirty thief o' the world ! you impident 



38 PvOEY O^MORE^S PRESENT TO THE PRIEST. 

vagabone of the world ! you ignorant citizen of the world !^ 
And with that I left the place." 

^^ It is their usual practice," said the traveler, ^' to take 
measure of their customers." 

^asit, thm?" 

'' It really is." 

^^ See that, now !" said Rory, with an air of triumph. 
^^You would think that they wor cleverer in the town 
than in the country ; and they ought to he so, by all ac- 
counts ; but in the regard of what I towld you, you see, 
we^re before them intirely." 

'' How so ?" said the traveler. 

^^ Arrah ! bekase they never throuble people in the 
country at all with takin^ their measure ; but you jist go to 
a fair, and bring your fut along with you, and somebody 
else dhrives a cartful o^ brogues into the place, and there 
you sarve yourself; and so the man gets his money, and 
you get your shoes, and every one^s plazed." 

^' But what I mane is, where did I leave off tellin' you 
about the present for the priest f wasn^t it at the boot- 
maker^s shop ? yes, that was it. Well, sir, on lavin' the 
shop, as soon as I kem to myself afther the fellow^s 
impidence, I began to think what was the next best thing 
I could get for his reverence ; and with that, while I was 
thinkin' about it, I seen a very respectable owld gintleman 
goin^ by, with the most beautiful stick in his hand I ever 
set my eyes on, and a goolden head to it that was worth 
its weight in goold ; and it gev him such an illigant look 
altogether, that says I to myself, ^ It's the very thing for 
Father Kinshela, if I could get sitch another.' And so I 
wint lookin' about me every shop I seen as I wint by, and 
at last, in a sthreet they call Dame sthreet, and by the 
same token I didn't know why they called it Dame sthreet 
till I ax'd ; and I was towld they called it Dame sthreet 
bekase the ladies were so fond o' walkin' there ; and lovely 
craythurs they were ! and I can't beheve that the town is 



RORY O^MORE'S present TO THE PRIEST. 39 

such an onwholesome place to live in, for most o^ the ladies 
I seen there had the most beautiful rosy cheeks I ever 
clapt my eyes upon ; and the heautifal rowlin^ eyes o' them ! 
Well; it was in Dame sthreet, as I was saying that I kem 
to a shop where there was a power o' sticks, and so I 
wint in and looked at thim ; and a man in the place kem 
to me and ax'd me if I wanted a cane. ' No/ says I, ^ I 
don^t want a cane ; it's a stick I want/ says I. 'A cane, 
you mane,'' says he. ^ No/ says I, ' it^s a stick/ for I was 
determined to have no cane, but to stick to the stick. 
' Here^s a nate one/ says he. ^ I don't want a nate one/ 
says I, ^ but a responsible one/ says I. ^ Faith !' says he, 
' if an Irishman's stick was responsible, it would have a 
great dale to answer for,' and he laughed a power ; I 
didn't know myself what he meant, but that's what he 
said." 

^' It was because you asked for a responsible stick," said 
the traveler. 

" And why wouldn't I," said Rory, ^^ when it was for his 
reverence I wanted it ? Why wouldn't he have a nice- 
looking, respectable, responsible" stick f 

^^ Certainly," said the traveler. 

^^ Well, I picked out one that looked to my hkin', a good 
substantial stick, with an ivory top to it ; for I seen that 
the goold-headed ones was so dear that I couldn't come up 
to them; and so says I, ^ Give me a howld o' that,' says I, 
and I tuk a grip iv it. I never was so surprised ui my life. 
I thought to get a good, brave handful of a sohd stick, 
but, my dear, it was weU it didn't fly out o' my hand 
a'most, it was so hght. ^ Phew !' says I, ^ what sort of a 
stick is this f ^ I teU you it's not a stick, but a cane,' says 
he. ^ Faith ! I b'heve you,' says I. ' You see how good 
and light it is,' says he. Think o' that, sir ! to call a stick 
good and light, as if there could be any good in life in a 
stick that wasn't heavy and could sthreck a good blow ! 
^ Is it jokin' you are ?' says I. ^ Don't you feel it yourself?' 



40 RORY O^MORE^S PRESENT TO THE PRIEST. 

says he. ^ Throth, I can hardly feel it at all/ says I. 
^ Sure that^s the beauty of it/ says he. Think o' the igno- 
rant vagabone ! to call a stick a beauty that was as light 
a'most as a bulrush ! ' And so you can hardly feel it 1' 
says he, grinnin\ ' Yis, indeed/ says I ; ^ and what's 
worse, I don't think I could make any one else feel it, 
either.' ^ Oh ! you want a stick to bate people with !' says 
he. ^ To be sure/ says I ; ^ sure that's the use of a stick.' 
^ To knock the sinsis out o' people !' says he, grinnin' again. 
^ Sartinly/ says I, ^ if they're saucy/ lookin' hard at him at 
the same time. ^ Well, these is only walkin'-sticks,' says 
he. ^ Throth, you may say r^m7^^n' -sticks,' says I, ^ for 
you daren't stand before any one with sitch a tliraneen as 
that in your fist.' ' Well, pick out the heaviest o' them 
you plaze,' says he ; ^ take your choice.' So I wint pokin' 
and rummagin' among thim, and, if you beheve me, there 
wasn't a stick in their whole shop worth a kick in the shins 
— divil a one 1" 

^^ But why did you require such a heavy stick for the 
priest?" 

^^ Bekase there's not a man in the parish wants it more," 
says Eory. 

^^ Is he so quarrelsome, then V said the traveler. 

*^ No, but the greatest o' pacemakers,^' says Eory. 

" Then what does he want the heavy stick for?" 

^^ For wallopin' his flock, to be sure," said Eory. 

^^ Walloping !" said the traveler, choking with laughter. 

^^ Oh ! you may laugh," said Eory, ^^ but, 'pon me sowl ! 
you wouldn't laugh if you wor imdher his hand, for he has 
a brave heavy one, God bless him and spare him to us !" 

^^ And what is all this walloping for?" "^ 

^^ Why, sir, whin we have a bit of a fight, for fun, or the 
regular faction one, at the fair, his reverence sometimes 
hears of it, and comes av coorse !" 

^^ Good God !" said the traveler, in real astonishment, 
<' does the priest join in the battle f 



RORY O^MOEE^S PRESEl^T TO THE PEIEST. 41 

'^ No^ nO; no^ sir ! I see you^re quite a stliranger in the 
counthry. The priest join in ! Oh ! by no manes. But he 
comes and stops it ; and av coorse the only way he can stoj) 
it is to ride into thim; and wallop thim all round before 
him^ and disparse thim ; scatter thim like chaff before the 
wind ; and it's the best o' sticks he requires for that same.'' 

^^ But might he not have his heavy stick for that pur- 
posC; and make use of a lighter one on other occasions f^ 

''' As for that matther, sir/' said Eory, ^' there's no know- 
in^ the minit he might want it, for he is often necessitated 
to have recoorse to it. It might be, going through the vil- 
lage, the public-house is too full, and in he goes and 
dhrives thim out. Oh ! it would delight your heart to see 
the style he clears a pubhc-house in, in no time !" 

"But wouldn't his speaking to them answer the purpose 
as well?"' 

" Oh, no ! he doesn't like to throw away his discoorse on 
thim ; and why should he ? he keeps that for the blessed 
althar on Sunday, which is a fitter place for it ; besides, he 
does not hke to be sevare on us." 

" Severe!" said the traveler, in surprise, "why, haven't 
you said that he thrashes you round on all occasions f " 

"Yis, sir; but what o'that? sure that's nothin' to his 
tongue ; his words is hke swoords or rhazors, I may say ) 
we're used to a hck of a stick every day, but not to sich 
language as his reverence sometimes murthers us with 
when we displaze him. Oh ! it's terrible, so it is, to have 
the weight of his tongue on you ! Throth ! I'd rather let 
him bate me from this tiU to-morrow, than have one angry 
word with him." 

" I see, then, he must have a heavy stick," said the 
traveler. 

" To be sure he must, sir, at aU times -, and that was the 
raison I was so particular in the shop ; and afther spendin' 
over an hour, would you b'lieve it ? divil a stick I could 
get in the place fit for a child; much less a man." 



42 RORY O^MORE'S PRESENT TO THE PRIEST. 

^^ But about the gridiron'?" 

^^ Sm^e Pm telliu^ you about it/' said Eory; '^onlyrm 
not come to it yet. You see/' continued he, ^^ I was so 
disgusted with them shopkeepers in Dublin that my heart 
was fairly broke ^ith their ignorance, and I seen they 
knew nothin' at all about what I wanted, and so I came 
away without anything for his reverence, though it was 
on my mind all this day on the road ; and comin' through 
the last town, in the middle o' the rain, I thought of a 
gridiron.'' 

^^ A very natural thing to think of in a shower of rain/' 
said the traveler. 

^^ No, 'twasn't the rain made me think of it. I think it 
was God must have put a gridiron in my heart, seein' that 
it was a present for the priest I intended ; and when I 
thought of it, it came into my head, afther, that it would 
be a fine thing to sit on, for to keep one out of the rain, 
that was ruinatin' my corderoys on the top o' the coach ; 
so I kept my eye out as we dhrove along up the sthreet, 
and sure enough what should I see at a shop half-way 
down the town, but a gridiron hanging up at the door ! 
and so I went back to get it." 

^^ But isn't a gridiron an odd present ? hasn't his rev- 
erence one already f 

^^ He had, sir, before it was bruk ; but that's what I re- 
membered, for I happened to be up at his place one day, 
sittin' in the kitchen, when Molly was brihn' some mate 
on it for his reverence ; and while she jist turned about to 
get a pinch o' salt to shake over it, the dog that was in 
the place made a dart at the gridiron on the fire, and 
threw it down, and up he whips the mate, before one of us 
could stop him. With that Molly whips up the gridiron, 
and says she, ^ Bad luck to you, you disrespectful baste ! 
would nothin' sarve you but the priest's dinner?' and she 
made a crack o' the gridiron at him. ^ As you have the 
mate, you shall have the gridiron too,' says she ; and with 



MISS MALOIO' ON THE CHHTESE QUESTIO]^. 43 

that she gave him such a rap on the head with it, that the 
bars flew out of it, and his head went through it, and 
away he pulled it out of her hands, and ran oh' with the 
gridiron hangin^ round his neck like a necklace ; and he 
went mad almost with it ) for though a kettle to a dog's 
tail is nathrel, a gridiron round his neck is very surprisin' 
to him ; and away he tatthered over the country, till there 
wasn't a taste o' the gridiron left together.^^ 



MISS MALONY ON THE CHINESE 
QUESTION. 

MARY M. DODGE. 

A Laughable Recitation. 

Och' don't he talkin'. Is it howld on, ye say? An' 
didn't I howld on till the heart of me was clane broke en- 
tirely, and me wastin' that thin you could clutch me wid 
yer two hands. To think o' me toilin' hke a nager for the 
six year I've been in Ameriky — ^bad luck to the day I iver 
left the owld counthry, to be bate by the hkes o' them ! 
(faix an' I'll sit down when I'm ready, so I will, Ann Eyan, 
an' ye'd better be hstnin' than drawin' your remarks) an' 
it's mysel, with five good characters from respectable 
places, would be herdin' wid the haythens I The saints 
forgive me, but I'd be buried alive soon'n put up wid it a 
day longer. Sure an' I was a granehorn not to be lavin' 
at onct when the missus kim into me kitchen wid her per- 
laver about the new waiter-man which was brought out 
from Californy. ^^ He'll be here the night," says she, ^^ and, 
Kitty, it's meself looks to you to be kind and patient wid 
him, for he's a farriner," says she, a kind o' looking off. 
^^ Sure an' it's httle I'll hinder nor interfare wid him nor 
any other, mum," says I, a kind o' stiff, for I minded me 
how these French waiters, wid their paper collars and 
brass rings on their fingers, isn't company for no gurril 



44 MISS MALONY ON THE CHINESE QUESTION. 

brought up dacint and honest. Och ! sorra a bit I knew 
what was comin' till the missus walked into me kitchen 
smilin', and says, kind o' sheared : ^^ Here^s Fing Wing, 
Kitty, an' you'll have too much sinse to mind his bein' a 
little strange." Wid that she shoots the doore; and I, 
misthrusting if I was tidied up sufficient for me fine buy 
wid his paper collar, looks up and — Holy fathers ! may I 
niver brathe another breath, but there stud a rale hay then 
Chineser a-grinnin' like he'd just come off a tay-box. If 
you'll belave me, the crayture was that yeller it 'ud sicken 
you to see him ; and sorra stich was on him but a black 
night-gown over his trowsers and the front of his head 
shaved claner nor a copper biler, and a black tail a-hang- 
in' down from behind, wid his two feet stook into the 
heathenesest shoes you ever set eyes on. Och ! but I was 
up-stairs afore you could tm^n about, a-givin' the missus 
warnin' ; an' only stopt wid her by her raisin' me wages 
two dollars, and playdin' wid me how it was a Christian's 
duty to bear wid haythins and taitch 'em all in our power 
— the saints save us ! Well, the ways and trials I had wid 
that Chineser, Ann Eyan, I couldn't be tellin'. Not a 
blissed thing cud I do but he'd be lookin' on wid liis eyes 
cocked up'ard hke two poomp -handles, an^ he widdout a 
speck or a smitch o' whiskers on him, and his finger-nails 
fall a yard long. But it's dying you'd be to see the missus 
a-larnin' him, and he grinnin' an' waggin' his pig-tail 
(which was pieced out long wid some black stoof, the hay- 
then chate !) and gettin' into her ways wonderful quick, I 
don't deny, imitatin' that sharp, you'd be shurprised, and 
ketchin' and copyin' things the best of us will do a-hurried 
wid work, yet don't want comin' to the knowledge of the 
family — bad luck to him ! 

Is it ate wid him f Arrah, an' would I be sittin' wid a 
baythen and he a-atin' wid drumsticks — ^yes, an' atin' dogs 
an' cats unknownst to me, I warrant you, which is the 
custom of them Chinesers, till the thought made me that 



MISS MALONY OK THE CHINESE QTJESTIO:^'. 45 

sick I could die. An^ didn^t the crayter proffer to help me 
a wake ago come Toosday, an' me a-foldin' down me clane 
clothes for the ironki', an' fill his haythen mouth wid water, 
an' afore I could hinder squrrit it through his teeth stret 
over the best linen table-cloth, and fold it up tight as in- 
nercent now as a baby, the dirty baste I But the worrest 
of all was the copyui' he'd be doin' till ye'd be dishtracted. 
It's yerself knows the tinder feet that's on me since ever 
I've bin in this country. Well, owin' to that, I fell into 
the way o' slippin' me shoes off when I'd be settin' 
down to pale the praties or the likes o' that, and, do ye 
mind, that haythin would do the same thing after me 
whiniver the missus set him parin' apples or tomaterses. 
The saints in heaven couldn't have made him belave he 
cud kape the shoes on him when he'd be payling any- 
thing. 

Did I lave far that ? Faix an' didn't he get me into 
trouble wid my missus, the haythin ! You're aware yer- 
self how the boondles comin' in from the grocery often con- 
tains more 'n '11 go into anythiag dacently. So, for that 
matter, I'd now and then take out a sup o' sugar, or flour, 
or tay, an' wrap it in paper and put it in me bit of a box 
tucked under the ironin' blankit the how it cuddent be 
bodderin' any one. Well, what should it be, but this 
blessed Sathm^day morn the missus was a spakin' pleasant 
and respec'ful wid me in me kitchen when the grocer boy 
comes in an' stands fornenst her vdd his boondles an' she 
motions like to Fing Wing (which I never would call him 
by that name nor any other but just haythin), she motions 
to him, she does, for to take the boondles an' empty out 
the sugar an' what not where they belongs. If you'll be- 
lave me, Ann Eyan, what did that blatherin' Chineser do 
but take out a sup o' sugar, an' a handful o' tay, an' a bit 
o' chaze, right afore the missus, wrap them into bits o' 
paper, an' I spacheless wid shuprise, an' he the next 
minute up wid the ironia' blanket and puUin' out me box 



46 PADDT^S DREAM. 

wid a show o^ bein^ sly to put them in. Och, the Lord for- 
give me, but I clutched it, and the missus sayin^, ^^ O 
Kitty !" in a way that 'ud curdle your blood. ^^ He-s a 
haythin nager," says I. ^^ I've foimd you out/^ says she. 
^^ I'll arrist him/' says I. ^^ It's you ought to be arristed," 
says she. ^' You won't/' says I. ^^ I will/' says she ; and 
so it went till she gave me such sass as I cuddent take 
from no lady, an' I give her warnin' an' left that instant, 
an' she a-pointin' to the doore. 



PADDY'S DREAM. 

I have often laughed at the way an Irish help we had at 
Barnstaple once fished me for a glass of whisky. One 
morning he says to me — '' Oh, yer honor," says he, ^^ I had 
a great drame last night intirely — I dramed I was in Rome, 
tho' how I got there is more than I can tell ; but there I 
was, sure enough ) and as in duty bound, what does I do 
but go and see the Pope. Well, it was a long journey, 
and it was late when I got there — too late for the likes of 
me; and when I got to the palace I saw priests, and 
bishops, and cardinals, and all the great dignitaries of the 
Church a-coming out; and sais one of them to me, ^ How 
are ye, Pat Moloney V sais he ; ^ and that spalpeen your 
father, bad luck to him, how is he V It startled me to 
hear me o^n name so suddint, that it came mighty nigh 
waking me up, it did. Sais I, ^ Your riverence, how in the 
world did ye know that Pat Moloney was me name, let 
alone that of me father?' ' Why, ye blackguard,' sais he, 
^ I knew ye since ye was knee-high to a goose, and I knew 
yer mother afore ye was bom.^ ^ It's good right yer honor 
has then to know me,' sais I. ^ Bad manners to ye,' sais 
he, ^ what is it ye are afther doing here at this time o' 
night f ' To see his Holiness the Pope,' sais I. ^ That's 
right,' sais he ; ' pass on, but leave yer impudence with 



THE lEISH DEUMMEK. 47 

yer hat and shoes at the door.^ Well, I was shown into a 
mighty fine room where his Holiness was, and down I 
went on me knees. ^ Else up, Pat Moloney,' sais his Holi- 
ness ; ^ ye're a broth of a boy to come all the way from 
Ireland to do yer duty to me ; and it's dutiful children ye 
are, every mother's son of ye. What will ye have to drink, 
Patf (The greater a man is, the more of a rael gintle- 
man he is, yer honor, and the more condescending.) 
' What will ye have to drink, Pat V sais he. ^ A glass of 
whisky, yer Holiness,' sais I^ • if it's all the same to ye.' 
' Shall it be hot or cold?' sais he. ^ Hot,' sais I, ^ if it's 
all the same, and gives ye no trouble.' ^ Hot it shall be,' 
sais he ; ^ but as I have dismissed all me servants for the 
night, I'll just step down below for the tay-kettle ;' — and 
wid that he left the room, and was gone for a long time ; 
and jist as he came to the door again he knocked so loud 
the noise woke me up, and, be jabers ! I missed me whisky 
entirely ! Bedad, if I had only had the sense to say ^ Nate, 
yer Holiness,' I'd a had me whisky sure enough, and 
never known it warn't all true, instead of a drame." I 
knew what he wanted, so I poured him out a glass. 
^^ Won't it do as well now, Pat f said I. ^^ Indeed it will, 
yer honor," says he, ^^ and me drame will come true, after 
all. I thought it would, for it was mighty nateral at the 
time, aU but the whisky." 



THE IRISH DRUMMER. 

An Irish Recitation. 

A soldier, so at least the story goes, 

It was in Ireland, I believe, 

Upon Ms back was sentenced to receive 
Five hnndred cat-o'-nine-tail blows ; 
Most sagely military law providing, 
The hacJi: alone shall suffer for lyacksliding. 
Whether his crime was great or small; 



48 THE IRISH DRUMMER. 

Or whether there was any crime at all, 

Are facts which this deponent never knew ; 
But though uncertain whether justly tried, 
The man he knows was to the halhert tied, 

And hopes his readers will believe so too. 
Suppose him, then, fast to the halberts bound. 
His poor companions standing silent roimd. 

Anticipating ev^ry dreadful smack ; 
TVTiile Patrick Donovan, firom TTicklow county. 
Is just preparing to bestow his bounty, 

Or heat qiiiclc time upon his cororade's back. 
Of stoics much we read in tales of yore, 

Of Zeno, Possidonius, Epictetus, 
Who, unconcerned, the greatest torments bore. 

Or else these ancient stories strangely cheat us. 
My hero was no stoic, it is plain : 

He could not suiTer torments and be dumb, 
But roared, before he felt the smallest pain, 

As though a rusty nail had pierced his thumb. 
IN'ot louder is the teiTor- spreading note 
Which issues from the hungry lion^s throat 
TVTien o'er Numidian plains in search of prey 
He takes his cruel and destroying way. 
The first two strokes, which made my hero bleat, 
Fell right across the confines of his seat. 
On which he piteously began to cry, 
'^ Strike high ! strike high ! for mercy's sake strike high \" 
Pat^ of a mild, obliging disposition. 
Could not refuse to grant his friend's petition ; 
An Irishman has got a tender heart, 
And never likes to act a cruel part ; 
Pat gave a good example to beholders, ^ 
And the next stroke fell on his corL^-.de's shoulders! 
Our suffering hero now began to roar 
As loud, if not much louder, than before ; 
At which Pat lost all patience, and exclaim'd, 
While his Hibernian face with anger flam'd, 
'' Perdition catch you ! — can't your tongue be still? 
There is mo plasing you, strike where one will !" 



PADDY THE PIPEE. 49 

PADDY THE PIPER. 

SAMUEL LOVER. 

Ahriiged for Public Reading. 

Ill tell yoU; sir; a mighty quare story. ^Twas aftlier 
nightfall; and we wor sittin^ round the fire^ and the pratees 
was hoilin^, and the noggins of butthermilk was standin^ 
ready for our suppers, whin a knock kem to the door. 
^^ Whist," says my father, '^here^s the sogers come upon us 
now," says he. ^^Bad luck to thim, the villains; I^m 
afeard they seen a ghmmer of the fire through the crack 
in the door," says he. 

^^ No," says my mother, '' for I^m afther hangin^ an ould 
sack and my new petticoat agin }t, a while ago." 

^^Well, whist, anyhow," says my father, ^^for there's 
a knock agin f and we all held our tongues till another 
thump kem to the door. 

^' Oh, it's folly to purtind any more," says my father ; 
" they're too cute to be put off that-a-way," says he. ^^ Go, 
Shamus," says he to me, ^^ and see who's in it." 

^^ How can I see who's in it in the dark?" says I. 

^^ Well," says he, ^^hgbt the candle, thin, and see who's 
in it. But don't open the door for your life, barrin' they 
break it in," says he, ^' exceptin' to the sojers ; and spake 
them fair, if it's thim." 

So with that I wint to the door, and there was another 
knock. 

^^ Who's there ?" says I. 

^^It's me," says he. 

^^ Who are you ?" says I. 

^^ A friend," says he. 

^^ Baithershiii /" says I ) " who are you, at all f 

^^ Arrah ! don't you know me ?" says he. 

^^ Divil a taste," says I. 

^^ Sure I'm Paddy the Piper," says he. 

^^ Oh, thundher and turf!" says I; ^^ia it you, Paddy, 
that's in it ?" 



50 PADDY THE PIPER. 

^^ Sorra one else," says he. 

^^ And what brought you at this hour?" says I. 

^^ By gar," says he, ^' I didn^t hke gom^ the roun' by the 
road," says he, ^^ and so I kem the short cut, and that's 
what delayed me," says he. 

Tff ^ 7F V 'F ^ V 

^^ Faix, then," says I, ^^ you hM betther lose no tune in 
hidin' yourself," says I, ^^for throth I tell you, it's a short 
thrial and a long rope the Husshians would be afther givin' 
you — for they've no justice, and less marcy, the villains I" 

^^ Faith, thin, more's the raison you should let me in, 
Shamus," says poor Paddy. 

''' It's a folly to talk," says I ; '^ I darn't open the door." 

'^ Oh then, millia murther !" says Paddy, " what'll be- 
come of me at all, at all f " says he. 

^^ Go aff into the shed," says I, ^^ behind the house, 
where the cow is ;" but instead of going to the cow-house, 
he set oft' to go to the fair, and he went meandherin' along 
through the fields, but he didn't go far, until climbin' up 
through a hedge, when he was comin' out at t'other side, 
he kem plump agin somethin' that made the fire flash out 
iv his eyes. So with that he looks up— and what do you 
think it was. Lord be marciful unto uz ! but a corpse 
hangin' out of a branch of a three? ^^ Oh, the top of the 
mornin' to you, sir," says Paddy ; ^' and is that the way 
with you, my poor fellow? Throth you took a start out 
o' me," says poor Paddy ; and 'twas thrue for him, for it 
would make the heart of a stouter man nor Paddy jump to 
see the like, and to think of a Christian crathur being 

hanged up, all as one as a dog. 

******* 

Says Paddy, eyein' the corpse, ^^ By my sowl thin, but 
you have a beautiful pair of boots an you," says he, ^^ and 
it's what I'm thinkin' you won't have any great use for 
thim no more ; and shure it's a sliame to see the likes o' 
me," says he, ^^ the best piper in the sivm counties^ to be 



PADDY THE PIPER. 51 

trampin^ wid a pair of ould brogues not worth three tra- 
neens, and a corpse wid such an illigant pair o' boots, that 
wants some one to wear thim.'^ So with that Paddy laid 
hould of htm by the boots, and began a pulhn' at thim, 
but they wor mighty stiff; and whether it was by rayson 
of their bein^ so tight, or the branch of the tree a-jiggin^ 
up and down, all as one as a weighdee buckettee, and not 
lettin^ Paddy cotch any right hoult o^ thim, he could get 
no advantage o' thim at all ; and at last he gave it up, and 
was goin' away, whin, lookin' behind him agin, the sight of 
the ilhgant fine boots was too much for him, and he turned 

back outs with his knife, and what does 

he do, but he cuts off' the legs av the corpse ; and says he, 
^^I can take aff the boots at my convanyience." And 
throth it was, as I said before, a dirty turn. 

Well, sir, he tucked up the legs undher his arm, and 
walked back agin to the cow-house, and hidin^ the corpse^s 
legs in the sthraw, Paddy wint to sleep. But what do you 
think ? the divil a long Paddy was there antil the sojcrs 
kem in airnest, and, by the powers, they carried off^addy; 
and faith it was only sarvin' him right for what he had 
done to the poor corpse. 

Well, whin the morning kem, my father says to me, 
^^ Go, Shamus," says he, ^^ to the shed, and bid poor Paddy 
come in, and take share o' the pratees ; for I go bail he's 
ready for his breakquest by this, anyhow.^' 

Well, out I wint to the cow-house, and called out, 
'^ Paddy !" and afther callin' three or four times, and get- 
tin' no answer, I wint in, and called agin, and divil an 
answer I got still. " Blood- an- agers !" says I, ^^ Paddy, 
where are you, at all, at all f^ and so, castin' my eyes 
about the shed, I seen two feet sticking out from imdher 
the hape o' straw. ^^ Musha ! thin," says I, '^ bad luck to 
you, Paddy, but you're fond of a warm corner ; and maybe 
you haven't made yourself as snug as a flay in a blanket f 
But ril disturb your dhrames, I'm thinkiny says I, and 



52 PADDY THE PIPER. 

with that, I laid hould of his heels (as I thought), and 
giviiV a good pull to waken him, as I intindid, away I 
wint, head over heels, and my brains was a'most knocked 
out agin the wall. Well, whin I recovered myself, there I 
was, on the broad o^ my back, and two things stickin' out 
o^ my hands, like a pair of Husshian^s horse-pistils ; and I 
thought the sight ^d lave my eyes whin I seen they wor 
two mortial legs. My jew% I threw thim down like a hot 
pratee, and jumpin^ up, I roared out millia murther. 
^^ Oh, you mmtherin^ villain," says I, shaking my fist at 
the cow — ^^Oh, you unnath^ral baste," says I; ^^you^vo 
ate poor Paddy, you thievin^ cannable ; you're worse than 
a neyger," says I. '^ And bad luck to you, how dainty you 
are, that nothin' 'd serve you for your suppor but the best 

piper in Ireland !" 

******* 

With that I ran out, for throth I didn't like to be near 
her ; and goin' into the house, I tould them all about it. 

^^ Arrah ! be aisy," says my father. 

" Bad luck to the he I tell you," says I. 

^' Is it ate Paddy?" says they. 

^^ Divil a doubt of it," says I. 

^^ Are you sure, Shamus ?" says my mother. 

^^ I wish I was as sure of a new pair of brogues," says I. 
^^ Bad luck to the bit she has left iv him but his two legs." 

''• And do you teU me that she ate the pipes, too?" says 
my father. 

^^ By gar, I b'lieve so," says I. 

^^ Oh, the divil fly away wid her," says he ; ^^ what a 
cruel taste she has for music !" 

'^ Arrah !" says my mother, " don't be cursing the cow 
that gives milk to the childer." 

^^ Yis, I will," says my father; '^why shouldn't I curse 
sitch an unnath'ral baste f" 

"' You oughtn't to curse any li^/in' that's undher your 
roof," says my mother. 



PADDT THE PIPEB. 53 

'^ By my sowl, thin/' says my father, "• she shan't be 
undher my roof any more ; for 1^11 send her to the fah^ this 
minit/' says he, '^ and sell her for whatever she'll bring. 
Go aff/' says he, ^^ Shamus, the miuit you've ate your 
breakquest, and dhrive her to the fair." 

^^ Troth, I don't like to dhrive her," says I. 

^' An^ah, don't be makin' a gommagh of yourself," says 
he. 

'^ Faith, I don't," says I. 

'^ Well, like or no like," says he, ^^ you must dhrive her." 

* -Ji- ^ -5f 4r -X- -X- 

Well, away we wint along the road, and mighty throng'd 
it wuz wid the boys and the girls, and, in short, all sorts, 
rich and poor, high and low, crowdin' to the fan. 

'^ Grod save you," says one to me. 

^^ God save you, kindly," says I. 

^^ That's a fine beast you're dhrivin'," says he. 

^^ Troth she is," says I; though God knows it wint agia 
my heart to say a good word for the likes of her. . . . 
I dhriv her iato the thick av the fair, whin all of a suddint, 
as I kem to the door av a ttat, up sthruck the pipes to the 
tune av ^Tattherin' Jack Walsh,' and, myjew'l, in a minit, 
the cow cock'd her ears, and was makin' a dart at the tint. 

^^ Oh, murther !" says I to the boys standin' by ; '' hould 
her," says I, '^ hould her — she ate one piper already, the 
vagabone, and bad luck to her, she wants another now." 

^^ Is it a cow for to ate a piper ?" says one o' thim. 

'^ Divil a word o' he in it, for I seen it's corpse myself, 
and nothin' left but the two legs," says I; '^ and it's afoUy 
to be sthrivin' to hide it, for I see she'll never lave it off— 
as Poor Paddy Grogan knows to his cost. Lord be marcihil 
to him." 

^^ Who's that takin' my name in vam?" says a voice in 
the crowd ] and with that, shovin' the throng a one side, 
who the divO should I see but Paddy Grogan, to aU ap- 
pearance. 



54 PAT A^ny the gridieok. 

'^ Oh, hould him too," says I ; ^^ keep hun aff me, for 
it's not himself at all, but his ghost," says I ; ^^ for he was 
kilt last night, to my sartin knowledge, every inch av him, 
ah to his legs." 

Well, sir, with that, Paddy — for it was Paddy himself, 
as it kem out afther — fell a-laughin' so that you'd think 
his sides 'ud split. And whin he kem to himself, he ups 
and he tould us how it was, as I tould you already. And 
av coorse the poor slandered cow was dhruv home agin, 
and many a quiet day she had wid uz afther that -, and 
whin she died, throth, my father had sich a regard for the 
poor thing that he had her skinned, and an illigant 
pair of breeches made out iv her hide, and it's in the 
fam'ly to this day. And isn't it mighty remarkable, what 
I'm going to tell you now, but it's as thrue as I'm here, 
that from that out, any one that has thim breeches an, the 
minit a pair o' pipes sthrikes up, they can't rest, but goes 
jiggin' and jiggin' in their sate, and never stops as long as 
the pipes is playin' — and there, there is the very breeches 
that's an me now, and a fine pair they are this minit. 



PAT AND THE GRIDIRON. 

SAMUEL LOVER. 

A Popular Irish Recitation. 

It was the time I was lost in crassin' the broad Atlantic, 
a-comin' home, whin the winds began to blow, and the 
sae to rowl, that you'd think the Colleen Bhas (that was her 
name) would not have a mast left but what would rowl 
out of her. 

Well, sure enough, the masts went by the board, at last, 
and the pumps were choak'd (divil choak them for that 
same), and av coorse the water gained an us ] and troth, to 
be iilled with water is neither good for man or baste 5 and 
she was sinkin' fast, settlm' down, as the sailors call ; and 



PAT AISTD THE GRIDLRON. 55 

faith I never wa^s good at settlin^ down in my life, and I 
liked it then less nor ever ; accordingly we prepared for the 
worst and put out the boat, and got a sack o' bishkits and 
a cask o^ pork, and akag o^ wather, and a thrifle o^ rum 
aboord, and any other httle matthers we could think iv in 
the mortial hurry we wor in — and faith there was no time 
to be lost, for, my darlint, the Colleen DJias went down like 
a lump o' lead, afore we wor many sthrokes o^ the oar away 
from her. 

Well, we dhriffced away all that night, and next momin' 
we put up a blanket an the end av a pole as well as we could, 
and then we sailed iligant ] for we dam^t show a stitch o' 
canvas the night before, bekase it was blowin^ like bloody 
murther, savin^ your presence, and sure it's the wondher of 
the world we wom't swally'd ahve by the ragin' sae. 

Well, away we wint, for more nor a week, and nothia' 
before om- two good-lookin' eyes but the canophy iv heaven, 
and the wide ocean — the broad Atlantic ; not a thing was to 
be seen but the sae and the sky ; and though the sae and 
the sky is mighty purty things in themselves, throth they're 
no great things when you've nothin' else to look at for a 
week together — and the barest rock in the world, so it was 
land, would be more welkim. And then, soon enough, 
throth, our provisions began to run low, the bishkits, and 
the wather, and the rum — throth that was gone first of all 
— God help uz — and oh 1 it was thin that starvation began 
to stare us in the face — ^^ Oh, murther, murther, captain 
darlint," says T, ^^ I wish we could land anywhere," says I. 

^^ More power to your elbow, Paddy, my boy," says he, 
^^ for sitch a good wish, and throth it's myself wishes the 
same.^^ 

'' Och," says I, ^^ that it may plaze you, sweet Queen iv 
Heaven, supposing it was only a dissolute island," says I, 
'' inhabited wid Turks, sure they wouldn't be such bad 
Christians as to refuse us a bit and a sup." 

^^ Whisht, whisht, Paddy," says the captain, ^^ don't be 



56 PAT a:nd thb grtdieok. 

talking bad of any one/^ says he; ^'you don't know how 
soon you may want a good word put in for yourself, if you 
should be called to quarthers in th' other world all of a 
suddint," says he. 

^^ Thrue for you, captain darlint," says I — I called him 
darhnt, and made free with him, you see, bekase disthress 
makes us all equal — ^^ thrue for you, captain jewel — I owe 
no man any spite" — and throth that was only thruth. 
Well, the last bishkit was sarved out, and by gor the 
ivatlier itself W2is all gone at last, and we passed the night 
mighty cowld — well, at the brake o' day the sun riz most 
beautifully out to the waves, that was as bright as silver 
and as clear as crystal. But it was only the more cruel 
upon us, for we wor beginnin' to feel terrible hungry ; when 
all at wanst I thought I spied the land — by gor I thought 
I felt my heart up in my throat in a minit, and ^^ Thunder 
an' turf, captain," says I, ^^ look to leeward," says I. 

<' What for?" says he. 

*^ I think I see the land," says I. So he ups with his 
bring-'em-near (that's what the sailors call a spy-glass, 
sir) and looks out, and, siu-e enough, it was. 

^^ Hurra !" says he, ^^ we're all right now ; pull away, my 
boys," says he. 

^^ Take care you're not mistaken," says I; ^^ maybe it's 
only a fog-bank, captain darlint," says I. 
- ^^ Oh, no," says he, '^ it's the land in aimest." 

'^ Oh, then, whereabouts in the wide world are we, cap- 
tain?" says I; ^^ maybe it id be Boosia^ or Froosia, or the 
Garman Oceant," says I. 

^^ Tut, you fool," says he — for he had that consaited way 
wid him — thinkin' himself cleverer nor any one else — '' tut, 
you fool," says he, ^^ that's Francej''^ says he. 

^^ Tare an' ouns," says I, ^^ do you tell me so? and how 
do you know it's France it is, captain dear?" says I. 

'' Bekase this is the Bay o' Bishky we're in now," says' 
he. 



PAT AND THE GIirDIRON. 57 

" Throth, I was thinkin' so myself/' says I, ^^ by the rowl 
it has ; for I often heerd av it in regard of that same ; and 
throth the hkes av it I never seen before nor since." 

Well, with that, my heart began to grow hght; and 
when I seen my life was safe, I began to grow twice hmi- 
grier nor ever — so, says I, '' Captain, jewel, I wish we had 
a gildiron." 

^^Why, then,'' says he, '^thunder an' turf," says he, 
'^ what puts a gridiron mto your head f 

^^ Bekase I'm starvin' with the hunger," says I. 

'^ And sure, bad luck to you," says he, '' you couldn't 
eat a gridiron," says he, ^' barrin' you were 2i pelican o' the 
wildliernesSj'^^ says he. 

^^ Ate a gridiron," says I; ^' och, in throth I'm not such 
a gommoch all out as that, anyhow. But sure, if we had a 
gridhon, we could dress a beef-steak," says I. 

^^ Arrah ! but where's the beef-steak," says he. 

" Sure, couldn't we cut a slice aff the pork f " says I. 

^'Be gor, I never thought o' that," says the captain. 
"You're a clever feUow, Paddy," says he, laughin'. 

*^ Oh, ther's many a thrue word said in joke," says I. 

" Thrue for you, Paddy," says he. 

"WeU, thin," says I, "if you put me ashore there 
beyant," [for we were nearin' the land aU the time,] " and 
sure I can ax them for to lind me the loan of a gridiron," 
says I. 

" Oh, by gor, the butther's comin' out o' the stirabout in 
aimest now," says he, "you gommoch," says he, " sure I 
told you before that's France — and sure the're all fiirriners 
there," says the captain. 

" WeU," says I, " and how do you know but I'm as good 
a furriner myself as any o' thim f " 

" What do you mane ?" says he. 

" I mane," says I, " what I towld you, that I'm as good 
a farriner myself as any o' thim." 

" Make me sinsible," says he. 



58 PAT A^STD THE GRIDIRON. 

'^ By dad, maybe that^s more nor me, or greater nor me, 
could do/' says I— and we all began to laugh at him, for I 
thought I would pay him off for his bit o' consait about the 
Garmant Ocean. 

'' Lave aff your himibugginV^ says he, ^^I bid you, and 
tell me what it i5 you mane, at all at all." 

''' Farley voo frongsay V says I. 

^^Oh, yoiu- himible sarvant,'' says he; '^ why, by gor, 
you're a scholar, Paddy.'' 

"' Throth, you may say that," says I. 

^^ Why, you're a clever fellow, Paddy," says the captain, 
jeerin' like. 

^' You're not the first that said that," says I, ^^whether 
you joke or no." 

^^ Oh, but I'm in airnest," says the captain — ^^ and do you 
tell me, Paddy," says he, ^^ that you speak Frinch V 

^^ Parly voo frongsay f " says I. 

'^ By gor, that bangs Banagher, and all the world knows 
Banagher bangs the divil — I never met the hkes o' you, 
Paddy," says he — ^^ pull away, boys, and put Paddy ashore, 
and maybe we won't get a bellyful before long." 

So, with that, it was no sooner said nor done — they 
pulled away, and got close in to shore in less than no time, 
and run the boat up ui a little creek, and a beautiful creek 
it was, with a lovely white sthrand — an illegant place for 
ladies to bathe in the summer — and out I got ; and it's 
stiff enough in the limbs I was, afther bein' cramped up in 
the boat, and perished with the cowld and hunger, but I 
conthrived to scramble on, one way or t'other, tow'rds a 
httle bit iv a wood that was close to the shore, and the 
smoke curlin' out iv it, quite timptin' like. 

^^ By the powdhers o' war, Pm all right," says I ; '^ there's 
a house there," — and sure enough there was, and a parcel 
of men, women and childher, ating their dinner round a 
table, quite convanient. And so I wint up to the door, 
and I thought I'd be very civil to them, as I heered the 



PAT AJST) THE GEIDIEOX. 59 

French was always mighty p'hte intirely — and I thought 
I^d show them I knew what good manners was. 

So, I took aff my hat, and, makm' a low bow, says I, 
'^ God save all here," says I. 

Well to be sm-e, they all stapt eatin^ at wanst, and began 
to stare at me ; and faith they almost looked me out of 
countenance — and I thought to myself, it was not good 
manners at all — more betoken from farriners, which they 
call so mighty polite ; but I never minded that, in regard o' 
wantin' the gridiron; and so, says I, ^^ I beg your pardon," 
says I, ^^for the liberty I take, but it^s only bein' tn dis- 
thress in regard of eatinV'^ says I, ^^ that I made bowld to 
throuble yez, and if you could lind me the loan of a grid- 
iron," says I, ^^ rd be entkely obleeged to ye." 

By gor, they all stared at me twice worse nor before — 
and with that, says I (knowin^ what was in their minds), 
^^ Indeed it's thrue for you," says I, ^^I'm tatthered to 
pieces, and I look quare enough ; but it's by raison of the 
storm," says I, ^^ which dhruv us ashore here below, and 
we're all starvin'," says I. 

So then they began to look at each other again, and my- 
self, seein' at once dirty thoughts was in their heads, and 
that they tuk me for a poor beggar, comin' to crave 
charity; with that, says I, ^^ 0, not at all," says I, ^^ by no 
manes — we have plenty of mate ourselves there below, 
and we'll dhress it," says I, ^^ if you would be pleased to 
lind us the loan of a giidiron," says I, makin' a low 
bow. 

Well, sir, with that, throth they stared at me twice 
worse nor ever, and faith I began to think that maybe the 
captain was wrong, and that it was not France at all, at all ; 
and so says I : ^^ I beg pardon, sir," says I, to a fine ould man, 
with a' head of hair as white as silver, ^^ maybe Pm under 
a mistake," says I, ^' but I thought I was in France, sir; 
aren't you finTiners?" says I, '' parley voo frongsay "P 

^^WCj mimseerj''^ says he. 



60 PAT AKD THE GEIDrRO:N^. 

'^ Then, would you lind me the loan of a gridiron/' says 
I, ^^if youplasef' 

Oh, it was thin that they stared at me, as if I had seven 
heads ; and, faith, myself began to feel flushed hke and 
onaisy, and so says I, makin^ a bow and scrape agin, '' I 
know it's a hberty I take, sn, but it's only in the regard of 
bein' cast away; and if you plase, sir," says I, ^^ 'parley voo 
frongsay V 

^'TTe, munseer,''^ says he, mighty sharp. 

^^ Then, would you Itud me the loan of a gridiron,'' says 
I, ^^ and you'll obleege me." 

Well, sir, the ould chap began to munseer me ; but the 
devil a bit of a gridiron he'd gi' me, and so I began to 
think they wor all neygars, for all their fine manners ) and 
throth, my blood began to rise, and says I, ^^ By my sowl, 
if it was you was in distriss," says I, '^ and if it was to ould 
Ireland you kem, it's not only the gridiron they'd give 
you, if you axed it, but something to put on it, too, and 
the drop o' drink into the bargain, and caed mile failte.''^ 

Well, the word caed mile failte seemed to sthreck his 
heart, and the old chap cocked his ear, and so I thought 
I'd give him another offer, and make him sensible at last ; 
and so says I, wanst more, quite slow, that he might un- 
derstand, '^Farley voo frongsay j munseer V^ 

^^Wej munseer j'^^ says he. 

^^ Then hnd me the loan of a gridiron," says I, " and bad 
scram to you." 

WeU, bad win to the bit of it he'd gi' me, and the ould 
chap begins bowin' and scrapin', and said somethtag or 
other about long-tongs.* 

'' Phoo !— the divil swape yourself and your tongs," says 
I ; ^^ I don't want a tongs at all, at all ] but can't you hs- 
ten to raisonf says I. '^Farley voo frongsay F" • 

^'We^ munseer,''^ 

* Some mystiflcation of Paddy's touching the French n'entends. 



HOW DENifIS TOOK THE PLEDGE. 61 

'^ Then lind me the loan of a grichron/^ says I, ^' and 
howld your i)rate/^ 

Well, what would you think, but he shook his ould 
noddle, as much as to say he wouldn^t; and so says I, 
^' Bad cess to the likes o' that I ever seen — throth if you 
wor in my counthry it^s not that-a-way they^d use you. 
The curse o' the crows an you, you owld sinner," says I, 
^^ the divil a longer I^U darken your door." 

So he seen I was vexed, and I thought, as I was turnin' 
away, I seen him begin to relint, and that his conscience 
throubled him ; and says I, turnin^ back, ^^ Well, m give 
one chance more, you ould thief: Are you a Chrishthan at 
all — are you a farriner," says I, ^^ that all the world calls 
so polite ? Bad luck to you, do you understand your own 
language f Farley voo frongsay V^ says I. 

'^TTe, munseer,''^ says he. 

" Then, thunder an^ turf," says I, '' will you lind me the 
loan of a gridiron!" 

Well, sir, the devil resave the bit of it he'd gi' me, and 
so with that, '^ The curse o' the hungry an you, you ould 
negarly villain !" says I; *nhe back o' my hand, and the 
sowl o' my foot to you, that you may want a gridiron your- 
self, yit," says I ] and with that I left them there, sir, and 
kem away — and, hi troth, it's often since that I thought 
that it was remarkable. 



HOW DENNIS TOOK THE PLEDGE. 

A Limerick Irishman named Dennis, addicted to strong 
drmk, was often urged by his friends to sign the pledge, 
but with no avail, until one day they read to him from a 
newspaper an account of a man who had become so thor- 
oughly saturated with alcohol, that, on attempting to blow 
out a candle, his breath ignited, and he was instantly 
blown to atom.s. Dennis's face showed mingled horror 



62 PADDY O^RAFTHER. 

and contrition, and his friends tliought that the long-de- 
sired moment of repentance was at hand. 

^^ Bring me the book, boys, bring me the book ! Troth, 
his breath took foir, did it ? Sure, I'll niver die that death, 
onyhow," said Dennis, with the most solemn countenance 
imaginable. ^^ Hear me now, b'ys, hear me now. I, Den- 
nis Finnegan, knowin^ my great weakness, deeply sinsible 
of my past sins, an' the great danger I've been in, hereby 
take me solemn oath, that, so long as I hve, under no 
provocation whativer, will 1— biota out a cancUl again P^ 



PADDY O'RAFTHER. 

SAMUEL LOVER. 

Paddy, in want of a dinner one day, 
Credit all gone, and no money to pay, 
Stole from the priest a fat pullet, they say, 
And went to confession just afther ; 
'' Your riv^rince," says Paddy, '^ I stole this fat hen.'' 
'' What, what !" says the priest, ^' at yom* owld thricks again? 
Faith, you^d rather be stealin^ than sayin' amen, 

Paddy O'Raftherr 

'^ Sm*e yon woiildii^t be angry," says Pat, '^ if you knew 
That the best of intintions I had in my view, 
For I stole it to make it a present to you, 
And you can absolve me afther/' 
'^ Do you think,'' says the priest, ^^ Pd partake of your theft? 
Of yom* seven small senses you must be bereft — 
You're the biggest blackguard that I know, right or left, 

Paddy O'Eaftherr 

^^ Then what shall I do with the pullet," says Pat, 
^' If your riv'rince won't take it ? — By this and by that 
I don't know no more than a dog nor a cat 

What your riv'rince would have me be afther." 
^' Why J then," says his rev'renee, " you sin-blinded owl, 
Give back, to the man that you stole from, 1 Is fowl, 
For if you do not, 'twill be worse for your p' wl, 

laddyO'Rafther!" 



PAT AND HIS MUSKET. 63 

Says Paddy, " I asked him to take it — ^tis tlirue 
As ttds minit I'm talldn^, yom* riv^rince, to yon ; 
But lie wouldn't resaive it — so what can I do ?" 
Says Paddy, nigh chokin' with laughter. 
'^ By my throth/' says the priest, " but the case is absthruse ; 
If he won't take his hen, why the man is a goose — 
'Tis not the first time my advice was no use, 

Paddy O'Kafther! 

'^ But for the sake of your sowl, I would sthrongi}^ advise 
To some one in want you would give yom* supplies, 
Some widow, or orphan, with tears in their eyes, 

And then you may come to me afther.^^ 
So Paddy went off to the brisk "Widow Hoy, 
And the pullet, between them, was eaten with joy. 
And, says she, *''Pon my word you're the cleverest boy, 

Paddy O'Eaftherr 

Then Paddy went back to the priest, the next day, 
And told him the fowl he had given away 
To a poor lonely widow, in want and dismay, 
The loss of her spouse weeping after. 
'^ Well, now,'' says the priest, ^' I'U absolve you, my lad. 
For repentantly making the best of the bad. 
In feeding the hungry and cheering the sad, 

Paddy O'Raffcher \" 



PAT AND HIS MUSKET. 

An Irish Recitation. 

I've heard a good joke of an Emerald Pat, 
Who kept a few brains and a brick in his hat. 
He was bound to go hunting ; so, taking his gun, 
He rammed down a charge — this was load number one 
Then put in the priming, and when aU was done, 
By way of experiment, thought he would try 
And see if perchance he might hit the ^' buU's eye.*^ 
He straightened himself till he made a good figure, 
Took dehberate aim, and then pulled the trigger. 
Click ! went the hammer, but nothing exploded ; 
^^ And sure,'' muttered Paddy, '^ the gun isn't loaded !'^ 



64 THE lEISH PHILOSOPHER. 

So down went another charge^ just as before, 
Unless this contained just a grain or two more. 

'^ I wonder can this be still shootin'f ^ said Pat ; 

'' m put down a load now, Vm certain of that ; 
1^11 try it again, and then we shall see V^ 
So down went the cartridge of load number three ! 
Then trying again, with a confident air. 
And succeeding no better, gave up in despair. 
Just at that moment, he happened to spy 
His friend, Michael Milligan^ hurrying by. 

'' Hollo, Mike ! come here, and just try on my gun ; 
I've been tryin' to shoot till I'm tired and done !'' 
So Mike took the gun, and pricked up the powder, 
Kemarkiug to Pat, '^ It would make it go louder f 
Then placing it firmly against his right arm, 
And never suspecting it might do him hann, 
He pointed the piece in the proper direction, 
And pulled on the trigger without more reflection — 
"WTien, off went the gun ! like a country election, 
"Where whisky and gin have exclusive selection 
Of those who are chosen to guard the inspection 
(There's a great deal of noise — and some little inspection) 
And Michael ^^ went ofi"" in another direction ! 

'' Hold on r shouted Pat, '' Hold on to the gun ! 
I put in three loads, and you've fired ofi" but one ! 
Get up, and be careful — don't hold it so level. 
Or else we are both of us gone to the devil !" 

'^ I'm going," says Michael, '^ it's time that I wint, 
I've got myself kicked, and it's time for the hint." 



THE IRISH PHILOSOPHER. 

A FavoHte Irish Recitation. 

Ladies and Gintlemen : — I see so many foine-lookin' 
people sittin' before me, that if you'll excuse me I'U be 
after takin' a seat meself. 

You don't know me, I'm tliinkin', or some of yees 'ad be 
noddin' to me afore this. 



THE IRISH PHILOSOPHER. 65 

I^m a walkin^ pedestrian, a traveling philosopher; Terry 
O^Mulligan's me name. I^m from Dublin, where many 
philosophers before me was raised and bred. Oh, philoso- 
phy is a foine study. I don't know anything about it, but 
it's a foine study. Before I Mm over I attinded an impor- 
tant meetin' of philosophers in Dubhn, and the discussin' 
and talkin' you'd hear there about the world 'ud warm the 
very heart of Socrates or Aristotle himself. Well, there 
was a great many imminent and learned min there at the 
meetin', and I was there too, and while we was in the very, 
thickest of a heated argument a man comes up to me, and 
Says he, "Do you know what we're talkin' about?" "I 
do," says I, "but I don't understand yees." "Could you 
explain the sun's motion round the earth!" says he. "I 
could," says I; "but I'd not know could you understand 
me or not." "Well," says he, "we'll see," says he. 

Sure 'n I didn't know anything how to get out of it then, 
so I piled in, for says I to meself, never let on to any one 
that you don't know anything, but make them believe 
that you do know all about it. So says I to him, takin' 
up me shillalah this way — (Jiolding a very crooked stick 
horizontally) — " We will take that for the straight line of 
the earth's equator." How's that for gehoggraphy? {To 
tlie audience.) Oh, that was straight till the other day I 
bent it in an argument. 

"Very good," says he. "Well," says I, "now the sun 
rises in the east." (Placing the disengaged hand at the 
eastern end of tlie stick.) Well, he couldn't deny that, 
"and," says I, "he — ^he — he rises in the mornin'." No 
more could he deny that. "Very early," says I, "and 
when he gets up he 

Darts Ms rosy beams 
Throiigli the mornin' gleams." 

Do you moine the poetry there? {To the audience j with 
a smile.) "And he keeps on risin' an' risin' till he reaches 



66 ST. KEvrtf. 

his meridan.^' '^Whafs that?" says he. ^^His dinner- 
toime/^ says I. ^^ Sure 'n that^s my Latin for dinner-toime. 
And when he gets his dinner 

He sinks to rest 

Behind the glorious hills of the west." 

Oh, begorra, there^s more poetry. I feel it croppin' out 
all over me. 

^^ There," says I, well satisfied with meself, ^^will that 
do for ye?" 

^^ You haven^t got done with him," says he. 

^^Done with himf" says I, kinder mad like. ^^What 
more do you want me to do with him? Didn't I bring 
him from the east to the west? What more do you 
want?" ^^Oh," says he, ^^you have to have him back 
agin in the east to rise the next momin' ! " 

By Saint Patrick, and wasn't I near betrayin' me ignor- " 
ance. Sure 'n I thought there was a large family of suns, 
and they riz one after the other ; but I gathered meself 
quick, and says I to him, ^^Well," says I, ^^I'm surprised 
you ax me that simple question. I thought any man 'ud 
know," says I, ^^when the sun sinks to rest. in the west 
that er — When the sun," says I — ^^ You said that be- 
fore," says he. ^^ Well, I want to impress it strongly upon 
you," says I. ^^When the sun sinks to rest behind the 
glorious hills of the east — no, west — why, he — why, he 
waits till it grows very dark, and then he goes back in tJie 
night-toime!^^ 



ST. KEVIN. 

A Legend of GlendalougJi, 
At GlendaloTigh Mved a young saint. 

In odor of sanctity dwelling — 
An old-fashioned odor^ which now 

We seldom or never are smeUiug ; 



SAMUEL LOVER. 



ST. KEYIX. 67 

A book or a hook were to Mm 

The utmost extent of his wishes ; 
!N"ow, a snatch at the ^^ Lives of the Saints f 

Then; a catch at the lives of the fishes. 

There vras a yonng vroman^ one day. 

Sauntering along by the lake, sir; 
She looked hard at St. Kevin, they say, 

But St. Kevin no notice did take, sh*. 
"When she found looking hard wouldn^t do, 

She looked soft — ^in the old sheep^s eye fashion ; 
But, with all her sheep's eyes, she could not 

In St. Kevin see signs of soft passion. 

'' You're a great hand at fishing/' says Kate ; 
<( ^Tis yourself that knows how, faith, to hook them ; 
But, when you have caught them, agra, 

Don't you want a young woman to cook them ?" 
Says the saint, ^^ I am ' sayrious inclined/ 
I intend taking orders for hfe, dear." 
'^ Only many," says Kate, ^' and you'U find 

Tou'U get orders enough fi'om your wife, dear." 

''You shaU never be flesh of my flesh," 

Says the saint, with an anchorite groan, sir ; 
'' I see that myself," answer'd Kate, 
'' I can only be ^ bone of your bone,' sir. 
And even your bones are so scarce," 

Said Miss Kate, at her answers so glib, sir, 
'' That I think you would not be the worse 
Of a httle additional rib, sir." 

The saint, in a rage, seized the lass — 

He gave her one twirl round his head, sir, 
And, before Doctor Amott's invention, 

Prescrib'd her a watery bed, sir. 
Oh, cruel St. Kevin ! — for shame ! 

When a lady her heart came to barter, 
You should not have been Knight of the Bath, 

But have bowed to the order of Garter. 



68 THE WIDOW CUMMISKET. 



THE WIDOW CUMMISKEY. 

A Laughable Irish Recitation. 

The Tvidow Cummiskey was standing at the door of her 
httle millinery store, Avenue D, the other everdng, as Mr. 
Costello came along. Mr. Costeilo stopped. 

^' Good evening to you, ma'am," said he. 

^^ Good evening to you/' answered the widow. 

'^ It's jQne weather we're havin', ma'am/' continued Mr. 
Costello. 

^^ It is that, thank God/' replied Mrs. Cummiskey, ^^but 
the winter's comin' at last, and it comes to all, both great 
and small." 

^^Ah!" said Mr. Costello, ^'but for aU that it doesn't 
come to us all alike. Now, here are you, ma'am, fat, rosy, 
an' good-lookin', equally swate as a summer greening, a 
fall pippin, or a winter russet — " 

^^Arrah, hould yer whist, now," interrupted the fair 
widow, laughing. ^^ Much an old bachelor like you knows 
about apples or women. But come in, Mr. Costello, and 
take a cup of tay with me, for I was only standin' be the 
doore lookin' at the people passin' for company sake, like, 
and I'm sm-e the kettle must have sung itself hoarse." 

Mr. Costello needed no second invitation, and he fol- 
lowed his hostess into her snuglDackToom. There was a 
bright fire burning in the little Frankhn stove, the tea- 
kettle was sending forth a cloud of steam that took a ruddy 
glow from the fire-light, the shaded hght on the table gave 
a meUow and subdued light to the room, and it was all 
very suggestive of comfort. 

^^ It's very cosey ye are here, Mrs. Cummiskey," said Mr. 
Costello, casting a look of approbation around the room 

^^ Yes," rephed the widow, as she laid the supper, '4t is 
that whin I do have company." 

^^ Ah," said Mr. Costello, ^4t must be lonesome for you 
with only the cat and yer cup o' tay." 



THE WIDOW CUMMISE3EY. 69 

'^ Sure it is," answered the widow. ^^But take a sate 
and set down, Mr. Costello. Help yourself to the fish, an' 
don't forgit the purtatics. Look at thim ; they're sphttin' 
their sides with laughin'." 

Mr. CosteUo helped himself and paused. He looked at 
the plump widow, with her arms in that graceful position 
assiuned in the pouring out of tea, and remarked, ^^Fm 
sinsible of the comforts of a home, Mrs. Cummiskey, 
although I've none mesilf. Mind, now, the difierence be- 
tween the taste o' the tay made and served that-a-way and 
the tay they gives you in an 'ating-house." 

'^ Sure," said the widow, ^^ there's nothin' like a home of ^ 
your own. I wonder ye never got marrit, Mr. Costello." 

^^ I was about to make the same remark in riference to 
yerself, ma'am," answered Mr. Costello. 

^^ God keep us," exclaimed Mrs. Cummiskey, '^ aren't I 
a widder woman this seven year ?" 

^^Ah," rejoined Mr. Costello, ^^but it's thinkin' I was 
why ye didn't get marrit again." 

" Well, it's sure I am," said the widow, thoughtfully, set- 
ting down her tea-cup and raising her hand byway of em- 
phasis, ^' there never was a better husband to any woman 
than him that's dead and gone. Heaven save and rest his 
soul. He was that aisy, a child could do anythin' with 
him, and he was as humorsome as a monkey. You favor 
him very much, Mr. Costello ) he was about your height, 
an' dark-complected hke you !" 

^^ Ah !" exclaimed Mr. Costello. 

^^He often used to say to me in his bantherin' way, 
^ Sure, Nora, what's the worruld to a man whin his wife is 
a widder f manin', you know, that all timptations in 
luxuries of this life can never folly a man beyant the 
grave. ' Sure, Nora,' says he, ^ what's this worruld to a man 
whin his wife is a widder f Ah, poor John !" 

^^ It T^as a sensible sayin', that," remarked Mr. CostehO; 
helping himself to more fish. 



70 THE WIDOW CUMMISKEY. 

^' I mincl the day John died," continued the widow. ^^ He 
knew everything to the last, and about four in the after- 
noon — it was seventeen minutes past five exactly, he the 
clock, that he died — ^he says to me, ^Nora,' says he, 
' you've been a good wife,^ says he, ^ an' IVe been a good 
husband/ says he, ' an' so there's no love lost betune us,' 
says he, ' an' I could give you a good char-ak-tur to any 
place,' says he, ^ an' I wish you could do the same for me 
where I'm goin',' says he, ^ but it's case equal,' says he ] 
' every dog has his day, and some has a day and a half,' 
says he, ^and,' says he, ^I'll know more in a bit than 
Father Corrigan himself,' says he, ' so I'll not bother my 
brains about it / and he says, says he, ^ and if at any time 
ye see anny wan ye like better nor me, marry him,' says 
he, for the first time spakin' it solemn hke. ^ Ah, Nora, 
what is the wurruld to a man when his wife is a widder ? 
And,' says he, ' I lave fifty dollars for masses, and the rest 
I lave to yom^self,' says he, ' an' I needn't tell ye to be a 
good mother to the children,' says he, ^ for well we know 
there are none.' Ah, poor John. Will ye have another 
cup of tay, Mr. Costello !" 

^^ It must have been very hard on ye," said Mr. CosteUo. 
'^ Thank ye, ma'am, no more." 

^^ It was hard," said Mrs. Cummiskey; ^^but time wiU 
tell. I must cast about me for me own livin', an' so I got 
until this place, an' here I am to-day." 

'^ Ah !" said Mr. Costeho, as they rose from the table 
and seated themselves before the fire, ^^ an' here we are 
both of us this evenin'." 

"• Here we are, sure enough," rejoined the widow. 

^^ An' so I mind ye of— of him, do I?" asked Mr. Cos- 
teUo, after a pause, during which he had gazed contem- 
platively into the fire. 

^^ That ye do," answered the widow. '^ Ye favor him 
greatly. Dark-complected an' the same pleasant smile." 

^^ NoW; with me sittin' here, and you sittin' there fore- 



THE WIDOW cummise:ey. 71 

ninst me, ye miglit almost think ye were marrit again/' 
said Mr. Costello, insinuatingly. 

^^ Ah; go 'way now for a taze that ye are," exclaimed the 
widow, mussing her clean apron by rolling up the corners 
of it. 

^' I disrememher what it was he^said about seein' anny 
man you liked better nor him," said Mr. Costeho, moving 
his chair a httle nearer to that of the widow. 

^^ He said, said he," answered the widow, smoothing her 
apron over her knees with her plump white hands, '^ ^ Nora,' 
said he, ^ if any time ye see anny man ye hke better nor 
me, marry him,' says he." 

^^ Did he say anything about anny wan ye liked as well 
as him f" asked Mr. Costello. 

^^ I don't mind that he did," answered the widow, re- 
flectively, folding her hands in her lap. 

^^ I suppose he left that to yerself f pursued Costello. 

^^ Faith, an' I don't know, thin," answered Mrs. Cum- 
miskey. 

^^ D'ye think ye hke me as well as him f asked Costello, 
persuasively, leaning forward to look into the widow's 
eyes, which were cast down. 

^^ Ah, go 'way for a taze," exclaimed the widow, straight- 
ening herself, and playfully slapping Costello in the face. 

He moved his chair still nearer, and stole his arm around . 
her waist. 

^^ Nivver you think I'm ticklesome, Mr. Costello," says 
the widow, looking boldly at him. 

^^ Tell me," he insisted, '^ d'ye hke me as well as ye did 
him?" 

^^ I — I most — I most disremember now how much I liked 
him," answered the widow, naturally embarrassed by such 
a question. 

^^ Well, thin," asked Costello, enforcing his question by 
gentle squeezes of the widow's round waist; ^^ d'ye hke me 
well enough as meself f 



72 THE IRISHMAK^S PANORAMA. 

'*' Hear the man !" exclaimed the widow, derisively ; ^^ do 
I hke him well enough as himself!'^ 

^^Ah, now, don't be breakin' me heart," i)!^^^^^^ C^'S- 
tello. ^^ Answer me this question, Mrs. Cummiskey: Is 
yer heart tender towards me I" 

^^It is," whispered ^the widow; '^ an' there, now ye 
have it." 

^^ Glory be to God !" exclaimed the happy lover, and he 
drew the not unwilling widow to his bosom. 

A few minutes after Mrs. Cummiskey looked up, and, as 
she smoothed her hair, said : '^ But, Jam — es, ye haven't 
told me how ye hked yer tay." 

^^ Ah, Nora, me jewel," answered Mr. Costello, *^ the 
taste of that first kiss would take away the taste of aU the 
tay that ever was brewed." 



*'THE IRISHMAN'S PANORAMA." 

As recited ly J. S. Bur deft. 

Ladies and gintlemen: In the foreground over thare 
yer'll observe Vinegar Hill, and should yer be goin' by that 
way some day, yer moight be fatigued, an' if yer ar' yerll 
foind at the fut o' the hill a nate httle cot kept by a man 
name McCarty, who, be the way, is as foine a lad as you'll 
mate in a day's march. I see by the hasp on the door that 
McCarty's out, or I'd take yes in an' introduce yer. A 
foine, noble, ginerous feUar this McCarty, shure, an' if he 
had but the wan peratie he'd give yer the half it, an' phot's 
more, he'd thank yer for takin' it. (Move the crank, 
James. Music be the bagpipes, Larry.) 

Ladies an' gintlemen : We've now arrived at a beautiful 
shpot, situated about twinty moiles this side o' Limericl^:. 
To the left over thare yer'll see a hut be the side of which 
is sated a lady an' gintleman ; well, as I was goin' that way 
wan day, the following conversation I heard 'twixt him an' 
her. Says she to him : '' James, it's a shame for yer to be 



THE miSHMAlT^S PAIN'OEAMA. 73 

ratin' me so — yer moind the time yer come to me father's 
castle a-heggin^ !^^ ^^ Yer father's castle, me woife f shm-e 
yer could shtand on the outside, stick yer arm down the 
chimney, pick peraties out o' the pot, and divil a partition 
betwixt you and the hogs hut shtraw !*^ (Move the crank, 
James, etc.) 

Ladies and gintlemen: We have now arrived at the 
beautihil and classical Lakes of Killarney. Thare^s a curi- 
ous legend connected wid dese lakes that I must relate to 
yer. It is that every avenin', at foor o'clock in the after- 
noon, a beautiful swan is seen to make its appearance, and 
while movin^ along transendently and ghdelessly, ducks its 
limbs, skips under the water, and yer'll not see him again 
till the next afternoon. (Turn the crank, James, etc.) 

Ladies and gintlemen : We have no^ arrived at another 
beautiful shpot, situated about thirteen an' a half miles 
this side of Coruk. This is a grate place, noted for shports- 
men, an' phile shtoppin' over thare at the Hotel de Finney, 
the following tilt of a conversation occurred betwixt Mr. 
Muldooney, the waiter, and meself. I says to him, says I, 
" Mully, ould boy, will you have the kindness to fetch me 
m the mustard f an' he was a long time bringin' it, an' I 
opportuned him for kapin' me, and says he to me, says he, 
^^ Mr. McCune (that's me), I notice that you take a great 
dale of mustard wid your mate." ^^1 do," says L Says 
he, ^^ I notice that you take a blame sight of mate wid your 
mustard." (Move the crank, James, etc.) 

Ladies and gintlemen : Before I close my Panaramma, 
I'll show you one more picture. 

While traveling in the States, some years ago, for the 
benefit of my health, I took the cars for Chin-chin-nat-ti, 
State of Oh-ho-ho, on me way to Mont-real and Que-bec- 
que, in Can-a-da, down the river Saint Larry-o-mae, till a 
place called Buff-lo, after which I struck a party going 
about eighteen an' a half miles north, till a place celebrated 
for its great waterfall, an' called Ni-a-ga-ra. 



74 PADDY BLAKE^S ECHO. 

While passin^ by the Falls wan evenin' I overheard the 
followin' remarks pass between a lady an' gintleman. Says 
he to her^ '^ Mary Ann," says he, ^^ cast your eyes up on 
that ledge of rocks, and see that vast body of water 
a-rushin' down over the precipice. Isn't that a great 
curiosity f " ^^ I know that," says she ; ^^ but fou^dent it be 
a greater curiosity if they'd all turn round and pass back 
again ?" 

^^ James, turn the crank. Larry, give us ^^ Home, Swate 
Home.") 

PADDY BLAKE'S ECHO. 

SAMUEL LOVER. 

One of the Wojxders of Killarney, 

In the gap of Dunlo 

There's an echo, or so, 
And some of them echoes is very surprisin' ; 

You'll think, in a stave 

That I mane to desaive, 
For a ballad's a thing you expect to find lies in. 

But visibly thrue 

In that hill fominst you 
There's an echo as plain and safe as the bank, too ; 

But civilly spake 
" How d'ye do, Paddy Blake?" 
The echo politely says ^' Yery well, thank you !" 

One day Teddy Keogh 

"With Kate Conner did go 
To hear from the echo such wondherful talk, sir ; 

But the echo, they say, 

Was conthrairy that day. 
Or perhaps Paddy Blake had gone for a walk, sir. 

So Ted says to Xate 
^' 'Tis too hard to be bate 
By that deaf and dumb baste of an echo, so lazy, 

But if we both shout 

At each other, no doubt, 
We'll make up an echo between us, my daisy I 



THE WAKE OF TIM O^HAEA. 75 

'' :N'ow, Kitty/' says Teddy, 
'^ To ansTver be ready/' 
'^ Oh, very well, thank you/' cried out Kitty, then, sir. 
'' Would you like to wed, 
Kitty darlin' f ' says Ted. 
" Oh, very well, thank you/' says Kitty, again, sir. 
'' D'ye like me f" says Teddy, 
And Mtty, quite ready. 
Cried " Yery well, thank you !" with laughter beguiling. 
Kow won't you confess 
Teddy could not do less 
Than pay his respects to the lips that were smiling ? 

Oh, dear Paddy Blake, 

May you never forsake 
Those hills that return us such echoes endearing ; 

And, ghis, all translate 

The sweet echoes like Kate, 
2:^0 faithfulness doubting, no treachery fearing. 

And, boys, be you ready, 

Like frolicsome Teddy, 
Be earnest in loving, though given to joJcing; 

And thus when inclined. 

May all true lovers find 
Sweet echoes to answer from hearts they're invoking ! 



THE WAKE OF TIM O'HARA. 

ROBERT BUCHANAN. 

To the wake of O'Hara 

Came companie ; 
All St. Patrick's Alley 

Was there to see, 
"With the friends and kinsmen 
Of the family. 
On the old deal table Tim lay in white. 
And at his pillow the burning light ; 
While, pale as himself, with the tear on her cheek, 
The mother received us — too full to speak. 
But she heap'd the fire, and, with never a word. 



76 THE WAKE OF TIM O^HAPvA. 

Set the black bottle upon the board, 
"WTiile the company gathered, (me and all. 
Men and women, big and small — 
Kot one in the alley but felt a call 

To the wake of Tim O'Hara. 

At the face of O'Hara, 
All white with sleep, 

IN'ot one of the women 
But took a peep, 

And the wives new wedded 
Began to weep. 
The mothers clustered around about, 
And praised the linen and laying out. 
For white as snow was his winding-sheet, 
And all looked peaceful, and clean, and sweet. 
The old wives, praising the blessed dead, 
Clustered thick round the old press-bed, 
Where O^Hara^s widow, tattered and torn. 
Held to her bosom the babe new-bom, 
Ajid stared all round her, with eyes forlorn, 

At the wake of Tim O^Hara. 

For the heart of O^Hara 
Was trae as gold. 

And the life of O'Hara 
Was bright and bold. 

And his smile was precious 
To young and old. 
Gay as a guinea, wet or dry, 
"With a smiling mouth and a twinkling eye I 
Had ever an answer for chaff or fun, 
"Would fight like a lion with any one ! 
ISTot a neighbor of any trade 
But knew some joke that the boy had made ! 
Kot a neighbor, dull or bright, 
But minded something, frolic or fight, 
And whispered it round the fire that night, 

At the wake of Tim O'Hara. 



THE WAKE OF TIM O^HAKA. 11 

'' To God be glory 
In death and life ! 
He^s taken O'Hara 

From trouble and strife/' 
Said one-eyed Biddy, 
The apple-wife. 
'^ God bless old Ireland V^ said Mistress Hart, 

Mother of Mike, of the donkey-cart : 
^' God bless old Ireland tiU aU be done ! 
She never made wake for a better son V^ 
And aU joined chorus, and each one said 
Something kind of the boy that was dead. 
The bottle went round from lip to hp, 
And the weeping widow, for fellowship, 
Took the glass of old Biddy, and had a sip, 
At the wake of Tim O'Hara. 

Then we drank to O'Hara 
"With drams to the brim, 

While the face of O'Hara 
Looked on so grim, 

In the corpse-light shining 
Yellow and dim. 
The drink went round again and again ; 
The talk grew louder at every drain ; 
Louder the tongues of the women grew ; 
The tongues of the boys were loosing too ! 
But the widow her weary eyelids closed. 
And, soothed by the drop of drink, she dozed ; 
The mother brightened and laughed to hear 
Of O'Hara' s fight with the grenadier, 
And the hearts of us all took better cheer, 

At the wake of Tim O'Hara. 

Tho' the face of O'Hara 

Looked on so wan. 
In the chimney comer 

The row began ; 
Lame Tony was in it, 

The oyster-man. 



78 FATHEB MOLLOT. 

For a dirty low thief from the north came near 
And whistled " Boyne Water " in his ear, 
And Tony, with never a word of grace, 
Hit ont his fist in the blackguard^s face. 
Then all the women screamed out for Mght ; 
The men that were drunkest began to fight; 
Over the chairs and the tables they threw ; 
The coi-pse-light tumbled, the trouble grew ; 
The new-bom joined in the hullabaloo. 
At the wake of Tim O'Hara. 

'^ Be still! Be silent! 
Ye do a sin ! 
Shame be his portion 
Who dares begin !" 
'Twas Father O'Connor 
Just entered in ; 
And all looked shamed, and the row was done ; 
Sony and sheepish looked every one ; 
But the priest just smiled quite easy and free — 
'' Would you wake the poor boy fi-om his sleep T said he. 
And he said a prayer, with a shining face, 
Till a land of a l^rightness filled the place ; 
The women lit up the dim corpse-light. 
The men were quieter at the sight ; 
And the peace of the Lord fell on all that night, 
At the wake of Tim O'Hara. 



FATHER MOLLOY. 

SAMUEL LOVEE. 

The Dying Confession of Paddy McCabe. 

Paddy McCabe was dying one day. 

And Father Molloy he came to confess him ; 
Paddy prayed hard he would make no delay. 
But forgive him his sins and make haste for to bless him. 
" First tell me your sins,'' says Father Molloy, 
i' Yox I'm thinking you've not been a very good boy." 



FATHEK MOLLOT. 79 

'' Oh/' says Paddy, '^ so late in the evenin' I fear 
'Twoiild throuble yon snch a long story to hear, 
For yonVe ten long miles o'er the monntain to go, 
T^hile the road Vve to travel's ranch longer, you know : 
So give US your blessin' and get in the saddle ; 
To tell all my sins my poor brain it would addle ; 
And the docthor gave ordhers to keep me so quiet — 
'Twould disturb me to tell all my sins, if Fd thry it — 
And your Keverence has towld us unless we tell all 
'Tis worse than not maMn' confession at all : 
So m say, in a word, I'm no very good boy, 
And, therefore, your blessin', sweet Father Molloy." 

" Well, Fll read from a book," says Father Molloy, 
" The manifold sins that humanity's heir to ; 
And when you hear those that your conscience annoy, 4 

You'll just squeeze my hand, as acknowledging thereto." 
Then the Father began the dark roll of iniquity. 
And Paddy, thereat, felt his conscience grow rickety. 
And he gave such a squeeze that the priest gave a roar— 

" Oh, murdher !" says Paddy, " don't read any more ; 
For, if you keep readin', by all that is thrue. 
Tour Eeverence's fist will be soon black and blue ; 
Besides, to be troubled my conscience begins, 
That your Reverence should have any hand in my sins. 
So you'd better suppose I committed them all — 
For whether they're great ones, or whether they're small, 
Or if they're a dozen, or if they're four-score, 
'Tis yom- Eeverence knows how to absolve them, asthore : 
So, I'll say, in a word, Fm no very good boy. 
And, therefore, your blessin', sweet Father Molloy." 

'^ Well," says Father MoUoy, ^' if your sins I forgive, 
So you must forgive all your enemies truly, 
And promise me also that, if you should live, 
You'll leave off your old tricks, and begin to live newly.'' 
" I forgive ev'rybody," says Pat, with a groan, 
" Except that big vagabone, Micky Malone ; 

And him I wiU mm'dher if ever I can — " 
" Tut, tut !" says the priest, '' you're a very bad man ; 



80 PAT^S LETTER. 

For without your forgiveness, and also repentance, 
Tonsil ne'er go to heaven, and that is my sentence.^' 
'' Pooh !" says Paddy McCahe, " that^s a very hard case ; 
With your Reverence and heaven I^m content to make pace ; 
But with heaven and your Reverence I wondher — och hone, 
You would think of comparin' that blackguard, Malone. 
But since I^m hard pressed and that I must forgive, 
I forgive — if I die ; but as sm*e as I live 
That ugly blackguard I will sm-ely desthroy ! — 
So now for your blessin', sweet Father Molloy V* 



PAT'S LETTER. 

"Well, Mary, me darlint, I'm landed at last, 

And troth, though they tell me the steamer was fast, 

It sames as if years upon years had gone by 

Since Paddy looked intill yer beautiful eye ! 

For Amerikay, darlint — ye'll think it is quare — 

Is twinty times furder than Corli from Kildare ; 

And the say is that broad, and the waves are that high, 

Te're tossed like a fut-ball 'twixt wather and shky ; 

And ye fale like a pratie just bm*stin' the shkin, 

That aU ye can do is to howld yersilf in. 

Ochone ! but, me jewel, the say may be grand : 

But, when ye come over, dear, travel by land ! 

It's a wondheiful counthry, this — so I am towld — 
They'll not look at guineas, so chape is the gowld : 
And the three that poor mother sewed into my coat 
I sowld for a thrifle, on Taving the boat. 
And the quarest of fashions ye iver have seen ! 
They pay ye with picters all painted in green. 
And the crowds that are rushing here, morning and night, 
"Would make the lord-lieutenant shake with the fright. 
The strates are that full that there's no one can pass, 
And the only law is, ^^ Do not thread on the grass." 
Their grass is the quarest of shows — by me vow — 
For it wouldn't be munched by a Candlemas cow. 
TeU father I wint, as he bid mO; to see 



THE BIRTH OF ST. PATRICK. 81 

His friend, Tim O^Shannon, from Killjcaiighnee. 

It\s rowling in riches O'Shamion is now, 

"With a wife and tin babies, six pigs and a cow, 

In a nate little house, standing down from the strate, 

With two beautiful rooms, and a pig-sty complate. 

I thought of ye, darlint, and dramed such a drame ! 

That mebbe, some day, we'd be living the same ; 

Though, troth, Tim O^Shannon^s wife niver could dare 

(Poor yaller- skinned crayther) with you to compare ; 

While, as for the pigs, shure ^twas aisy to see 

The bastes were not mint for this land of the fr'ce. 

I think of ye, darlint, fi'om morning till night ; 
And when I'm not thinking ye're still in me sight ! 
I see your blue eyes, with the sun in their glance — 
Your smile in the meadow, your fut in the dance, 
ni love ye, and thrust ye, both living and dead ! 
(Let Phil Blake look out for his carroty head !) 
Pm working, acushla, for you — only you ! 
And Pll make ye a lady yit, if ye'U be true ; 
Though, troth, ye can't climb fortune's laddher so quick, 
"WTiin both of your shouldhers are loaded with brick ; 
But PU do it — I declare it, by — this and by that— 
Which manes what I daren't say — from 

Your own Pat. 



THE BIBTH OF ST. PATBICK. 

SAMUEL LOVER, 

On the eighth day of March it was, some people say. 
That Saint Pathrick at midnight he first saw the day ; 
While others declare 'twas the ninth he was bom. 
And 'twas aU a mistake between midnight and mom ; 
Por mistakes ivill occur in a hurry and shock. 
And some blamed the babby — and some blam'd the clock- 
Till with all thefr cross-questions sure no one could know 
If the child was too fast — or the clock was too slow, 
Kow the first faction fight in owld Ireland, they say, 
Wa3 all on account of Saint Pathrick's birthday ; 
Some fought for the eighth — for the ninth more would die, 



82 BRIDGET O'HOOLEGOIN^S LETTER. 

And who wouldn't see right, sure they blackened his eye ! 
At last both the factions so positive grew, 
That each kept a birthday, so Pat then had ticOy 
Till Fathei\Mulcahy, who showed them their sins. 
Said, '' Iso one could have two birthdays, but a twins J* 
Says he, ^^ Boys, don't be fightin' for eight or for nine, 
Don^t be always dividin' — but sometimes combine ; 
Combine eight with nine, and seventeen is the mark, 
So let that be his bh'thday/' ^' Amen/^ says the clerk. 
" If he wasn't a twins, sure our hist'ry will show 
That, at least, he's worth any two saints that we know V^ 
Then they all got blind dhrunk — which complated then* bliss, 
And we keep up the practice from that day to this. 



BRIDGET O'HOOLEGOIN'S LETTER. 

Tullymucclescrag, Panish of Ballyraggett, near 
Ballysluggathey, County of Kilkenny, 
Ireland, Jinuary the 1th. 

My Dear Nephew : I haven't sent ye a letther sinc6 
the last time I wrote to ye, bekase we have moved from 
our former place of livin' and I didn't know where a letther 
would find ye ; but I now with pleasure take up me x>in 
to inform ye of the death of yer own livin' uncle, Ned Fitz- 
patrick, who died very suddenly a few days ago afther a 
lingerin' illness of six weeks. The poor fellow was in 
violent convulsions the whole time of his sickness, lyin' 
perfectly quiet, and intirely speechless — all the while talk- 
in' incoherently, and ciyin' for wather. I had no oppor- 
tunity of informin' ye of his death sooner, except I wrote 
to ye by the last post, which same went off two days be- 
fore he died ; and then ye would have postage to pay. 
I'm at a loss to tell what his death was occasioned by, but 
I fear it was by his last sickness, for he was niver well ten 
days togither durin' the whole of his confinement ; and I 
believe his death was brought about by his aitin' too much 
of rabbit stuffed with pais and gravy, or pais and gravy 



BRIDGET O^HOOLEGOIX'S LETTER. 83 

stuffed with rabbit; but be that as it may, when he 
brathed his last, the docther gave up all hope of his re- 
covery. I needn^t tell ye anything about his age, for ye 
well know that in June next ho would have been just 
seventy-five years old lackin^ ten months, and, had he 
hved till that time, would have been just six months dead. 
His property now devolves to his next of kin, which all 
died some time ago, so that I expect it will be divided be- 
tween us; and ye know his property, which was 7ery 
large, was sold to pay his debts, and the remainder he lost 
at a horse-race ; but it was the opinion of iverybody at the 
time he would have won the race, if the baste he run aginst 
hadn't been too fast for him. 

I niver saw a man in all my hfe, and the docthers all 
said so, that observed directions or took medicine betther 
than he did. He said he would as leve dhrink bitter as 
sweet if it had only the same taste, and ipecakana as 
wisky punch, if it would only put him in the same humor 
for fightin\ But, poor sowl ! he will niver ate or dhrink 
any more, and ye haven't a hvin' relation in the world ex- 
cept meself and yer two cousins who were kilt in the last 
war. I cannot dwell on the mournful subject any longer, 
and shall sale me letther with black sahn'-wax, and put 
in it yer uncle's coat-of-arms. So I beg ye not to brake 
the sale when ye open the letther, and don't open it until 
two or three days afther ye resave this, and by that time 
ye will be well prepared for the sorrowful tidings. Yer old 
sweetheart sinds her love unknownst to ye. When Jarry 
McGhee arrives in America, ax him for this letther, and if 
he don't brung it from amongst the rest, tell him it's the 
one that spakes about yer uncle's death, and saled in black. 
I remain yer affectionate ould grandmother, 

Bridget O'hoolegokt. 

P. S. — Don't write till ye resave this. 

N. B. — When yez come to this place, stop, and don't 
rade any more until my next. 



84 PADDY PAGAN'S PEDIGREE. 

PADDY FAGAN'S PEDIGREE. 

Am—" Sprig of Shillaleh." 
Vm a tight Irieli boy, and from Dublin I came, 
I am highly connected, Pat Fagan's my name, 

And it isn't meself that's a vulgar spalpeen ; 
I am all the way there, and in truth, sirs, you'll find 
While I'm going ahead, sure I'm never behind ; 
I never use blarney wid age or wid youth — 
If I tell lies all day, sure every word's truth, 

Wid my double-milled larning, and shamrock so gi'cen. 

SPOKE:sr. — And where did I lam it all? Sure from the 
mother-tongue of my father^ who was a fine, motherly man, 
but he had a knack of growing, and he'd never lave it off; 
from a boy he grew mto a young man, then he'd not lave it 
off; from a young man he grew into an old man, then he'd 
not lave it off; so for a change he grew dead one day, and 
then he'd not lave it off, for he grew musty, and fusty, and 
rusty ; so to keep him sweet above ground we put him un- 
der it, and by the powers he'd not lave off growing then, 
for the last time we dug him up he wasn't there, for he had 
grown himself to waste. Och ! but he had a knack of get- 
ting over the boys and girls too, for on his table was larning 
and potatoes at the same time, and you were welcome to 
eat them all and leave the rest behind you. Och ! sure he 
had a most ilhgant brogue, and he laid his blarney on with 
a trowel, and this was the way of htm : ^^ Och !" said he, 
^^ honor your fathers and mothers all the days of their lives, 
if they died before you were bom. Keep your hands from 
picking and stealing, or if you steal anything mind it be- 
longs to yoursilf. Niver spake ill of your neighbor widout 
giving him a good character. Keep your tongue from ly- 
ing and slandering, unless you speak thruth all the time 
you are doing of it. Niver break your word widout keeping 
of it at the same time. Always honestly pay your debts 
whether you owe any or not. Niver borrow an article of a 
neighbor that he h^s not got to lend you, or you are likely 



PAT O'FLANIGAN^S COLT. 85 

to get disappointed ; by ttie same rule niver lind an article 
that you have not got ; if you do, you will never get it 
back again. Niver try to keep an empty sieve full of 
water, or attempt to bottle off the wind, or run afther a 
flash of lightning. But there are some people who are so 
disagreeable, that they are niver quiet but when they are 
kicking up a row, and niver satisfied but when they are 
discontinted. Now such people should go to some unin- 
habited, unknown country which they can^t find out, and 
not let their frinds know where to find them. Thin when 
they were all alone, hke Adam and Eve were in the garden 
of St. Stephen, if they should have a row wid their next- 
door neighbor, to save peace and quietness, and prevent 
blows, box it out wid them." This is the way me father 
taught me, and thus I lead his way while he goes before 

me. 

I'm a tight Irish boy, etc. 



PAT O'FLANIGAN'S COLT. 

An Irish Recitaiion. 

Patrick O'Flanigan^ fi:om Erin's isle 

Just fresh^ tMnking he'd walk around a while, 

"With open mouth and widely staring eyes, 

Cried '^ Och !" and '^ Whist !" at every new sm'prise. 

He saw some laborers in a field of corn ; 

The golden pnmpldns fit the scene with glory ; 

Of ah that he had heard since being born, 

I^othing had equaled this in song or story. 

'^ The holy mither ! and, sirs, would ye plaise 
To be a teUin' me what might be these ? 
An' sm*e I'm thinMn' that they're not pratees, 
But maybe it's the way you grow your chase." 

" Ah; Patrick, these are mare'*s ^gg^/' said the hand^ 
(xiving a wink to John, and Jim, and Bill ; 

^' Just hatch it out, and then you have yom* horse ; 
Take one and try it ; it will pay you well." 



86 PAT O^FLANIGAK'S COLT. 

" Faith aii^ that^s aisy sure ; in dear ould Ireland 
I always had my Christmas pig so nate, 
Fatted on buttermilk^ and hard to bate ; 
But only gintlemen can own a horse. 
Ameriky's a great counthry indade ; 
I thought that here Fd kape a pig, of coorse, 
Have me own land, and shanty without rent, 
An' have me vote, an' taxes not a cint ; 
But sm*e I niver thought to own a baste. 
An' won't the wife and childer now be glad ? 
A thousand blissings on your honor's head ! 
But could ye tell by lookin' at the egg 
"What color it will Jiatch ? It's to me taste 
To have a dapple gray, with a long tail. 
High in the neck, and sLLnder in the leg, 
To jump a twel' feet bog, and niver fail. 
Like me Lord Dumferline's at last year's races— '^ 
Just then the merry look on aU their faces 
Checked Patrick's flow of talk, and with a blush 
That swept his face as milk goes over mush, 
He added, ^^ Sure, I know it is no use 
To try to teU by peering at an egg 
If it wiU hatch a gander or a goose ;" 
Then looked around to make judicious choice. 

'^ Pick out the largest one that you can hide 
Out of the owner's sight there by the river ; 
Don't drop and break it, or the colt is gone ; 
Carry it gently to your Little farm, 
Put it in bed, and keep it six weeks warm.'' 
Quickly Pat seized a huge, ripe, yeUow one, 

^' Faith, sure, an FIL do every bit of that. 
The whole sax wakes I'll lie meself in l)ed, 
An' keep it warrum, as your honor said ; 
Long life to yees, and may you niver walk, 
ISTot even to yom* grave, but ride foriver ; 
Good luck to yees," and without more of talk 
He pulled the forelock neath his tattered hat, 
And started off ; but plans of mice and men 
G-ang oft agley, again and yet again. 



PAT O^FLANIGAN^S COLT. 87 

Fiill half a mile upon Ms homeward road 

Poor Patrick toiled beneath his heavy load. 

A hilltop gained, he stopped to rest, alas ! 

He laid his mare's egg on some treacherous grass ; 

When down the steep hillside it rolled away, 

And at poor Patrick's call made no delay. 

Gaining momentum, with a heavy thump, 

It struck and split upon a hollow stump. 

In which a rabbit lived with child and wife. 

Frightened, the timid creatm'e ran for life. 
" Shtop, shtop my colt !" cried Patrick, as he ran 

After his straying colt, but all in vain. 

With ears erect poor Bunny faster fled 

As ^^ Shtop my colt V' in mournful, eager tones 

Struck on those organs, till vdth fright half dead 

He hid away among some grass and stones. 

Here Patrick searched till rose the harvest moon, 

Braying and whinnying till he was hoarse. 

Hoping to toe the colt by this fond cheat ; 
*^ For won't the young thing want his mither soon, 

And come to take a bit of sometMng t' eat V' 

But vain the tender accents of his call — 

Ko colt responded from the broken wall ; 

And 'neath the twinlding stars he plodded on, 

To tell how he had got and lost his horse. 
^^ As swate a gray as iver eyes sat on,'' 

He said to Bridget and the children eight. 

After thrice telling the whole story o'er ; 
'^ The way he run it would be hard to bate ; 

So little, too, with jist a whisk o' tail, 

Hot a ptn-feather on it as I could see. 

For it was hatched out just sax weeks too soon ! • 

An' such long ears were niver grown before 

On any donkey in grane Ireland ! 

So little, too, you'd hold it in your hand ; 

Och hone ! he would have made a gay donkey." 

So all the sad Flanigans that night 

Held a loud wake over the donl^ey gone, 

Eating their ^' praties " without nulk or salt. 



PAT AND THE OYSTERS. 

Howling between wliiies, '- Oeli ! my little colt V 
While Bunny, trembling from his dreadful fr'ight, 
Skipped home to Mrs. B. by light of moon. 
And told the story of his scare and flight ; 
And all the neighboring rabbits played around 
The broken mare's egg scattered on the ground. 



PAT AND THE OYSTERS. 

One evening a red-headed Connaught swells of no small 
aristocratic pretensions in his own eyes, sent his servant, 
whom he had just imported from the long-horned kingdom, 
m all the rough majesty of a creature fresh from the 
^' wilds," to purchase a hundred of oysters on the City 
Quay. Paddy staid so long away, that Squire Trigger got 
quite impatient and imhappy, lest his ^^ body man" might 
have shpped into the Liffey. However, to his infinite re- 
lief, Paddy soon made his appearance, puffing and blowing 
hke a disabled bellows, but carrying his load seemingly in 
great triumph. ^' Well, Pat," cried the master, ^^ what 
the devil kept you so long f" ^^ Long ! Ah, thin, maybe 
it's what you^d have me to come home with half my arrantV^ 
says Pat. ^^ Half the oysters?" says the master. '^No; 
but too much of the ^5/^," says Pat. ^^ What fish?" says 
he. ^^ The oysters, to be sure," says Pat. ^^ What do you 
mean, blockhead!" says he. ^^ I mean," says Pat, ^^ that 
there was no use in loading myself with more nor was use- 
ful." ^^Will you explain yourself?" says he. ^^I will," 
says Pat, laying down his load. '' Well, then, you see, 
plaise your honor, as I was coming home along the quay, 
mighty peaceable, who should I meet but Shammus 
Maginus ? ^ Good-morrow, Shamien,' sis I. ^ Good mor- 
row, kindly, Paudeen,^ sis he. ^ What is it you have in the 
sack V sis he. ^ A hundred of oysters,^ sis I. ^ Let us look 
I at thom,^ sis he. ^I will, and welcome,^ sis L ^Arrah! 



JIMMY MCBRIDE^S LETTER. 89 

thunder and pratees!^ sis he, opening the sack, and 
examining them, ^ who soivld 5'ou these V ^ One Tom Kina- 
han that keeps a small ship there below/ sis I. ' Musha, 
then, bad luck to that same Tom that sotvld the likes to 
you !^ sis he. ^ Arrah ! why, avick V sis I. ^ To make a 
holsotir ov you, an' give them to you without claning thim,' 
sis he. ^ An' arn't they claned, Jim, aroon V sis I. ^ Oh ! 
bad luck to the one of thim,' sis he. ^ Mushathen/ says I, 
^ what the dhoul will I do at all, at all ? for the master will 
be mad.' ^ Do !' sis he, ^ why, I'd rather do the thing for 
you myself, nor you should lose your place,' sis he. So wid 
that he begins to clane them with his knife, nate and zvell, 
an', afeered ov dirtying the flags, begor, he swallowed the 
msides himself from beginnin' to ind, tal he had them as 
dacent as you see thim here," dashing down at his master's 
feet his bag of oyster-shells, to his master's no small 
amazement. 



JIMMY McBRIDE'S LETTER. 

The following characteristic letter was wiitten by a 
Hibernian, after six years' experience of American institu- 
tions : 

" New York, Dec. tlie one, 1867. 

My dear Mary, the darlint of my heart and sowl, I am 
well, but had the favor and ague ; and I hope you are in 
the same condition, thanks be to God. I wish you many 
happy New Years, and the childer, and hope you will ha\'e 
threescore and ten of them. We had a Christmas here. 
But the Haythens don't keep it hke we used at home. 
Divil resave the one ivir said to me Many Rappy Christ- 
mas, or Bad luck to you, or any other Politeness. I did 
not get a Christmas box until i was goiog home that night, 
and a night-walking Blackguard gave me one on the eye^ 



90 JIMMY MCBRIDE'S LETTER. 

and axed me for my money. I gave him all i could, about 
a score of pounds, v/hicli knocked the sinse out of him. 
Dear Mary, They tell me that the Nagur is going to be the 
White Man in futm-e ] and the "White Nagurs in Congress, 
a public house in Washington, are going to try the Presi- 
dent for being a white man. If they find him guilty, and 
there is no doubt of it, for they are accusers, witnesses, 
lawyers and judges all in one, they are going to execute 
him, make a fellow called Coldfacks President, and re- 
move the state of Government to a place called Boshton, 
celebrated for its republicans and sinners. Thim is the 
same as the Rediculous fellows they caU Ridicules, or 
Radicals, saving your Prisence. They want to continue 
their own Power, God Betune us and all harm. They say 
the Southerners must go down on their knees to them. 
They forget that the poor divils are fiat on their backs 
already ) and they are a mane set to kick a man whin he's 
down. Be jabers it makes my Blood bile to think of it. 
One war is no sooner inded then they Commence the be- 
gining of another in Washington ; an' God knows whin or 
where it may ind. I lost one fine leg in the last. But i 
have another left for a good cause, and I'll fight for John- 
son, for i hear his Great Grandmother, by his forefather's 
side, was an Irishman. We have snow and frost here, and 
is likely to have more weather. The temperance men, 
God save the mark, in a place called Albany, where the 
people sind ripresentatives to chate thim, have stopt our 
grog, only By Daylight. Divil a much matter anyways, 
for they don't kape a dacint drap of drink in the country ; 
no raal ould Irish Poteen ; nothing but stuff that would 
kill a pig, if he had to five on it, much less a Christian 
Baste. 

Remember me to Darby. Tell him he's well, and ax 
him how i am. I am sorry to hear of the death of the 
Bull, and hope you are likewise ; her milk is a loss. TeU 
Teddy McFinn if he comes out here he will see more of 



PADDY MCGEATH^S INTRODUCTION TO MR. BRUEST. 91 

America in one day than if he staid home all his hfe. I 
am glad his wife got over the twins^ and hope she'll do 
better the next time, there is room for improvement. I 
hke this country ; but there is no place hke ould Ireland, 
where you^d get as much whisky for a shilling as would 
make tay for six people. If you get this, write soon : if 
you don't, write and let me know. I may be dead, for life 
is uncertain under the Radicals. But dead or ahve I'll 
answer your letter. Address your dear Brother Jimmy, 
New York, America. 

Jimmy Mc Bride. 



PADDY McGRATH'S INTRODUCTION TO 
MR. BRUIN. 

An Irish Story. 

Not long since I was walking with Jimmy Butler through 
a thick wood on me way to Judy O'Flinn's, to pay me bist 
addrissis to her, whin Jimmy very suddintly cried out, 
^^ Be jabers ! but there's Mr. Bruin !" and with that he 
runs off like a shot, lavin' me alone jist forninst the ould 
gintleman. 

'' Mr. Bruin, are ye V^ says I. ^^ How do you do, Mr. 
Bruin ? Happy to know yer worship, and hope yer honor's 
well. Happy o' yer acquaintance," says I. A grunt was 
the only answer I resaved. 

^^ Och, sure !'^ thinks I, ^^ yer a quare ould chap at iny 
rate ;" and thin I axed him how Mrs. Bruin and aU the 
young spalpeen Bruins prospered. He only gev me another 
grunt. ^^ Bad luck to yer eddication !" says I. '^ Where 
did ye hev yer bringin' up f Me name^s Paddy McGrath, 
of Tipperary county, ould Ireland, at yer sarvice," says I 
agin, thinkin' to hev some conversation wid him. He only 
showed me his big grinders and gev me another grunt, but 
he stni stood lookin' at me. ^^ Be dad ! but he's niver 
been taught his letthers, and cannot understhand me, or 



92 PADDY MCGRATH'S nsTTRODTJCTION TO MR. BRULN". 

Ms eyes must be mighty wake and bad. The top o^ the 
mornin^ to yez f Do yez always wear yer coat with the wool 
on the outside V^ says I agin. 

This samed to touch a tinder pint wid him, and he kern 
towards me. Holdin' out me hand, I wint to mate him. 

^^ Excuse the complimint/^ says I, ^^ but jouWe a mighty 
oogly moog, so ye hev." 

He grinned mighty plazed hke, and held out his arrums 
to embrace me. Jist as I kem widin rache of his long 
arrums, he gev me a cuff aside me hid, which sint me flyin\ 
Me sinsis lift me mighty quick afther he sthruck me, and 
whin they kem back, I found meseP a-roUin^ down a shtape 
hill, wid no chance to sthop. Prisintly, howiver, I sthruck 
a big stoomp, and suddintly sthopped. Whin I got on me 
fate agin, I saw Mr. Bruin comin^ afther me on his hands 
and knase, and grinnin^ as much as to say, ^^ I beg yer 
pardin, but I didn't mane to tip yez so hard." 

^^ Och, I fm^give yez,'' says I : ^^ come to me arrums, 
Mr. Bruin. Paddy McGrath is not the filler to hould a 
groodge agin a frind. Yer as welcome to me embrace as 
me own Judy." This samed to plaze the ould gint might- 
ily, for he shtood on his fate and agin held out his arrums ; 
I rushed to his embrace widout another word. 

^^ Och, murdher ! murdher !" I scramed ; ^^ yer a practiced 
hugger, ye are ! jes've been in the business afore ! How 
I pity Mrs. Bruin if ye sarve her this way often. Och, 
murdher !" I cried agin ; ^^ I don't like such tight squazin'. 
m be satisfied wid the httle yeVe gev me if ye'll loosen 
yer ho wid, and gev me a rist." 

He gev me a harder squaze than iver, and opened his 
big oogly jaws and tried to bite me nose off. 

^^Bedad! are ye a haythen cannibal?" says I, ^-that 
ye'd take a filler's hid off to show yer love for him ?" 

He gev me another hug, and fastened his big taath onto 
me lift shoulder. ^^ Bad cess to ye !'' says I, ^' but yer 
afther makin' too fra wid me on short acquaintince ; but 



PADDY MCGRATH^S INTRODUCTIO]^ TO ME. BRUEN". 93 

1^11 be avert wid yez f so sayin^, I twisted me arrum from 
Ms grasp, and, thrustin^ me shillaly into his mouth, gev it 
a twist with such mighty force that I broke his under jaw. 

The ould gint samed to think he had been too lovin^ 
wid me, so givin^ a grunt, he let go me shoulder, takin^ a 
pound of me tinder flish wid him, which he ate with a big 
rehsh. 

^^ Bedad ! Paddy ! if yez don't outdo yer new friend, he'll 
lave but little of yez for yer Judy," thinks I, and widout 
more ado I gev him a blow between his eyes. He gev a 
quick jerk back, and I sprang from his embrace — ^but, 
och ! deary me ! he took the whole of me fine coat, weskit, 
and shht but the shlaves, and started off wid 'em. ^^ Och ! 
ye thavin' murdherin' nager," says I, ''• bring back me close 
or I can't pay me addrissis to me Judy, darlint." 

He niver paid me a bit o' notice, but rooshed off. I 
stharted afther the haythenish baste. 

He climbed up a big tra mighty quick, takin' me close 
wid him. I axed him, very perlite hke, to throw down 
me wearin' apparel, but he only blinked his bloody eyes 
at me. 

I was jist goin^ to throw me shillaly at him, when I heard 
a gun go off, and Mr. Bruin gev a terrible squail, dhropped 
me close, and kem toomblin' to the ground. I looked 
around in astonishment, and saw Jimmy Butler and siveral 
others, comin' down the hill towards me. 

Whin Jimmy saw me alive he cried like a spalpeen, and 
rushed into me arrmns. When he let me go, I axed him 
what he mint by shootin' Mr. Bruin in that way. He told 
me he was a bear and would hev kilt me. ^^A bear ! did 
ye say !" says I, ^^ why didn't yez tell me afore so that I 
could hev kipt ye company in yer rimnin^ away from him? 
A bear !" says I, agin, beginnin' to trimble for fear the 
ould gint might not be quite dead — ^^ give him another 
shot, Jimmy, to be sure ye've kilt him intirely." 

He was dead sure enough^ and we lift hum alone quite gory. 



94 MR. o'hoolahai^^s mistake. 

Jimmy got me some new close, and we wint home. 

Whin I told Judy of the squazin^ I got, she blushed, and 
put her arrums around me nick, and gev me so soft a 
squaze that, for a time, I forgot me introduction to Mr. 
Brain. 



MR. O'HOOLAHAN'S MISTAKE. 

An Irish Recitation. 

An amusing scene occurred in Justice Young's court-room 
an evening or two since. Two sons of the ^^ ould sod,'' fall 
of ^^ chain-lightning " and law, rushed in, and, advancing to 
the justice's little law-pulpit at the rear of the court-room, 
both began talking at once. 

^^ One at a time, if you please," said the judge. 

^^ Judge — ^yer — honor — willlsphake thin?" said one of 
the men. 

^^ Silence !" roared his companion. '^ I am here ! Let me 
talk ! Phwat do you know about law ?" 

^^ Keep still yourself, sir," said the judge. " Let him say 
what he wants." 

" Well, I want me naime aff the paiper. That's phwat 
I want," said the man. 

^^ Off what paper f said the judge. 

^^ Well, aff the paiper : ye ought to know what paiper. 
Sure, ye married me, they say." 

^' To whom f" asked the judge. 

^^ Some female, sir ; and I don't want her, sir. It don't 
go ! and I want me naime aff the paiper." 

" Silence !" roared the friend, bringing his huge fist down 
upon the little pulpit, just under the judge's nose, with a 
tremendous thwack. ^^ Silence I I am here. Phwat do 
you know about law ? Sure, yer honor, it was TimMcClos- 
key's wife that he married — ^his widdy, I mane. You 
married thim, yer honor." 



ME. O^HOOLAHAiq^^S MISTAKE. 95 

^^ And I was dhrunk at the time, sir. Yis, sir ; and I 
was not a free aigent ; an^ I don^t Imow a thing about it, 
sir — (io you see? I want me naime aff the paiper — I 
repudiate, sir." 

'^ Silence ! Let me spake. Phwat do you know about 
law ?" bringing his fist down upon the judge^s desk. 

^^ But I was dhrunk : I was not at the time a free aigent." 

'^ Silence ! I am here to spake. It does not depind on 
that at all. It depinds — and there is the whole pint, both 
in law and equity — ^it depinds whether was the woman a 
sole thrader or not at the time this marriage was solem- 
nated. That is the pint, both in law and equity !" 

^^ But I was dhrunk at the time. Divil roawst me if I 
knowed I was gittin^ married. I was not a free aigent. I 
want the judge to talk me naime aff the paiper. It don^t go." 

The judge tried to explain to the man that, drunk or 
sober, he was married to the woman fast enough, and, if 
he wanted a divorce, he must go to another court. 

"^ Burn me up !" cried the man, ^^ if I go to another court. „ 
Ye married me, and ye can unmarry me. Talk me naime 
aff the paiper !" 

'^ Silence !" cried the friend, bringing his fist down in 
close proximity to the judge^s nose. ^^ Phwat do you know 
about law ? I admit, judge, that he must go to a higher 
court; that is (down comes the fist) if the woman can 
prove (whack) that she was at the time the marriage was 
solemnated (whack) a regularly ordained sole thrader 
(whack). On this pint it depinds, both in law and equity." 

^^ I have had enough of this !" cried the judge : ^^ I cannot 
divorce you. You are married, and married you must re- 
main, for all I can do." 

^^ Ye won^t talk me naime aff the paiper, thin !" 

^^ It would not mend the matter," said the judge. 

^^Ye won^ttaikitafff" 

'^ No : I won't !" fairly yeUed the judge. 

^^ Silence !" cried the partner, bringing down his fist, and 



96 MR. o^hoolahan's mistake. 

raising a cloud of dust under the judge^s nose. '^ It depinds 
whether, at the time, the woman was a regular sole — " 

^^Get out of here/^ cried the judge. ^^ I've had about 
enough of this !-' at the same time rismg. 

''' Ye won't talk it aff ? Very well, thin, I'll go hoam and 
devorce myself. I'll fire the thatch ! I will — '^ 

Here he glanced toward the front door : his under jaw 
drooped, he ceased speaking, and in a half-stooping posture 
he Vv^ent out of the hack door of the ofdce like a shot. 

The valiant friend and legal adviser also glanced toward 
the door, when he, too, doubled up and scooted in the foot- 
steps of his illustrious principal. 

A look at the door showed it darkened by a woman about 
six feet in height, and so broad as to fill it almost from side 
to side. 

The judge took a look at this mountain of flesh, doubled 
up, and was about to take the back track, but thought 
better of it, and took refuge behind his little law-pulpit. 

The moimtain advanced, gave utterance in a sort of 
internal rumble, and then, amid fire, smoke, and burning 
lava, belched out — 

'^ Did I, or did I not see Michael O^Hoolahan sneak out 
of your back doore V^ 

^^ I beheve O'Hoolahan is the name of one of the gentle- 
men who just went out," said the judge. 

Advancing upon the pulpit, behind which the judge set- 
tled lower and lower, the mountain belched, — 

^* You be -e -lave ! You know it was Michael O'Hoolahan ! 
Now, what is all this connivin' in here about f Am I a wid- 
dy agin ? Did ye talk his naime aff the paiper ? Did ye 
talk it aff r 

"• N-no," said the judge. 

^^ Ye didn't? Don't ye desave me V^ 

^^ No : I give you my word of honor I didn't, couldn't— I 
had no right.'' 

^^ It's well for ye ye didn't. I"ll tache him to be rinnin' 



KITTY MALOKE. 97 

about connivin^ to lave me a lone widdy agin^, whin I^m 
makkV a jintleman of Mm V^ 

^^ With this she sailed back to the door, where she turned, 
and, shaMng her fist, thus addressed the tip of the judge's 
nose, which alone was visible above the httle pulpit, — 

^^ Now, do you mind that ye lave his naime on the paiper ! 
I want no meddlin' wid a man wanst I git him. No more 
connivin' V^ 



KITTY MALONE. 

'^ It's tellin' my story, ye're askin' ? 

Shure, miss, there is httle to tell; 
The children are down with the fay ver, 

And mesilf, I am not over weU. 

^^ Where's Pat ? Shure, now^ ye are taysin' ; 

"Who knows, when a man is away ? 
The woman must bide with the babbies, 

And niver be idle nor play. 

'^ Out of work ? Shnre ye are right, miss, 
I^Tot a ha'porth he's done for a year. 

Git along, is it ? Why, 'tis the washin' 
And scrubbin' that kapes us all here. 

'^ Te see, miss, when Pat is a-slaypin' " 
So swate, and a-dramin' of heaven, 

Why, I tend the babbies and washes 
For you folks in two twenty-seven. 

'^ And thin I'll be mindin' the childer, 
The fayver is hard on 'em, dear — 

What's ailin' the likes of ye, lady ? 
Ter swate eyes is wet wid a tear ! 

'^ Ye see, as I said, wMle Pat's slaypin', 
I'm aiming om' pennies for bread, 

Or givin' a sup to poor Johnnie, 
Or puttin' the babby to bed. 



98 KITTY MALONE. 

" It keeps me that busy, I never 
Know whether it rains or it snows. 

Quit washin' ? 'WTiy, bless ye, dear lady, 
These poor little lambs would be froze. 

'' And Pat is that fond of me, lady, 
^Twould make ye to smile, could ye see 

How he'll coax for a bit of terbaccy. 
And hangs round the likes of poor mo. 

*^ Make him work ? ISTow, my lady, y e're foolin^- 
Do ye think he could stand at the tub. 

And wring out the close for the gentry ? 
Or go down on his knees for to scrub ? 

'' Pat's a mighty fine man, thin, my lady. 

Does he drink ? Shure, niver a drop ; 
He is aisy, my Pat, an' he tells me, 
' Shure, Kit, you will never give up.' 

'' And no more will I thin, while my babbies 
Creep round on this old cabin floor ; 

And Pat, he jist smokes, so continted. 
And throws me a smack at the door. 

'' Down-hearted ? Oh, bless ye, swate lady, 

There's times when I can't spake a prayer— 
The babbies, mayhap, wantin' breakfast. 

And me not a crust for the pair ; 
'' Or the meal, maybe, gone from the cupboard, 

Or the landlord has asked for his rint ; 
Oh, my heart goes down like a stone, miss, 

And me not ownin' a cint. 
" Ajid Pat ? Oh, he jist goes away thin — 

Men cannot bide trouble at home — 
And I ? "WeU, dear, Kitty McCarthy 

"Was gayer nor Kitty Malone." 
* * * * *f * 

Oh, tender and true-hearted Womanhood, 

Whether found in palace or cot. 
What knows the world of thy viilues ? 

How soon thy toil is forgot ! 



IBISH ASTROI^OMY. 99 

On the roll of the army of martyrs 

Write a name — on a pure white stone ; 
Only God and the angels know thee^ 

Poor, battle-scarred Kitty Malone ! 



IRISH ASTRONOMY. 

CHARLES G. HALPINE. 

A veritable myth, touching the constellation of O'R'iAN, ignorantly and 
falsely spelled Okion. 

O'Ryan was a man of might, 

"Whin Ireland was a nation, 
But poachin' was his heart's dehght, 

And constant occupation. 
He had an ould militia gun, 

And sartin sure his aim was ; 
He gave the keepers many a run. 

And wouldn't mind the game laws. 

St. Pathrick wanst was passin^ by 

O'Eyan^s little houldin', 
And as the saint felt wake and dhry. 

He thought he^d enther bould in ; 
'' O^Ryan,^' says the saint, ^' avick ! 

To praich at Thurles I'm goin' ; 
So let me have a rasher, quick, 

And a dhrop of Innishowen." 

" !N'o rasher will I cook for you 

While betther is to spare, sir ; 
But here's a jug of mountain dew, 

And there's a rattlin^ hare, sir.^ 
St. Pathrick he looked mighty sweet. 

And says he ^^ Good luck attind you, 
And when you^re in your windin' sheet 

It's up to heaven I'll sind you.'' 

O'Ryan gave his pipe a whiff — 

'^ Them tidin's is thransportin'. 
But may I ax your saintship if 

There's any iind of sportln' !" 



100 PATRICK O^ROTJKE AND THE FROGS. 

St. Patbrick said, '^ A Lion^s there, 
Two Bears, a Bull, and Cancer" — 
" Bedad/' says Mick, " the hnntin's rare, 
St. Pathrick, Pni your man, sir !'' 

So, to conclude my song aright. 

For fear I'd th-e your patience. 
You'll see O'Ryau any night 

Amid the constellations. 
And Yenus follows in his track. 

Till Mars grows jealous raally. 
But, faith, he fears the Irish knack 

Of handling his shillaly. 



PATRICK O'ROUKE AND THE FROGS. 

GKOKGE W. BUNGAY. 

Saint Patrick did a vast deal of good in liis day ; he not 
only drove the snakes out of Ireland^ but he also drove away 
the fi'ogs — at least I judge so from the fact tnat Patrick O^- 
Ronke was unfamilia'r with the voices of these noisy hydro- 
paths. Pat had been visiting at the house of a friend, and 
he had unfortunately imbibed more whisky than ordinary 
mortals can absorb with safety to their persons. On his 
return home the road was too narrow, and he perfoimed 
wonderful feats in his endeavors to maintain the centre of 
gravity. Now he seemed to exert bis best eflbrts to walk 
on both sides of the road at the same time ; then he would 
fall and feel upward for the ground ; then he would slowly 
pick himself up, and the ground would rise and hit him 
square in the face. By the time he reached the meadow- 
lands, located about half-way betwixt his home and the 
shanty of his hiend, he was somewhat sobered by the ups 
and downs he had experienced on the way. 

Hearing strange voices, he stopped suddenly to ascertain 
if possible the purport of their language. Judge his aston- 
ishment when he heard his own name distinctly caUed, 
'' Patrick O'llouke— Patrick O^Rouke." 



PATRICK O^ROUKE AND THE FROGS. 101 

^^ Faith, that^s me name, sure.^' 

^TatrickO'Eouke— Patrick— O'Rouke—Eouke—Roiike.^^ 

^^ What do ye want o^ the hkes o' me V^ he inqmred. 

^^ When did you come over — come over — come over V^ 

^' It is jest tree months ago to the minute, and a bad 
time we had, sure, for we wur all say-sick, and the passage 
lasted six long wakes. ^^ 

^^What will you do — do — dof What will you do — do 
—do V' 

''- 1 have nothing to do at all at all ; but then I can do 
anything : I can dig ; I can tind mason ; and I can hould 
office, if I can git it.'' 

^^ You are drunk — you are drunk — drunk— drunk — drunk 
—drunk." 

^^ By my soul that's a he." 

'^ You are drunk — dead drunk — drunk — drunk." 

'^ Repate that same if ye dare and I will take me shiUaly 
to ye." 

'' You are drunk — dead drunk — drunk — drunk." 

^^ Jist come out here now and stip on the tail o' me coat, 
like a man," exclaimed Pat in high dudgeon, pulhng off 
his coat and trailing it upon the ground. 

^^ Strike him — strike him— strike — strike — strike." 

^^ Come on wid ye, and the divil take the hindmost • I 
am a broth of a boy — come on." 

'^ Knock him down — down — down." 

'^ I will take any one in the crowd, and if Mike Mulhgan 
was here we would take all of yees at onct." 

'[ Kin him— kiU hun— kill him." 

^^ Och, mm"ther ! sure ye wud not be afther murdering 
me — ^I was not oncivil to ye. Go back to Pate Dogan's 
wid me now, and I will trate ivery one of yees." 

'' We don't di^ink rum — ^rum — rum." 

^^ And are ye all Father Matthew men V^ 

^^ We are cold watermen — watermen." 

^^ Take me advice now, and put a little whasky in the 



102 PATRICK O'ROUKE AND THE FROGS. 

watlier, darlings : it will kape tlie cowld out whin yees git 
wet, and so it will.^^ 

*^ Moderation— moderation — moderation.^' 
^^Yis, that's the talk. I wint to Pate Dogan's, down 
there m BrownviUe, and says I, ^ Will ye stand trate V 
Says he^ ^ Faith, and I will.' Says I, ^ Fill up the glass ;' 
and so he did ; ^ Fill it agin/ said I, and so he did ; ^ and 
agin^' said I, and so he did. ^ Give me the bottle/ said I. 
^And I won't do that same/ said he. ^ Give me the bottle/ 
said I, and he kipt on niver hecdin' me at all at all, so I 
struck him wid me fist rite in his partatee thrap, and he 
kicked me out o' the house, and I took the hint that he 
didn't want me there, so I lift.'' 

^^ Blackguard and bully — blackguard and bully." 
^^ Ye wouldn't dare say that to my face in broad day, 
sm^e ; but ye are a set of futpads and highwaymin, hiding 
behind the rocks and the traas. Win I onct git to Watertown 
I will sind Father Fairbanks afther ye, and he will chuck 
ye into the pond as he did that thafe who stole the public 
money, and he will hould ye there until ye confess, or he 
will take yees to the perleese." 

^^ Come on, boys — chase him — chase him." 
^' Faith, and I won't ran, but I will jist walk rite along, 
for if any of me frinds shud find me here in sich company, 
at this time o' night, they wud think I was thrying for to 
stale somethin'. Tak me advice, boys, and go home, for 
it's goin' for to rain, and ye will git wet to the skin if ye 
kape sich late hours." 

^^ Catch him — catch him — catch him." 
^^ Sure ye'd bether not, for I haven't got a cint wid me or 
I'd lave it in yer jackets. What's the use of staling all a 
man has whin he has jist nothing at all at all ? Bad luck 
, to ye for bothering me so." 

About this time the frog concert was in full tune, and the 
hoarse chorus so alarmed Pat that he took to his heels, for 
he was now sober enough to run. Reaching his home, two 



miSH COQUETRY. 103 

miles distant from the scene of his encounter with the ^^igh- 
waymin " who held such a long parley with him, he gave a 
graphic history of his grievance. Soon it was noised about 
the neighborhood that Patrick O'Eouke had been waylaid 
and abused by a drunken set of vagabonds, whose head- 
quarters were near a meadow on the banks of the Black 
Eiver; but the fear of the citizens subsided when they 
discovered that Pat had been out on a bender, and could 
not distinguish a frog from a friend or an enemy. 



IRISH COQUETRY. 

Says Patrick to Biddy, ^^ Good-momin^, me dear ! .. 
It^s a bit av a sacret Fve got for yer ear : 
It^s yourser that is luMn' so charmin^ the day, 
That the heart in me breast is fast shppin' away." 
^' ^Tis you that Mn flatther/^ Miss Biddy rephes. 
And throws him a glance from her merry blue eyes. 

" Arrah, thin/' cries Patrick, ^^ 'tis thinkin' av you 
That's makin' me heart-sick, me darhnt, that's thrue ! 
Sure I've waited a long while to tell ye this same, 
And Biddy Maloney wiU be such a foine name." 
Cries Biddy, ^^ Have done wid yer talkin,' I pray ; 
Shure me heart's not me own for this many a day ! 

'' I gave it away to a good-lookin' boy, 
"Who thinks there is no one like Biddy MaUoy ; 
So don't bother me, Pat ; jist be aisy," says she. 

" Indade, if ye'll let me, I wiU that !" says he ; 

'^ It's a bit of a flirt that ye are, on the sly ; 
I'll not trouble ye more, but I'll bid ye good-by." 

'^ Arrah, Patrick," cries Biddy, '^ an' where are ye goin' ? 
Sure it isn't the best of good manners ye're showia' 
To lave me so suddint !" '' Oeh, Biddy," says Pat, 

" You have knocked the cock-feathers jist out av me hat !" 

" Come back, Pat !" says she. '^ "What fur, thin ?" says he. 

'^ Bekase I meant you aU the time, sh !" says she. 



104 KING O'TOOLE AND ST. KEVIN. 



KING O'TOOLE AND SAINT KEVIN. 

SAMUEL LOVER. 

^^ Well, sir, you must know that there was wanst a king 
called King O^Toole, who was a fine ould king in the ould 
ancient times, long ago ; and it was him that ownded the 
Churches in the airly days." 

^^ Surely/' said I, ^Hhe churches were not in King 
OToole'S time?'' 

^^ Oh, by no manes, yer honor — troth, it's yourself that's 
right enough there — but you know the place is called ^ The 
Churches,' bekase they wor built aftlier by Saint Kavin, 
and wint by the name o' the Churches iver more ; and 
therefore, av coorse, the place bein' so called, I say that the 
king ownded the Churches — and why not, sir, seein' 'twas 
his birthright, time out o' mind, beyant the flood ? Well, 
the king, you see, was the right sort — he was the rale boy, 
and loved sport as he loved his life, and huntin' in par- 
tic'lar ; and from the rising o' the sun, up he got, and 
away he wint over the mountains beyant afther the deer : 
and the fine times them wor ; for the deer was as plinty 
thin, aye, throth, far plintyer than the sheep is now ; and 
that's the way it was with the king, from the crow o' the 
cock to the song o' the redbreast. 

''' In this counthry, sir," added he, speaking parentheti- 
cally, in an under-tone, ^^we think it unlooky to kill the 
redbreast, for the robin is God's own bird." 

Then, elevating his voice to its former pitch, he pro- 
ceeded : 

^^ Well, it was all mighty good as long as the king had 
his health ; but, you see, in coorse o' time the king grevrn 
owld, by raison he was stiff in his limbs, and when he got 
sthricken in years, his heart failed him, and he was lost 
intirely for want of divarshin, bekase he couldn't go a 
huntin' no longer, and by dad, the poor king was obleeged 
at last for to get a goose to divart him." 



Kma O-TOOLE AND ST. KEVIN. lOS 

Here an involuntary smile was produced by tMs regal 
mode of recreation^ ^^ the royal game of goose." 

^^ Oh, you may laugh, if you like," said he, half affronted, 
^^ but it^s thruth I^m tellin^ you ; and the y/ay the goose 
divarted him was this-a-way : you see, the goose used for 
to swim acrass the lake, and go down divin^ for throut 
(and not finer throut in all Ireland than the same throut) 
and cotch fish on a Friday for the king, and flew every 
other day round about the lake, divartin^ the poor king, 
that you^d think he'd break his sides laughin' at the frol- 
icsome tricks av his goose ; so in coorse o' time the goose 
was the greatest pet in the counthry, and the biggest 
rogue, and divarted the king to no end, and the poor king 
was as happy as the day was long. So that's the way it 
was ; and all went on mighty well, antil, by dad, the goose 
got sthricken in years, as well as the king, and grown stiff 
in the hmbs, like her masther, and couldn't divart him no 
longer ; and then it was that the poor king was lost com- 
plate, and didn't know what in the wide world to do, seein' 
he was done out of all divarshin, by raison that the goose 
was no more in the flower of her blame. 

^^Well, the king was nigh hand broken-hearted, and 
melancholy intirely, and was walkin' one mornin' by the 
edge of the lake, lamentin' his cruel fate, an' thinkin' o' 
drownin' himself, that could get no divarshin in life, when 
all of a suddint, turnin' round the corner beyant, who 
should he meet but a mighty dacent young man comin' up 
to him. 

^^ ^ God save you,^ says the king (for the king was a civil- 
spoken gintleman, by all accounts), ^ God save you,' says 
he to the young man. 

^^ ^ God save you kindly,' says the young man to him 
back again ; ^ God save you,' says he, ^ King O'Toole.' 

^^ ^ True for you,' says the king, ^ I am King O'Toole,' 
says he, ^ prince and plennypennytinchery o' these parts/ 
says he ; ^ but how kem ye to know that V says he. 



106 EXN^G O'TOOLE and ST. KEVrN\ 

'^ ^ Oh, niver mind/ says Saint Kavin. 

^^ For you see/^ said old Joe, in his under-tono again, 
and looking very knowingly, ^^it was Saint Kavin, sure 
enough — the saint himself in disguise, and nobody else. 
^ Oh, niver mind,^ says he, ^ I know more than that,^ says 
he, ^ nor twice that.^ 

'' 'And who are you that makes so bowld — who are you 
at all at all !^ 

'^ ' Oh, never you mind,' says Saint Kavin, ' who I am ; 
you'll know more o' me before we part, King O'Toole,' 
says he. 

'' ' I'll be proud o' the knowledge o' your acquaintance, 
sir,' says the king, mighty p'hte. 

'^ ' Troth, you may say that,' says Saint Kavin. ' And 
now, may I make bowld to ax, how^ is your goose. King 
O'Toole V says he. 

'^ 'Blur-an-agers, how kem you to know about my 
goose V says the king. 

'^ ' Oh, no matther — I was given to undherstand it,' says 
Saint Kavin. 

'^ ' Oh, that's a folly to talk,' says the king ; ' because 
myself and my goose is private friends,' says he, ' and no 
one could tell you,' says he, ' barrin' the fairies.' 

^' ' Oh, thin it wasn't the faiiies,' says Saint Kavin ; 'for 
I'd have you to know,' says he, ' that I don't keep the hkes 
o' sitch company.' 

'' ' You might do worse, then, my gay fellow,' says the 
king ) ' for it's tliey could show you a crock o' money as 
aisy as kiss hand ; and that's not to be sneezed at,' says 
the king, ' by a poor man,' says he. 

'' ' Maybe I've a betther way of makin' money myself,' 
says the saint. 

'' ' By gor,' says the king, ' barrin' you're a coiner,' says 
he, ' that's impossible !' 

'' ' I'd scorn to be the hke, my lord !' says Saint Kavin, 
mighty high ; ' I'd scorn to be the hke,' says he. 



KnSTG O'TOOLE and ST. KEYTN. 107 

^^^Then what are you?^ says the king^ ^ that makes 
money so aisy, by yom^ own account.^ 

^^ ^ I'm an honest man/ says Saint Kavin. 

^^ ^ Well, honest man/ says the kmg, ' how is it you made 
yom* money so aisy f 

'' ' By makin^ ould things as good as new/ says Saint 
Kavin. 

" ' Blm'-an-onnS; is it a tinker you are V says the king. 

"" ^ No/ says the saint ; ^ Tm no tinker by thrade, King 
OToole; Tve a betther thrade than a tinker/ says he. 
^ What would you say/ says he, ^ if I made your ould goose 
as good as new f 

'' My dear, at the words o^ makin^ his goose as good as 
new, you^d think the poor ould king^s eyes was ready to 
jump out iv his head, ^And,' says he — ' troth, then, Pd give 
you more money nor you could count, ^ says he, ' if you did 
the hke ; and Pd be behoulden to you into the bargain.^ 

'^ '1 scorn your dirty money,' says Saint Kavin. 

^^ ^ Faith, then, Fm thinktn' a trifle o' change would do 
you no harm,' says the king, lookin- up sly at the old cau- 
been that Saint Kavin had on him. 

''• ' I have a vow agin it,' says the saint ; ^ and I am book 
sworn,' says he, ^ never to have gold, silver or brass in my 
company.' 

'' ' Barrin' the trifle you can't help,' says the king, mighty 
cute, and looking him straight in the face. 

'' ' You just hot it,' says Saint Kavin ; ^ but though I can't 
take money,' says he, ' I could take a few acres o' land, if 
you'd give them to me.' 

'' ' With all the veins o' my heart,' says the king^ ^ if you 
can do what you say.' 

^i i Thry me !' says Saint Kavin. ^ Call down your goose 
here,' says he, ' and Til see what I can do for her.' 

^^ With that the Idng whistled, and down kem the poor 
goose, all as one as a hound, waddlin' up to the poor ould 
cripple, her masther, and as hke him as two pays. The 



108 -KING O'TOOLE AND ST. KEYIN. 

minute the saint clapped his eyes an the goose, ' I'll do 
the job for yon/ says he, ^ King O'Toole !' 

^^ ^ By Jaminee,^ says King O'Toole, ^ if you do, but I'll 
say you are the cleverest fellow in the sivin parishes.^ 

^^ ^ Och, by dad/ says Saint Kavin, ^ you must say more 
nor that — my horn's not so soft aU out/ says he, ^ as to 
repair your ould goose for nothin'. What'll you gi' me if 
I do the job for you ? — that's the chat,' says Saint Kavin. 

^^ ^ril give you whatever you ax,' says the king; 4sn't 
that fair f 

^^ ^ Divil a fairer,' says the saint; ^that's the way to do 
business. Now,' says he, ^ this is a bargain I'll make with 
you. King O'Toole : will you gi' me all the ground the goose 
flies over, the first offer afther I make her as good as new ?^ 

^^ ^ I will,' says the king. 

^^ ^ You won't go back o' your word V says Saint Kavin. 

^^ ^ Honor bright !' says King O'Toole, howldin' out his 
fist." 

Here old Joe, after applying his hand to his mouth, and 
making a sharp blowing sound (something like ^^ thpj^^) 
extended it to illustrate the action. 

^^ ^ Honor bright,' says Saint Kavin back again, ^ it^s a 
bargain,' says he. ^ Come here !' says he to the poor old 
goose — ^ come here, you unfort'nate ould cripple,' says he, 
' and it's I that'U make you the sportin' bird.^ 

^^ With that, my dear, he took up the goose by the two 
wings — ^ criss o' my crass on you,' says he, markin' her to 
grace with the blessed sign at the same minute — and 
thro win' her up in the air, ^ whew !' says he, jist givin' her 
a blast to help her ; and with that, my jewel, she tuk to 
her heels, flyin' hke one of the aigles themselves, and 
cuttin' as many capers as a swallow before a shower of 
rain. Away she wint down there, right forninst you, along 
the side of the clift, and flew over Saint Kavin's bed (that 
is where Saint Kavin's bed is now but was not if/m^, by 
raison it wasn't made, but was conthrived afther by Saint 



KING O'TOOLE ANB ST. KEVIN. 109 

Kavin himself, that the women might lave him alone), and 
on with her undher Luduff, and round the ind av the lake 
there, far beyunt where you see the watherfall (though in- 
deed it^s no watherfall at all now, but only a poor dhribble 
av a thing ; but if you seen it in the winther, it id do your 
heart good, and it roarin^ like mad, and as white as the 
dhriven snow, and rowhn^ down the big rocks before, all as 
one as childher playm^ marbles) — and on with her thin 
right over the lead mines o' Luganure (that is where the 
lead mines is nozVy but was not thin, by raison they worn't 
discovered, buttvas all goold in Saint Kavin^stime). Well, 
over the ind o' Luganm-e she flew, stout and sturdy, and 
round the other ind av the little lake, by the Churches 
(that is, av coorse, where the Churches is noiv, but was not 
tJiin^ by raison they wor not built, but aftherwards by Saint 
Kavin), and over the big hill here over your head, where 
you see the big clift (and that clift in the mountain was 
made by Fa^t Ma Cool, where he cut it acrass with a big 
swoord, that he got made a purpose by a blacksmith out 
o' Eathdrum, a cousin av his own, for to fight a joyant 
[giant] that darr'd him an the Curagh o^ Kildare ) and he 
thried the swoord first an the mountain, and cut it down 
into a gap, as is plain to this day ; and faith, sure enough, 
it's the same sauce he sarv'd the joyant, soon and suddent, 
and chopped him in two hke a pratie, for the glory of his 
sowl and ould Ireland) — well, down she flew over the chft, 
and. fluttering over the wood there at Poulanass (where I 
showed you the purty waterfall — and by the same token, 
last Thui-sday was a twelvemonth sence a young lady, 
Miss Eafierty by name, fell into the same watherfall, and 
was nigh hand drownded — and indeed would be to this 
day, but for a young man that jumped in afther her ; indeed 
a smart shp iv a young man he was — ^he was out o^ Francis 
Street, I hear, and coorted her sence, and they wor mar- 
ried, I'm given to undherstand — and indeed a purty couple 
they wor.) WeU — as I said — afther fluttering over the 



110 KI^G O'TOOLE AND ST. KEVn^. 

wood a little bit, to ;plaze herself, the goose flew down, and 
lit at the foot o^ the king, as fresh as a daisy, afther flyiii' 
roun' his dominions, just as if she hadn^t flew three 
perch. 

^^ Well, my dear, it was a beautiful sight to see the king 
standin^ with his mouth open, lookin^ at his poor ould 
goose flyin' as light as a lark, and betther nor ever she 
was ; and when she lit at his fut, he patted her an the 
head, and ^ Ma voiirneen^' says he, ^ but you are the dar- 
lint o' the world.' 

" ^ And what do you say to me,' says Saint Kavin, ^ for 
makin' her the like V 

^ ^^By gor,' says the Iting, ' I say nothin' bates the art o' 
man, barrin' the bees.' 

*^ ^ And do you say no more nor that f says Saint Kavin. 

'^ 'And that Fm behoulden to you,' says the king. 

'''But will you gi' me all the ground the goose flewn 
over,' says Saint Kavin. 

" 'I will,' says King O'Toole, ' and you're welkim to it,' 
says he, ' though its the last acre I have to give.' 

" 'But you'll keep your word thruef says the saint. 

" 'As thrue as the sun,' says the king. 

" 'It's well for you,' (says Saint Kavin, mighty sharp) — 
' it's well for you. King O'Toole, that you said that word,' 
sa}'s he ; ' for if you didn't say that word, the divil receave 
the hit o' your goose id ever fly agin^^ says Saint Kavin. 

" Oh, you needn't laugh," said old Joe, half ofiended at 
detecting the trace of a suppressed smile ) " you needn't 
laugh, /or iVs tJinith I'm tellin^ you, 

" Well, when the king was as good as his word, Saint 
Kavin was plazed with him, and then it was that he made 
himself known to the king. 'And,' says he, ' King O'Toole, 
you're a decent man,' says he, ' for I only kem here to 
thry you. You don't know me,' says he, ' bekase I'm dis- 
guised.' 

" 'Troth, then, you're right enough,' says the king, ' I 



ETN^G O^TOOLE AND ST. KEVrN-. Ill 

didn^t perceave it/ says he ; ^ for indeed I never seen the 
sign o^ sper^ts an you.^ 

^^^Oh! that's not what I mane/ says Saint Kavin ; ^1 
mane I'm deceavin' you all out, and that I'm not myself at 
aU.' 

^^ ^Blur-an-agers, thin/ says the king, ^if you're not 
yourself, who are you V 

^^ ^Vm Saint Kavin/ said the saint, blessin' himself. 

^^ ^ Oh, queen iv heaven !' says the king, makin' the sign 
o^ the crass betune his eyes, and faUin' down on his knees 
before the saint. ' Is it the great Saint Kavin/ says he, 
^ that I've been discoorsin' all this time without knowin' 
it,' says he, ^ all as one as if he was a lump iv a gossoon f 
— and so you're a saint !' says the king. 

^^ ^I am,' says Saint Kavin. 

'^ ^ By gor, I thought I was only talking to a dacent boy,' 
says the king. 

^^ ^Well, you know the differ now,' says the saint. ^ I'm 
Saint Kavin,' says he, ^ the greatest of all the saints.' 

^^For Saint Kavin, you must know, sir," added Joe, 
treating me to another parenthesis, ^^ Saint Kavin is 
counted the greatest of all the saints, because he went to 
school with the prophet Jeremiah. 

^^ Well, my de^, that's the way that the place kem, all 
at wanst, into the hands of Saint Kavin; for the goose 
flewn round every individyial acre of King O'Toole's prop- 
erty you see, hein^ let into the saycret by Saint Kavin, who 
was mighty eiite ; and so, when he done the ould king out 
of his property for the glory of God, he was placed with 
him, and he and the king was the best o' friends iver 
more afther (for the poor ould king was doatin\ you see), 
and the king had his goose as good as new, to divart him 
as long as he hved ; and the saint supported him afther 
he kem into his property, as I tould you, antil the day iv 
his death— and that was soon afther; for the poor goose 
thought he was ketchin' a throut one Friday ; but, my 



112 FATHER ROACH. 

jewel, it was a mistake he made, and instead of a tlirout 
it was a thievin^ horse-eel. By dad, the eel killed the 
king's goose — and small blame to him ; but he didn't ate 
her, bekase he daren't ate what Saint Kavin laid his 
blessed hands on. 

^^ Howsumdever, the king never recovered the loss iv 
his goose, though he had her stuffed (I don't mane stuffed 
with praties and inyans, but as a curiosity), andpresarved 
in a glass case for his own divarshin ; and the poor king 
died on the next Michaelmas Day, which was remarkable. 
Troths ifs thruth Tm tellin^ you. And when he was gone, 
St. Kavin gev him an ilhgant wake and a beautiful berry- 
in' ; and more betoken, he said mass for his soivlj and tuJc 
care av Ms gooseJ^ 



FATHER ROACH. 

SAMUEL LOVER. 

Tliisstory is founded on fact, and exhibits a trial of patience that one 
wonders human nature could support. Passive endurance, we know, is 
more difficult than active, and that which is recorded in the following talo 
is strictly true. 

Father Eoach was a good Irish priest, 
"Who stood, in Ms stocldng-feet, six feet, at least. 
I don't mean to say he'd six feet in his stockings ; 
He only had two — so leave off with your mockings — 
I know that yon think I was maldng a blunder : 
If Paddy says lightning, you think he means thunder : 
So I'll say, in his boots Father Eoach stood to view 
A fine, comely man of six feet two. 

Oh, a pattern was he of a true Irish priest. 

To carve the big goose at the big wedding feast, 

To peel the 'biginatie, and take the big can 

(With a very big picture upon it of '^ Ban"). 

To pour out the punch for the bridegi'oom and bride, 

"Who sat smihijg and blushing on either side, 

"While their health went around, and the innocent glee 

Rang merrily under the old roof-tree. 



FATHEE ROACH. 113 

Father Roach had a very big parish, 

By the very big name of Knockdmidhemmdharish, 

With plenty of bog, and with plenty of mountain : 

The miles he'd to travel would thronble yon conntin\ 

The duties were heavy to go through them all — 

Of the wedding and christening, the mass and sick-call — 

Up early, down late, was the good parish pastor : 

Few ponies than his were obliged to go faster. 

He'd a big pair of boots and a purty big pony. 

The boots gTcased with fat— but the baste was but bony ; 

For the pride of the flesh was so far from the pastor. 

That the baste thought it manners to copy his master : 

And, in this imitation, the baste, hy degrees, 

"Would sometimes attempt to go down on his knees ; 

But in this too-great freedom the Father soon stopped him, 

With a dig of the spurs — or, if need be, he whopp'd him. 

And Father Roach had a very big stick, 
Which could make very thin any crowd he found thick: 
In a fair he would rush through the heat of the action, 
And scatter, like chaff to the wind, every faction ; 
If the leaders escaped from the strong holy man, 
He made sm'e to be down on the heads of the clan ; 
And the Blackfoot who courted each foeman's approach, 
Faith, ^tis hot-foot he'd fly from the stout Father Roach. 

Father Roach had a very big mouth. 

For the brave, broad brogue of the beautiful South ; 

In sajdng the mass sure his flue voice was famous, 

It would do your heart good just to hear his ^^ Oremus," 

Which brought down the broad-shouldered boys to their knees, 

As aisy as winter shakes leaves from the trees ; 

But the rude blast of winter could never approach 

The power of the sweet voice of good Father Roach. 

Father Roach had a very big heart, 

And ^^ a way of his own" — far surpassing all art ; 

His joke sometimes carried reproof to a clown; 

He could chide with a smile — as the thistle sheds down. 

He was simple, tho' sage — he was gentle, yet strong ; 

When he gave good advice he ne'er made it too long, 



114 FATHER ROACH. 

But just rolled it up like a snowball, and pelted 
It into your ear — where, in softness, it melted. 

The good Father^s heart, in its unworldly blindness, 
Overflowed with the milk of human kindness ; 
And he gave it so freely, the wonder was great 
That it lasted so long — for, come early or late. 
The unfortunate had it. iN'ow some people deem 
This milk is so precious, they keep it for cream ; 
But that's a mistake — for it spoils by degi'ees. 
And, tho' exquisite milk, it makes very bad cheese. 

You'll pause to inquire, and with wonder, perchance. 
How so many perfections are placed, at a glance. 
In your view, of a poor Irish priest, who was fed 
On potatoes, perhaps, or at most griddle bread ; 
TVTio ne'er rode in a coach, and whose simple abode 
"Was a homely thatch'd cot on a wild mountain road ; 
To whom dreams of a mitre never occurred ; — 
I will teU you the cause, then — and just in one xcord. 

Father Roach had a Mother, who shed 

Round the innocent days of his infant bed 

The influence holy, which early incHn'd 

In heavenward direction the boy's gentle mind, 

And stamp'd there the lessons its softness could take. 

Which, strengthened in manhood, no power could shake : 

In vain might the Demon of Darkness approach 

The mother-made virtue of good Father Roach ! 

Father Roach had a brother beside ; 
His mother's own darling — ^his brother's fond pride ; 
Great things were expected from Frank, when the world 
Should see his broad banner of talent unforFd. 
But Fate cut him short — for the murderer's knife 
Abridg'd the young days of Frank's innocent life ; 
And the mass for Ms soul was the only approach 
To comfort now left for the fond Father Roach. 

Father Roach had a penitent grim 
Coming, of late, to confession to him ; 



FATHER KOACH. 115 

He was rank in vice — ^he was steeped in crime. 
The reverend Father, in all his time, 
So dark a confession had never known 
As that now made to th^ Eternal Throne ; 
And when he ask'd was the catalogue o^er, 
The sinner replied — '^ Tve a thrifle more/^ 

'^ A trifle ? — what mean you, dark sinner, saj ? 
A trifle ? — Oh, think of yom' dying day ! 
A trifle more f — what more dare meet 
The terrible eye of the Judgment-seat 
Than all I have heard ? — The oath broken— the theft 
Of a poor maiden^s honor — 'twas all she had left ! 
Say what have you done that worse could be V 
He whispered, '^ Your brother was murdered by me/' 

' God !'' groaned the Priest, ^' but the trial is deep, 

My own brother's murder a secret to keep, 

And minister here to the mm'derer of mine — 

But not my will, Father, but tliine /'' 

Then the penitent said, '^ You will not betray f* 
" What, I ? — thy confessor ? Away, away !'' 
'^ Of penance, good Father, what cup shall I drink f 

Drink the dregs of thy life — ^live on, and think r 

The hypocrite penitent cunningly found 

This means of suppressing suspicion around. 

"Would the murderer of Frank e'er confess to his brother ? 

He, surely, was guiltless — ^it must be some other. 

And years roll'd on, and the only record 

'Twixt the murderer's hand and the eye of The Lord 

"Was that brother^by rule of his Church decreed 

To silent knowledge of guilty deed. 

Twenty or more of years passed away. 

And locks once raven were growing gray, 

And some, whom the Father once christen' d, now stood, 

In the ripen'd bloom of womanhood, 

And held at the font tlieir babies' brow 

For the holy sign and the sponsor's vow; 

And grandmothers smil'd by their wedded girls ; 

But the eyes once diamonds, the teeth once pearls. 



116 FATHER ROACH. 

The casket of beauty no longer grace ; 
Memory, fond memory alone, might trace 
Through the mist of years a dreamy light 
Gleaming afar from the gems once bright. 

Oh, Time ! how varied is thy sway 
'Twixt beauty^s growth and dim decay ! 
By fine degrees, beneath thy hand, 
Does latent loveliness expand ; 

The coral casket richer grows 

With its second pearly dow'r ; 
The brilliant eye still brighter glows 
With the maiden^s ripening hour : — 
So gifted are ye of Time, fair girls ; 

But Time, while his gift he deals, 
From the sunken socket the diamond steals, 
And takes back to his waves the pearls ! 
****** 

It was just at this time that a man, rather sallow, 
Whose cold eye bmn^d dim in his featm-es of tallow, 
Was seen, at a cross-way, to mark the approach 
Of the Mnd-hearted parish-priest, good Father Eoach. 
A deep salutation he rendered the Father, 
Who retum'd it but coldly, and seemed as he^d rather 
Avoid the same track ; — so he struck o'er a hill. 
But the sallow intruder ivould follow him still. 

'^ Father," said he, ^^ as Fm going your way, 

A word on the road to your Keverence Fd say. 

Of late so entirely Fve altered my plan, 

Indeed, holy sir, I'm a different man ; 

Fm thinking of wedding, and bettering my lot — " 

The Father replied, ^' You had better not." 
^' Indeed, reverend sir, my wild oats are aU sown." 
^* But perhaps," said the Priest, " they are not yet grown : — 

" At least they're not reap^d/^ — and his look became keener ; 
^^ And ask not a woman to be your gleaner — 

You have my advice !" The Priest strode on, 

And sUence ensued, as one by one 



FATHER ROACH. 117 

They passed through a deep defile, which woimd 
Through the lonely hills — and the solemn profound 
Of the silence was broken alone by the cranch 
Of their hurried tread on some withered branch. 

The sallow man followed the Priest so fast, 

That the setting sun their one shadow cast. 
" Why press/' said the Priest, " so close to me f' 

The follower answered convulsively, 

As, gasping and pale, through the hollow he hurried, 
" 'Tis here, close by, poor Frank is buried — ^^ 
'' What Frank f' said the Priest— '^JF/m?^ Frank T cried the 

other ; 
" Why, he whom I slew — ^your brother — ^your brother.^' 

" G-reat Grod V^ cried the Priest — ^' m thine own good time, 
Thou liftest the veil from the hidden crime. 
Within the confessional, dastard, the seal 
Was set on my lips, which might never reveal 
What there was spoken ; but now the sun. 
The daylight hears what thine arm hath done, 
And now, under heaven, my arm shall bring 
Thy felon neck to the hempen string !'' 

Pale was the murderer, and paler the Priest — 

Destiny ! — ^rich was indeed thy feast 

In that awfol hour ! — The victim stood 

His own accuser ; — ^the Pastor good. 

Freed from the chain of silence, spoke ; 

!N"o more the confessionars terrible yoke 

Made him run, neck and neck, with a murderer in peace, 

Ajid the villain's life had run out its lease. 

The jail^ the trial, conviction came. 

And honor was given to the poor Priest's name, 

Who held, for years, the secret dread 

Of a murderer living — a brother dead. 

And still, by the rule of his Church compelled. 

The awful mystery in silence held, 

Till the mm'derer himself did the secret broach — 

A triumph to justice and Father Roach. 



118 PETEE MTTLROONEY AND THE BLACK FILLY. 

PETER MULROONEY AND THE 
BLACK FILLY. 

An Irish Recitation. 

Kitclien maids are so often bothered in their household 
duties by the gallantries of the men servants, that my wife 
had selected one fi'om the Congo race of negroes, ugly to 
look at, but good-tempered, and black as your hat. Phillis 
was her name, and a more faithful, devoted, and patient 
creature we never had around us. I have thus introduced 
her to my hearers, because she was a conspicuous personage 
in some of the droll incidents connected with my taking 
into service a queer specimen of a Patlander, by name 
Peter Mulrooney. 

Mulrooney apphed to me for a situation as groom, in the 
place of one I had just dismissed ; and on my inquiring if 
he could give me a reference as to his character and quali- 
fications, he mentioned the name of Mr. David Urban (a 
personal friend of mine), with whom he had lived. '^ An 
sure,^^ said he with enthusiasm, '^ there isn^t a dacenter 
jintleman in all Ameriky.^^ 

^^I am happy to hear him so well spoken of," said I, 
'^but if you were so much attached to him, why did you 
quit his service f^ 

''' Sorra one o' me knows," said he, a little evasively, as I 
thought. '^ Ayeh ! but 'twasn't his fault, anyhow." 

^^ I dare say not ; but what did you do after you left Mr. 
Urban?" 

^^ Och, bad luck to me, sir ! 'twas the foolishest thing in 
the world. I married a widdy, sir." 

^^ And became a householder, eh V 

^^Augh!" he exclaimed, with an expression of intense 
disgust, ^^the house wouldn't hould me long ; 'twas too hot 
for tha.t, I does be thinkin'." 

" Humph ! You found the widow too fond of having her 
own wa,y, I suppose ?" 



PETER MULROONEY AXD THE BLACK FILLY. 119 

•^ Thrue for yoU; sir ; an^ a mighty crooked way it was, 
that same, an^ that^s no he.'' 

^^ She managed to keep you straight^ I dare say." 

'^ Straight ! Och, by the powhers, Misther Stanley, ye 
may say that ! If Td swallowed a soger's ramrod, 'tisn't 
straighter Fd have been !'' 

^^ And the result was, that, not appro vmg the widow's 
discipline, you ran away and left her ?" 

^^ Sure sir, 'twas asier done nor that. Her first husband, 
betther luck to him, saved me the throuble." 

^^ Her first husband ! had she another husband hving ?" 

^^ Oh, yis, sir ; one Mike ConnoUy, a sayfarin' man who 
was reported dead ; but he came back one day, an' I re- 
sthored him his wife and childher. Oh, but 'twas a proud 
man I was, to be able to comfort poor Mike, by givin' him 
his lost wife — an' he so grateful, too ! Ah, sir, he had a 
ra'al Irish heart." 

Being favorably impressed with Peter's genutue good 
humor, I concluded to take htm at once into my service. 
Nor was I mistaken in his character, for he took excellent 
care of my horses, and kept everything snug around the 
stables. One day I thought I would test his usefuhiess in 
doctoring, so I sent for him to the house. 

'^ Peter," said I, ^^ do you think I could trust you to give 
the black fiUy a warm mash this evening f 

As he stared at me for a minute or two without replying, 
I repeated the question. 

'' Is it a mash, sir f" said he. ^^ Sure, an' I'd hke to be 
plasin' yer honor any way, an' that's no he." 

As he spoke, however, I fancied I saw a strange sort of 
puzzled expression flit across his face. 

^^Ibeg pardin, sir," continued he, ^^but 'tis bothered I 
am ) will I be afther givhi' her an ould counthry mash, or 
an Ameriky mash f " 

^^ I don't know if there is any difference between them," 
I answered, rather puzzled at what he was aiming, but 



120 PETER MULEOONEY AKD THE BLACK EILLY. 

I found afterwards that lie didn^t know what a mash 
was. 

"• Arrah, 'tis rasonable enough ye shouldn't/' said Peter, 
^^ considering that yer honor niver set fut in ould Ire- 
land." 

^^ Look here, Mukooney," said I, impatiently, ^^I want 
you to put about two double handful s afLbranJnto a pail 
of warm water, and, after stirring the mixture well, give it 
to the black filly. That is what we caU a bran mash in 
this coimtry. Now, do you perfectly understand me ?'- 

^^ Good luck to yer honor !'' replied Peter, looking much 
reheved ; for he had got the information he was fishing 
for. ^^ Good luck to yer honor ! what 'ud I be good for, if 
I didn't? sure, 'tis the ould counthry mash afther aU." 

^^ Perhaps so, but be sure you make no mistake." 

^^ Oh, niver fear, sir, I'll do it illegant ; but about the 
warm wather f 

^^ There's plenty to be had in the kitchen." 

'^ An' the naygur ? Will I say till her it's yer honor's 
orthers ?" inquired Peter, earnestly. 

^^ Certainly; she'll make no diificulty." 

^' Oh, begorra! 'tisn't a traneen I care for that ; but will 
I give her the fuU ov the bucket, sir ?" 

it- ^Twill do her no harm," said I, carelessly. With that 
Peter made his best bow and left my presence. 

It might have been some fifteen minutes after this that 
my wife, who was a little unwell that day, came into the 
sitting-room, saying, ^^ I wish you'd go into the kitchen, 
George, and see what's the difficulty between that Irish- 
man and Phillis ) I am afraid they are quarreling." 

At that moment we heard a crash and a suppressed 
shrieki I hurried from the room, and soon heard, as I 
passed through the hall, an increasing clamor in the 
kitchen beyond. First came the shrill voice of Phillis. 

^' You jess lebe me 'lone, now, will yer ? I won't hab 
nuffin to do wid de stuff, nairaway." 



PETER MULROONEY AND THE BLACK FILLY. 121 

^^ You Ugly an^ conthrary ould nayger, don't I tell ye 
'tis the masther's ordhers f " I heard Peter respond. 

^^ Tam't no sech tmg. Go way, you poor white Irish 
trash ! who ebber heard ob ^spectable colored woman a 
takin' a bran mash^ I'd like to know.'' 

The reahty of Peter's ridiculous blunder flashed upon 
me at once, and the ftm of the thing struck me so irre- 
sistibly, that I hesitated for a moment to break in 
upon it. 

'' Arrah, be aisy, can't ye ? an' be afther takin' it down 
like a dacent naygur/' I heard Peter say. 

^^Go way, you feller," screamed Philhs, ^^or I'll call 
missis, dat I will." 

'^ Och, be this an' be that !" says Peter, resolutely, ^^ if 
'tis about to frighten the beautiful misthress ye are, and 
she sick, too, at this same time, I'U. be afther puttin' a 
shtop to that." 

Immediately afterwards came a short scuffle, and then a 
stifled scream. Concluding that it was now time for me 
to interfere, I moved quickly on, and just as the scuffling 
gave way to smothered sobs and broken ejaculations, I 
flung open the door and looked in. The first thing that 
caught my eye was PhiUis seated in a chair, sputtering 
and gasping ; while Mulrooney, holding her head under 
his left arm, was employing his right hand in conveying 
a tin cup of bran mash from the bucket at his side to her 
upturned mouth. 

'' What in the name of all that is good are you doing 
now, Peter f " said I. 

"■ Sure, sir, what wud I do but give black Phillis the 
warm mash, accordin' to yer honor's ordhers ? Augh ! the 
haythen. Bad cess to her ! 'tis throuble enough I've had 
to make her rasona.ble and obadient, an' that's no lie — 
the stupid ould thafe of a nagur." 

The reader may imagine the finale to so rich a scene ] 
even my wife, sick as she was, caught the infection, and 



122 PHAIDEIG CROHOOEE. 

laughed heartily. As for Peter, the last I heard of hun 
that evening was his muttering, as he walked away — 

'' Ayeh ! why didn't ho tell me ? If they call naygurs 
filhes, and horses filhes, sure an' how the divii should I 
know the differ?'' 

Peter remained in my serAi.ce five years, during which 
period he treated Philhs with great deference. 



PHAIDRIG CROHOORE. 

A Favorite Irish Recitation. 

Oh ! Phaidr'g Crohoore was the broth of a boy, and he stood six 

feet eight ; 
And his arm was as round as another man's thigh — 'tis Phaidrig 

was great ; 
And his hair was as black as the shadows of night, 
And hung over the scars left by many a fight ; 

And his voice, like the thunder, was deep, strong and loud, 
And Ills eye hke the hghtnin' from under the cloud. 
And all the ghls liked him, for he could speak civil 
And sweet when he chose it, for he was the divil. 

An' there, wasn't a gh'l, from thirty-five under, 
Divil a matter how cross, but he could come round her. 
But of aU the sweet girls that smiled on him, but one 
Was the girl of his heart, an' he loved her alone. 

An' warm as the sun, as the rock firm and sm'e 
"Was the love of the heart of Phaidrig Crohoore ; 
An' he'd die for one smile from his Kathleen O^Brien, 
For his love, hke his hatred, was sthrong as a lion. 

But Michael O'Hanlon loved Kathleen as well 
As he hated Crohoore, an' that same was hke hell. 
But O'Brien liked him, for they were the same parties. 
The O'Briens, O'Hanlons, an' Murphys, and Carthys — 

An' they all went together an' hated Crohoore, 
For it's many's the batin' he gave them before : 



PHAIDRIG CEOHOOEE. 123 

An^ O'Hanlon made up to O'Brien, an^ says he — 
•^ m marry yom* daughter if you^ll give her to me." 

An^ the match was made up, an' Shrovetide came on, 
The company assimbled, three hundred if one — 
There was all the O'Hanlons and Mm-phys and Carthys 
An' the young boys an' girls av all o' them parties. 

An' the O'Briens, av coorse, gathered sthrong on that day, 
An' the pipers and fiddlers were tearin' away ; 
There was roarin', an' jumpin', an' jiggin/ an' flingin', 
An' jokin', an' blessin', an' kissin', an' singin'. 

An' they aU. were a-laughin' — why not, to be sure ? 
How O'Hanlon came inside of Phaidrig Crohoore ! 
An' they ail talked and laughed the length of the table, 
Aitin' an' drinkin' aU while they were able ; 

An with pipin', an' fiddlin', an' roarin' like thimder. 
Your head you'd think fairly was splittin asunder. 
And the priest call'd out — " Silence, ye blackguards, agin !" 
An' he tuk up his prayer-book^ just goin' to begin. 

Aud they aU held their tongue from their funnin' and bawHn' ; 
So silent you'd notice the smallest pin fallin' ; 
And the priest just beginnin' to read — when the door 
Sprung back to the wall, and in walked Crohoore. 

Oh ! Phaidrig Crohoore was the broth of a boy, an' he stood six 

feet eight, 
An' his arm was as round as another man's thigh — 'tis Phaidrig 

was great ! 
An' he walked slowly up, watched by many a bright eye, 
As a black cloud moves on through the stars of the sky. 

An' none strove to stop him, for Phaidrig was great, 
Tin he stood all alone, just opposite the sate 
"WTiere O'Hanlon and Kathleen, his beautiful bride, 
"Were sittin' so illigant out side by side. 

An' he gave her one look that her heart almost broke, 
An' he turned to O'Brien, her father, and spoke ; 
An' his voice, like the thunder, was deep, sthrong an' loud, 
An' his eyes shone like lightnin' from under the cloud : 



124 PHAIDRIG CROHOORE. 

'' I didn't come here like a tame crawlin' mouse, 
But I stand like a man in my inimy's house ; 
In the field, on the road, Phaidrig never knew fear 
Of his foeman, an^ God knows he scorns it here. 

So lave me at aise for three minutes or four 

To spake to the gui I'll never see more." 

An' to Kathleen he turned, and his voice changed its tone, 

For he thought of the days when he called her his own. 

An' his eyes blazed like lightnin' from under the cloud 

On his false-hearted girl, reproachful and proud. 

An' says he, ^^ Kathleen bawn, is it thrue what I hear. 

That you marry of yom* own free choice, without threat or fear ? 

If so, spake the word, and I'll turn and depart, 

Chated once, and once only, by woman's false heart." 

Oh ! sorrow and love made the poor girl dumb. 

An' she tried hard to spake, but the words wouldn't come ; 

For the sound of his voice, as he stood there foruint her, 
TVint could on her heart as the night wind in winther ; 
An' the tears in her blue eyes stood tremblin' to flow. 
An' pale was her cheek as the moonshine on snow. 

Then the heart of bould Phaidrig swelled high in its place, ^ 
For he knew, by one look in that beautiful face. 
That the strangers an' foemen their pledged hands might sever, 
Her true heart was his, and his only, forever ! 

An' he lifted his voice, like the eagle's hoarse call. 
An' says Phaidrig, ^' She's mine still, in spite of ye all !" 
Then up jumped O'Hanlon, an' a tall boy was he. 
An' he looked on bould Phaidrig as fierce as could be ; 

An' says he, ^' By the hokey, before ye go out, 
BouJd Phaidrig Crohoore, you must fight for a bout." 
Then Phaidrig made answer, " I'll do my endeavor ;" 
An' with one blow he stretched bould Hanlon forever. 

In his arms he took Kathleen an' stepped to the door. 
An' he leaped on his horse, and flung her before ; 
An' they all were so bothered that not a man stirred. 
Till the gallonin' hoofs on the pavement was hoard. 



DERMOT O^DOWD. 125 

Then up they all started, like bees in the swami; 
An' they riz a great shout, like the burst of a storm/ 
An' they roared, an' they ran, an' they shouted galore ; 
But Kathleen and Phaidrig they never saw more. 

But them days are gone by, an' he is now no more. 
An' the green grass is growin' o'er Phaidrig Crohoore ; 
For he couldn't be aisy or quiet at all ; 
As he lived a brave boy, he resolved so to fall. 

An' he took a good pike— for Phaidrig was great — 

An' he fought and he died in the year ninety-eight. 

An' the day that Crohoore iu the green field was killed, 

A sthrong boy was stretched, an' a sthrong heart was stilled. 



DERMOT O'DOWD. 

SAMUEL LOVEK. 

'WTien Dermot O'Bowd coorted Molly McCann, 

They were as sweet as the honey and as soft as the down, 
But when they were wed they began to find out 

That Dermot could storm, and that Molly could frown ; 
They would neither give in — so the neighbors gave out — 

Both were hot, till a coldness came over the two, 
And MoUy would flusther, and Dermot would blusther — 
Stamp holes in the flm-e, and cry out '^ Weirasthru! 
Oh, murther ! I'm married ! 
I wish I had tarried ; 
I'm sleepless and speechless — ^no word can I say ; 
My bed is no use — 
I'll give back to the goose 
The feathers I pluck'd on last Michaelmas Day." 

^ Ah," says Molly, ^^ you once used to call me a bird." 
'^ Faix, you're ready enough stiU to fly out," says he. 
' Ton said then my eyes were as bright as the skies. 
And my lips like the rose — now no longer like me." 
Says Dermot, ^^ Your eyes are as bright as the mom. 
But your frown is as black as a big thunder cloud ; 
If your lip is a rose, faith your tongue is a thorn 

That sticks in the heart of poor Dermot O'Dowd." 
Says Molly, ^^ Ton once said my voice was a thrush, 



126 PAT^S CRITICISM. 

But now it's a rusty old hinge with a creak/' 
Says Dermot, ^^ You called me a duck when I coorted, 

But now I^m a goose every day in the week ; 
But all husbands are geese, though our pride it may shock, 

From the first ^twas ordained so by IN'ature, I fear ; 
Ould Adam himself was the first of the flock, 

And Eve, with her apple sauce, cooked him, my dear.^' 



PAT'S CRITICISM. 

CHARLES F. ADAMS, 

There's a story that's old, 

But good if twice told. 
Of a doctor of limited skill, 

"Who cured beast and man 

On the '' cold water plan,'' 
'Without the small help of a pill. 

On his portal of pine 

Hung an elegant sign 
"Depicting a beautiful rill. 

And a lake, where a sprite, 

^ith apparent delight, 
"Was sporting in sweet dishabille, 

Pat McCarty one day. 

As he sauntered that way. 
Stood and gazed at that portal of pine, 

THien the doctor with pride 

Stepped up to his side, 
Saying: "Pat, how is that for a signf 
" There's wan thing,'' says Pat, 
"Te've lift onto' that, 
"Which, be jabers, is quoite a mistake; 

It's trim and it's nate. 

But to make it complate, 
Ye shud have a foine burd on the lake.'' 
'^Ah! Indeed! pray then tell. 

To make it look well, 
"What bird do you think it may lack f 

Says Pat, " Of the same 

I've forgotten the name. 
But the song that he sings is ' quack !' ' quack I' '' 



PAT AJ^B THE FOX. 127 

PAT AND THE FOX. 

SAMUEL LOVER. 

A Humorous Irish Recitation. 

^^ Paddy/' said the sqiiire, ^^ perhaps you would favor 
the gentlemen with that story you told me once about a 
foxf' 

^^ Indeed and I will, plaze yer honor/^ said Paddy, 
*• though I know flill well the divil a one word iv it you 
b'heve, nor the gintlemen won't either^ though you're axin' 
me for it— hut only want to laugh at me, and call me a big 
har when my back's turned." 

^^ Maybe we wouldn't wait for your back being turned, 
Paddy, to honor you with that title." 

^' Oh, indev^d, I'm not sayin' that you wouldn't do it as 
soon foreninst my face, your honor, as you often did before, 
and will agin, plaze God, and welkim." 

'' WeU, Paddy, say no more about that; but let's have 
the story." 

•^ Sure I'm losing no time, only teUing the gintlemen be- 
forehand that it's what they'U be cahiQ' it, a he — and in- 
deed it's ancommon, sure enough ; but you see, gintlemen, 
you must remimber that the fox is the cunnin'est baste in 
the world, barrin' the wran ^" 

Here Paddy was questioned why he considered the wren 
as cunning a Mste as the fox. 

^^ Why, sir, bekase all the birds build their nest wid one 
hole to it only, excep'n the wran; but the wran builds two 
holes to the nest, and so that if any inimy comes to disturb 
it upon one door it can go out an the other. But the fox 
is cute to that degree that there's many mortial a fool to 
him — and, by dad, the fox could buy and seU many a Chris- 
tian, as you'U soon see by and by, when I tell you what 
happened to a wood-ranger that I knew wanst, and a 
dacent man he was, and wouldn't say the thing in a lie. 

^^ Well; you see, he came home one night mighty tired-- 



128 PAT AND THE FOX. 

for he was out wid a party in the domain cock-shootin' that 
day ; and whin he got back to his lodge he threw a few 
logs o' wood an the fire to make himself comfortable, and 
he tuk whatever httle matther he had for his supper — and 
afther that he felt himself so tired that he wint to bed. 
But you^re to imderstand that, though he wint to bed, it 
was more for to rest himself like, than to sleep, for it was 
airly ; and so he jist wint into bed, and there he divartcd 
himself lookin^ at the fire, that was blazin^ as merry as a 
bonfire an the hearth. 

^^ Well, as he was lyin' that-a-way, jist thinkin^ o' nothin' 
at all, what should come into the place but a fox. But I 
must tell you, what I forgot to tell you before, that the 
ranger^s house was on the bordhers o^ the wood, and he had 
no one to five wid him but himself, barrin' the dogs that 
he had the care iv, that was his only companions, and he 
had a hole cut an the door, with a swingin^ boord to it, 
that the dogs might go in or out according as it plazed thim ; 
and, by dad, the fox came in as I told you, through the 
hole ui the door, as bould as a ram, and walked over to the 
fire, and sat down foreninst it. 

^^ Now it was mighty provokin' that all the dogs was out ; 
they wor rovin^ about the wood, you see, lookin^ for to 
catch rabbits to ate, or some other mischief, and so it hap- 
pened that there wasn't as much as one individual dog in 
the place ; and, by gor, I'll go bail the fox knew that right 
well before he put his nose inside the ranger's lodge. 

^^ Well, the ranger was in hopes some o' the dogs id come 
home and ketch the chap, and he was loath to stir hand or 
fat himself, afeared o' frightenin' away the fox, but by gor, 
he could hardly keep his timper at all at all, whin he seen 
the fox take his pipe aff o' the hob where he left it afore he 
wint to bed^ and puttin' the bowl o' the pipe into the fire 
to kindle it (it's as thrue as I'm here), he began to smoke 
foreninst the fire, as nath'ral as any other man you ever seen. 

^^^Musha; bad luck to your impidence, you long- tailed 



PAT A^T> THE FOX. 129 

blackguard/ says the ranger, ^and is it smokin^ my pipe 
yoii are f Oh, thin, by this and by that, iv I had my gmi 
convaynient to me, it's fire and smoke of another sort, and 
what you wouldn't bargain for, Pd give you,' says he. But 
still he was loath to stir, hopin' the dogs id come home ; 
and ^ By gor, my fine fellow,' says he to the fox, ' if one o' 
the dogs comes home, saltpethre wouldn't save you, and 
that's a sthrong pickle.' 

^^So with that he watched antil the fox wasn't mindin' 
him, but was busy shakin' the cindhers out o' the pipe 
whin he was done md it, and so the ranger thought he 
was goin' to go immediately afther gettin' an air o' the fire 
and a shough o' the pipe ; and so, says he, ^ Faix, my lad, 
I won't let you go so aisy as all that, as cunnin' as you 
think yourself; ' and with that he made a dart out o' bed, 
and run over to the door, and got betune it and the fox, 
^And novv,' says he, ^ your bread's baked, my buck, and 
maybe my lord won't have a fine run out o' you, and the 
dogs at your brish every yard, you morodin' thief, and the 
divil mind you/ says he, ^ for your impidence — for sure, if 
you hadn't the impidence of a highwayman's horse it's not 
into my very house, undher my nose, you'd daar for to 
come : ' and with that he began to whistle for the dogs ; 
and the fox, that stood oyein' him all the time while he was 
spakin', began to think it was time to be joggin' whin ho 
heard the whistle — and says the fox to himself, ' Troth, 
indeed, you think yourself a mighty great ranger now/ 
says he, ^ and you think you're very cute, but upon my 
tail, and that's a big oath, I'd be long sorry to let such a 
mallet-headed bog-throtter as yourself take a dirty ad- 
vantage o' me, and I'll engage,' says the fox, ' I'll make 
you lave the door soon and suddint,' — and with that he 
turned to where the ranger's brogues was lyin' hard by be- 
side the fire, and, what would you think, but the fox tuk 
up one o' the brogues, and wint over to the fire, and threw 
it into it. 



130 PAT A^TD THE FOX. 

^' ' I think thatll make you start/ says the fox. 

" ^Divil resave the start/ says the ranger — ^ that won^t 
do, my buck/ says he, ^ the brogue may burn to cmdhers/ 
sa^yshe, ^but out o^ this I won^t stir^' and thin, puttin^ 
his fingers into his mouth, he gev a blast iv a whistle you^d 
hear a mile off, and shouted for the dogs. 

^^'So that won^t do,^ says the fox — ^well, I mustthry 
another offer,' says he, and with that he tuk up the other 
brogue, and threw it into the fire too. 

^^ ^ There, now,' says he, ^ you may keep the other com- 
pany,' says he ; ^ and there's a pair o' you now, as the 
divil said to his knee-buckles.' 

^^ ^ Oh, you thievin' varment,' says the ranger, ^ you won't 
lave me a tack to my feet ; but no matter,' says he, ^ your 
head's worth more nor a pair o' brogues to me any day, 
and by the Piper of Blessintown, you're money in my 
pocket this minit,' says he : and with that, the fingers was 
in his mouth agin, and he was goin' to whistle, whin, what 
would you think, but up sets the fox an his hunkers, and 
puts his two forepaws into his mouth, makin' game o' the 
ranger — (bad luck to the he I tell you.) 

^^ Well, the ranger, and no wondher, although in a rage 
as he was, couldn't help laughin' at the thought o' the fox 
mockin' him, and, by dad, he tuk sitch a fit o' laughin' that 
he couldn't whistle — and that was the cuteness o' the fox 
to gain time ; but whin his first laugh was over, the ranger 
recovered himself, and gev another whistle ; and so says 
the fox, 'By my sowl,' says he, 'I think it wouldn't be 
good for my health to stay here much longer, and I mustn't 
be triflin' with that blackguard ranger any more,' says he, 
' and I must make him sensible that it is time to let me go, 
and though he hasn't understandin' to be sorry for his 
brogues, I'll go bail I'll make him lave that,' says he, 
'before he'd say 5^ara&?e5'— and with that what do you 
think the fox done ? By all that's good — and the ranger 
himself told me out iv his own mouth, and said he would 



MICKEY FEEE AND THE PRIEST. 131 

never have believed it, ownly lie seen it — the fox tuk a 
lighted piece iv a log out o' the blazin^ fire, and run over 
wid it to the ranger^s bed, and was goin^ to throw it into the 
sthraw, and burn him out of house and home ; so when the 
ranger seen that he gev a shout out iv him — 

^^ ^ Hillo ! hillo ! you murtherin^ villain/ says he, ^ you^ro 
worse nor Captain Eock ; is it goin^ to bum me out you 
are, you red rogue iv a Eibbonman f and he made a dart 
betune him and the bed, to save the house from bein' 
burnt, — ^but, my jew'l, that was all the fox wanted — and as 
soon as the ranger quitted the hole in the door that he was 
standin' foreninst, the fox let go the blazin' faggit, and 
made one jump through the door and escaped. 

^^ But before he wint, the ranger gev me his oath that 
the fox turned round and gev him the most contemptible 
look he ever got in his life, and showed every tooth in his 
head with laughin^, and at last he put out his tongue at 
him, as much as to say — ^ YouVe missed me like your 
mammy^s blessiny and off wid him, like a flash o' hghtnin^" 



MICKEY FREE AND THE PRIEST. 

CHARLES LEVER. 

A Laughable Irish Recitation. 

Mickey Free was a devout Cathohc, in the same sense 
that he was enthusiastic about anything, that is, he be- 
lieved and obeyed exactly as far as suited his own pecu- 
liar notions of comfort and happmess; beyond tJiat^i^ 
skepticism stepped in and saved him from inconvenience, 
and though he might have been somewhat puzzled to re- 
duce his faith to a rubric, still it answered his purpose, 
and that was all he wanted. * * * * * 

^^Ah, then, Misther Charles,'^ said he, with a half-sup- 
pressed yawn at the long period of probation his tongue 
had been undergoing in silence, '^ ah, then, but ye were 
mighty near it.'^ 



132 MICKEY FREE A^D THE PRIEST. 

'' Near what V said I. 

^^ Faith, then, myself doesn't well know; some say it's 
pm^gathory; bat it's hard to tell." 

^^ I thought you were too good a Catholic, Mickey, to 
show any doubts on the matter ?" 

^^ Maybe I am — maybe I ain't," was the cautious reply. 

^^ Wouldn't Father Eoach explain any of your difficul- 
ties for you, if you went over to him f " 

^^ Faix it's httle I'd mind his explainings." 

*^And why notf 

^^ Easy enough. If you ax ould Miles there without, 
what does he be doing with all the powther and shot, 
wouldn't he teU you he's shooting the rooks, and the mag- 
pies, and some other varmint ? but myself knows he sells 
it to Widow Casey at two and fourpence a pound ; so be- 
hkes Father Eoach may be shooting away at the poor 
souls in purgathory, that all this time are enjoying the 
hoith of foin living in heaven, ye understand." 

^' And you think that's the way of it, Mickey ?" 

^^ Troth, it's likely. Anyhow, I know it's not the place 
they make it out." 

^' Why, how do you mean ?" 

^^ Well, then, I'll tell you, Misther Charles ; but you must 
not be saving anything about it afther, for I don't like to 
talk about these kind of things." 

Having pledged myself to the requisite silence and 
secrecy, Mickey began : 

^^ Maybe you heard teU of the way my father — rest his 
soul wherever he is — came to his end. WeU, I needn't 
mind particulars, but, in short, he was murdered in Bal- 
hnasloe one night, when he was batiu' the whole town 
with a blackthorn stick he had, more betoken, a piece of 
a scythe was stack at the end of it; a nate weapon, and 
one he was mighty partial to ; but these murdering thieves, 
the cattle dealers, that never cared for diversion of any 
kiud, fell on him and broke his skuU. 



MICKEY FREE AND THE PRIEST. 133 



1^^ Well, we had a very agreeable wake, and plenty of 
he best of everything, and to spare, and I thought it was 
all over ; but somehow, though I paid father Eoach fifteen 
shillings, and made him mighty drunk, he always gave me 
a black look wherever I met him, ana when I took off my 
hat he'd turn away his head displeased like. 

^^ ^Murder and ages,^ said I, ^what^s this forf but as 
Vve a hght heart I bore up, and didn't think more about 
it. One day, however, I was coming home from Athlone 
market, by myself on the road, when Father Eoach over- 
took me. ^ Devil a one o' me ^11 take any notice of you 
now,' says I, ^ and we'll see what '11 come out of it.' So the 
priest rid up, and looked me straight in the face. 

^^ ^Mickey,' says he^ ^ Mickey.' 

^^ ^Father,' says I. 

^^ ^Is it that way you salute your clargy,' says he, ^ with 
your caubeen on your head V 

'' ^Faix,' says I, ^ it's httle ye mind whether it's an or aff, 
for you never take the trouble to say by your leave, or 
divil take ye, or any other pohteness, when we meet.' 

^^ ^You're an ungrateful creature,' says he, ^ and if you 
only knew, you'd be trembling in your skin before me this 
minute.' 

^^ ' Devil a tremble,' says I, ^ after walking six miles this 
way.' 

^^ ^You're an obstinate, hard-hearted sinner,' says he, 
' and it's no use in telling you.' 

^^ ^Telling me what!' says I, for I was getting curious 
to make out what he meant. 

^^ ^Mickey,' says he, changing his voice, and putting his 
head down close to me, ' Mickey, I saw your father last 
night.' 

^^ ^The saints be merciful to us,' said I, ^ did ye f 

^^ a did,' said he. 

^^ ^Tear-an-ages,' says I, ^ did he tell you what he did 
with the new corduroys he bought in the fair f 



134 MICKEY FREE AND THE PRIEST. 

'^ ^ Oh, then, you are a eould-hearted creature,' says he, 
^ and I'll not lose time with you.' With that he was going 
to ride away, when I took hold of the bridle. 

'' ^Father, darhng,' says I, ^ God pardon me, but them 
breeches is goin' between me an' my night's rest ; but teU 
me about my father.' 

'' ^Oh, then, he's in a melancholy state.' 

'^ ^Whereabouts is hef says I. 

^^*In purgathory,' says he; ^but he won't be there 
long.' 

^' 'Well,' says I, Hhat's a comfort anyhow.' 

'^ 'I am glad you think so,' says he; 'but there's more 
of the other opinion.' 

'' 'What's ^/^a^f says I. 

" ' That hell's worse.' 

" 'Oh! meila-murther,' says I, 'is that it!' 

'"Ay, that's it.' 

" WeU, I was so terrified and frightened I said nothing 
for some time, but trotted along beside the priest's horse. 

" 'Father,' says I, 'how long will it be before they send 
him where you know f 

" ' It wiU not be long now,' says he, ' for they're tired 
entirely with him ; they've no peace night nor day,' says 
he. ' Mickey, your father is a mighty hard man.' 

" ' True for you, Father Eoach,' says I to myself. ' If he 
had only the ould stick with the scythe in it, I wish them 
joy of his company.' 

" 'Mickey,' says he, 'I see you're grieved, and I don't 
wonder ; sure, it's a great disgrace to a decent family.' 

" 'Troth it is,' says I, ' but my father always liked low 
company. Could nothing be done for him now. Father 
Koach V says I, looking up in the priest's face. 

"'I'm greatly afraid, Mickey; he was a bad man, a 
very bad man.' 

" 'And ye think he'll go there V says I. 

" 'Indeed, Mickey, I have my fears.' 



MICKEY FUEE AET> THE PRIEST. 135 

^^ ^Upon my conscience/ says I, ^I believe you^re right; ^ 
he was always a restless crayture.^ 

^^ ^But it doesn^t depind on him/ says the priest; crossly. 

^^ ^ And then; who then f says I. 

^^ ^Upon yourself; Mickey FreC;' says he ; ^ God pardon 
you for it too.^ 

^^^Uponme?^ says I. 

^^ ^ Troth no lesS;' says he; ^ how many masses was said 
for your father^s soul? — how many aves? — ^how many 
paters ? — answer me.^ 

^^ ^ Devil a one of me knows ! — ^mayhe twenty.^ 

^^ ^Twenty; twenty — no, nor one.^ 

^^^And why not?' says I; ^ what for wouldn^t you be 
helping a poor crayture out of trouble; when it wouldn't 
cost you more nor a handful of prayers V 

" ^Mickey; I seC;' says he in a solemn tonC; ^ you're worse 
nor a haythen ; but ye couldn't be other — ye never come 
to yer duties.' 

^^^Well; Father;' says I, looking very penitent; 'how 
many masses would get him out V 

'^ 'Now you talk hke a sensible man/ says he; 'noW; 
Mickey, I've hopes for you — let me see ' — here he went 
countin' up his fingerS; and numberin' to himself for five 
minutes — ' Mickey;' says he, ' I've a batch coming out on 
Tuesday week, and if you were to make great exertions 
perhaps your father could come with them ; that is av they 
made no objections.' 

'' 'And what for would they?' says I ; ' he was always 
the hoith of company, and av singing's allowed in them 
parts — ' 

"'God forgive yoU; Mickey; but yer in a benighted 
state,' says hC; sighing. 

" 'Well;' says I; 'how'll we get him out on Tuesday 
week ? for that's bringing things to a focus.' 

" Two masses in the mornin'; fastin';' says Father 
Roach; half loud; ' is two, and two in the afternoon is four, 



136 MICKEY FREE AND THE PEIEST. 

and two at vespers is six/ says he ; ^ six masses a day for 
nine days is close by sixty masses — say sixty/ says lie, 
^ and they'll ecst you — ^mind, Micliey, and don't be telling 
it again — for it's only to yourself I'd make them so cheap 
— a matter of three pounds.' 

^^ ^ Three pounds/ says I^ ^ be-gorra ye might as well ax 
me to give you the rock of Cashel.' 

^^^I'm sorry for ye, Mickey/ says he, gatherin' up the 
reins to ride off, ' I'm sorry for you ; and the day will come 
when the neglect of your poor father will be a sore stroke 
agin yourself.' 

^^^Wait a bit, your reverence/ says I, ^wait a bit; 
would forty shillings get him out f 

^^ ^ Av coorse it wouldn't/ says he. 

^^ 'Maybe/ says I, coaxing, 'maybe, av you say that his 
son was a poor boy that lived by his industhry, and the 
times was bad f ' 

'' 'Not the least use,' says he. 

'"Arrah, but it^s hard-hearted they are/ thinks I; 
' wen, see now, I'll give you the money — but I can't afford 
it all at on'st — but I'll pay you five shillings a week — will 
that do V 

" 'I'll do my endayvors,' says Father Roach ; ' and I'll 
speak to them to trate him peaceably in the meantime.' 

" Long life to your reverence, and do. Well, here now, 
here's five hogs to begin with ; and, musha, but I never 
thought I'd be spending my loose change that-a-way.' 

" Father Eoach put the six ttnpinnies in the pocket of 
his black leather breeches, said something in Latin, bid 
me good-morning, and rode off. 

^' Well^ to make my story short, I worked late and early 
to pay the five shillings a week, and I did do it for three 
weeks regular ; then I brought four and fourpence — then 
it came down to one and tenpence — then ninepence — and, 
at last, I had nothing at all to bring. 

" ^ Mickey Free/ says the priest, ' ye must stir yourself— 



MICKEY FREE AXD THE PRIEST. 137 

youi* father is mighty displeased at the way you've been 
doing of late ; and av ye kept yer word, he'd been near 
out by this time.' 

'' ' Troth/ says I, ' it's a very expensive place.' 

^^ ^ By coorse it is/ says he, ^ sui'e all the quality of the 
land's there. But, Mickey, my man, with a httle exertion 
your father's business is done. What are you jinglin' in 
your pocket there ? ' 

'' ^ It's ten shillings, your reverence, I have to buy seed 
potatoes.' 

^' ' Hand it here, my son. Isn't it better your father be 
enjoying himself in Paradise, than ye were to have all the 
potatoes in Ireland V 

^^ ' And how do you know,' says I, ^ he's so near out V 

^' ' How do I know — how do I know — is it ? didn't I see 
hun?' 

''■ ^ See him! tear-an-ages, was you down there again!' 
says I. 

^^ ^ I was,' says he, ^I was down there for three-quarters 
of an hour yesterday evening, getting out Luke Kennedy's 
mother — decent people the Kennedys — ^never spared ex- 
pense.' 

^^ ^ And ye seen my father f says I. 

^^ ^ I did,' says he ; ^ he had an ould flannel waistcoat on, 
and a pipe sticking out of the pocket av it.' 

^^ ^ That's him,' said I ; ^ had he a hairy cap V 

'^ ^ I didn't mind the cap,' says he, ^ but av coorse he 
wouldn't have it on his head in that place.' 

^^ ^ There's for you,' says I } ^ did he speak to you?' 

^^^He did,' says Father Eoach; ^he spoke very hard 
about the way he was treated down there, that they were 
always jibin' and jeerin' him about drinkj and fightin', 
and the courses he led up here, and that it was a queer 
thing, for the matter of ten shillings, he was to be kept 
there so long.' 

" ^ WeU,' says I, taking out the ten shillings and count- 



138 BIBDY^S TROUBLES. 

ing it with one hand, ^ we must do our best, anyhow — and 
ye think this will get him out surely V 

^^ ^ I know it will/ says he ; ^ for when Luke^s mother 
was leaving the place, yer father saw the door open ; he 
made a rush at it, and be-gorra, before it was shut he got 
his head and one shoulder outside av it^ so that ye see a 
trifle more ^ill do it.' 

^^^Faix, and yer reverence/ says I, ^you've lightened 
my heart this morning/ and I put the money back again 
into my pocket. 

ii ' Why, what do you mean V says he, growing very red, 
for he was angry. 

'^ ^ Just this,' says I, ^that Pve saved my money; for 
av Tt was my father you seen, and that he got his head 
and one shoulder outside the door, oh, then, by the pow- 
ers,' says I, ^ the devil a jail or jailer from hell to Connaught 
id hold him ; so. Father lloach, I wish you the top of the 
morning,' and I went away laughing ; and from that a? ' 
to this I never heard more of purgathory; and ye see, 
Misther Charles, I think I was right." 



BIDDY'S TROUBLES. 
''It's thru for me, Katy, that I never seed the like of 
this people afore. It's a sorry time I've been having since 
coming to this house, twelve months agone this week 
Thursday. Yer know, honey, that my fourth coosin, Ann 
Macarthy, recommended me to Mrs, Whaler, and told the 
lady that I knew about genteel housework and the likes ; 
while at the same time I had niver seed inter an American 
lady's kitchen. So she engaged me, and my heart was jist 
ready to burst wid grief for the story that Ann had told, 
for Mrs. Whaler was a swate-spoken lady, and never 
looked cross-like in her life ; that I knew by her smooth, 
kind face. Well, jist the first thing she told me to do, 



BIBDY^S TROUBLES. 139 

after I dressed the children, was to dress the ducks for 
dinner. I stood looking at the lady for a couple of min- 
utes^ before I could make out any meaning at all to her 
words. Thin I went searching after clothes lor the ducks; 
and such a time as I had, to be sure. High and low I 
went, till at last my mistress axed me for what I was look- 
ing ; and I told her the clothes for the ducks, to be sure. 
Och, how she scramed and laughed, till my face was as 
rid as the sun wid shame, and she showed me in her kind 
swate way what her meaning was. Thin she told me how 
to air the beds ; and it was a day for me, indade, when I 
could go up chamber alone and clare up the rooms. One 
day Mrs. Whaler said to me : 

^^ ^ Biddy, an^ ye may give the baby an airin^, if yees 
will.' 

'^ What should I do — and it's thru what I am saying this 
blessed minute — but go up -stairs wid the child, and shake 
1^ and then howld it out of the winder. Such a scraming 
and kicking as the baby gave— but I hild on the harder. 
Everybody thin in the strate looked up at me ; at last mis- 
thress came up to see what for was so much noise. 

^^ ^I am thrying to air the baby,' I said, ^but it kicks 
and scrames dridfally.' 

' ^^ There was company down below; and when Mrs. 
Whaler told them what I had been after doing, I thought 
they would scare the folks in the strate wid scraming. 

^^ And then I was told I must dO' up Mr. Whaler's sharts 
one day when my mistress was out shopping. She told 
me repea;feedly to do them up nice, for master was going 
away, so I takes the sharts and did them all up in some 
paper that I was after bringing from the ould country wid 
me, and tied some nice pink ribbon around the bundle. 

^^^ Where are the sharts, Biddy f axed Mrs. Whaler, 
when she comed home. 

^^ ^I have been doing them up in a quair nice way,' I 
said, bringing her the bundle. 



140 LOVE IN THE KITCHEN. 

^^ ^ Will you iver be done wid your graneness V she axed 
me with a loud scrame. 

^^ I can't for the life of me be tellin' what their talkin' 
manes. At home we caU the hkes of this fine work starch- 
ing; and a deal of it I have dpne, too. Och ! and may the 
blessed Vargin pity me, for I never'll be cured of my grane- 
ness !" 



LOVE IN THE KITCHEN. 

PKLKG ARKWRIGHT. 

'' Now, Mr. Malone, whin yer spakin' like that, 
It is aisy to see — Arrah, git out o' that ! 
Whin discoorsin' wid ladies politeness should tache 
That ye're not to use hands, sir, instid ov yer spaehe. 
Should the missus come down, sir, how would I appear 
"Wid me hair aU bewildhered f 

" Oh, Kitty, me dear, 
Yer pardon I ax, but yer mouth is so sweet. 
It's a betther acquaintance Vm seekuf wid it; 
An' I love you so fondly — begorra, it's thrue ! 
That I'm ahyays unaisy unless I'm wid you, 
An' thin I'm unaisy as bad as before, 
An' there's nothin'U aise me at all any more, 
Until yer betrothal I've got, and bedad, 
I'U not let ye go till yer promise I've had." 

'^ It is just hke yer impidence, Mr. Malone !" 

'^ Te can't caU it impidint, Kitty, ohone, 
Fur a man to be lovin' the likes of yerself : 
An' ye might marry worse, if I say it meself. 
Fur me heart is yer own an' me wages is good. 
An' I know of a brick cabin built out ov wood, 
To be had fur the askin' of Dennis McCue ; 
Fm* he's goin' to lave it, and thin it'll do, 
Wid some fixin' an' mendin' to keep out the air, 
An' a bit ov a boord to patch up here an' there. 
An' a thrifle ov mud to discourage the cracks — 
An' we'll make up in lovin' whatever it lacks ; 



LOYE E^ THE KITCHEl^. 141 

An' it's built on a rock, with a mighty fine view 

Ov the counthiy surroundin' that same avinew ; 

An' to be quite ginteel an extinsion we'U rig, 

Convaynient for keepin' an illegant pig ; 

An' thin we'll both prosper as nate as ye plaze, 

An' ye'U see me an' aldherman some o' those days ; 

And the childher will grow up with schoolin' an' sich, 

An' in politics thin they'll be sure to get rich — 

Oh, this is the land fur improvin' the race ! 

So, Kitty, mavourneen, turn round yer dear face, 

An' give us one kiss the betrothal to own." 

' The divil a bit ov it, Teddy Malone ! 
D'ye think I'd be lavin' a house ov brown stone 
Fm- the tumble-down shanty yer talkin' about, 
While I live like a lady, wid two evenin's out. 
An' a wardrobe I flatter meself is complete ? 
Sm*e ye couldn't tell missus from me on the sthreet. 
An' at home it's the same, fui* she's fond of her aise, 
An' ye couldn't say which ov us bosses the place ; 
An' it's like yer asshm*ance to ask me to lave. 
An' be the same token — ^now will ye behave ? 
Let go ov me hand, sir !" 

" But, Kitty, me dear, 
Te can't be intindin' to always live here, 
Wid niver a husband, but mopin' alone, 
An' niver a baby — " 

'' Whisht, Mr. Malone ! 
Yer very onmannerly." 

^* Divil a wan ! 
It's only the truth that I'm teliin', indade. 
That yer niver intindin' to die an' old maid." 

■ It's right ye are, Teddy, how could ye know this?" 
' Well, thin, will it plaze ye to give me the kiss ?" 

■ Get out wid yer blarney ! shure how can I tell 

But there might be another would suit me as weU f ' 

' Arrah, Kitty, me darlin', don't say that agin, 
If ve wouldn't be killin' the thruest of min 



142 DICK MACNAMARA^S MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURES. 

But if there's another ye like more than me, 
Then it's faithless ye are an' its goin' I'll be, 
An' I'll die broken-hearted fur lack ov the joy 
That I thought to be gainin'." 

'' Why, Teddy, me boy, 
Is it dyin' ynr talMn' ov ? What would I do — 
An onmarried widda in moumin' fur you ? 
An' ye wanted a kiss, sir ? Well, there, if you must — 
Oh, mm'dher, the man is devourin' me just ! 
Is it atin' me up ye'd be afther belike ? 
Well, it's not so onplaizin', ye may if ye like ; 
An' if any one's askin' about ye I'll own 
That a broth of a boy is me Teddy Malone." 



THE MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURES OF 
DICK MACNAMARA. 

W. H. MAXWELL. 

Adapted from "Hector O'Halloran." 

It was the summer after the great election — and that was 
in the year ninety-one — an^ a fine evening it was. At that 
time care was far from my heart, and I was taking a dance 
in the barn with Mary Eegan, my lady's maid, when out 
comes Sh Thomas's own man to say that I was wanted in 
the parlor. ^^ Run, bad luck to ye," says he, ^^ and I'll fin- 
ish the jig for ye ! Arrah, make haste, man ! Some etar- 
nal vlllin has shpt a paper under the gate, and the ould 
master's fit to be tied. I never saw him so mad since he 
was chased home fi^om Galway.'^ Away I goes, and when 
I got into the parlor, there I found Sir Thomas, God rest 
his soul ! Father Pat Butler, the parish priest, and the dri- 
ver, Izzy Blake. 

Sir Thomas was sittin' in the big armed chair he always 
sate in. He wasn't to say much the worse for licker ] but 
it was aisy to persave that he had been lookin' at some- 
body that was drinkin^ The priest, och ! what a head 
he had ! was cool as a cowcumber, and only Izzy's nose was 



DICK MACKAMARA^S MATRIMONIAL ADYEKTURES. 143 

a deeper purple than when he sate down, you wouldn^t 
know he had a drop m. It was quite plam the party were 
m trouble ; for, to smother grief, the ould master had slipped 
a second glass of poteen into his tumbler just as I came in. 

^^ Aisy, Sir Thomas ! — drink aisy V^ said the priest. ^^ The 
whisky^s kiUin' ye by inches !" 

^^ Arrah, balderdash ! Pat Butler, won^t you let me take 
the color of death off the water, man, and me threatened 
with the gout ? It's the law that's fairly murderin' me. 
Bad luck attend aU consarned with the same ! At the blast 
of the mail horn my heart bates like a bird ; for within the 
last two years I have got as many lattitats by post as would 
paper the drawin'-room. Shemus Ehua/' says he, turning 
to me, ^^ did ye see a black-lookin' thief about the place 
when ye were hunting the young setters on the moor f 

^^ Arrah, Sir Thomas, if I did, don't you think I would 
have been after askin' him what he was doin' there f^ 

^^ SibbyByrn saw him thrust these murthering papers 
under the gate, and then cut over the bog as if the divil 
was at his heels. WeU, small blame to him for runnin' — 
for, by aU that's beautiful, if I had gripped him, he would 
have gone back to the villain that employs him, hghter by 
both lugs. Sit down, Shemus. Izzy Blake, fill the boy a 
glass." And then he began, poor ould gentleman, askin' 
me about the dogs ; but before I could answer him he gave 
a sigh. ^^ Arrah," says he, ^^ what need I be talkin' about 
dogs, when, after November next, the divil a four-footed 
baste will be left upon KilLcrogher, good nor bad !" 

^^ Something must be done immediately," said the priest. 
^^ If they foreclose the mortgage and get a resaver on the 
estate, we're done for." 

^^ K we could only raise -Qyq thousand to pay that cursed 
claim, we might stave off the other things till some good 
luck would turn up," said the driver. 

Sir Thomas sighed. Troth, an enemy would have pitied 
him ! 



144 DICK MACNAMAEA^S MATEIMONIAL ADYEls^TUEiES. 

^^ Arrali/^ says I, ^^hould up, Sir Thomas — who knowg 
but Ave'll get to the sunny side of the hedge yet ? There^s 
Master Dick — and if he would only many an heiress — '' 

^* Bedad," says the ould gentleman, '^ Father Pat, there^a 
sense in that.^' 

The priest shook his head. 

^^ And why shouldn't he f^ says Sir Thomas. 

'^Because," returned the priest, ^Hie's never out of one 
scrape till he's into another. And then he's so captious, 
if he was in heaven — where the Lord send him in proper 
time, if possible ! — why, he would pick a quarrel with St. 
Peter.'' 

^^ It's all a flow of spirits," says the ould man. 

^^Ifs aflmv of spirits that causes it generally," says the 
priest; ^'but it's all your own fault. Sir Thomas, and I 
often tould ye so. Instead of lettin' him stick to his la]"nin', 
ye would have him brought up yom^ own way, ridin' three 
times a week to the Clonsallagh hounds, and shooting at 
chalked men on the barn door through the remainder." 

^' Arrah, be quiet," says the ould gentleman. ^^ Though 
he's my son — at least I ha^^e his mother's word for it — is 
there a nater horseman v/illun the Shannon'? Put Dick 
Macnamara on the pig- skin with anything dacent anunder 
him, and I'll back him over a sportin' country for all I'm 
worth in the world." 

^^ Ay," said the priest, in a side-whisper ; ^^ and if ye 
lost, the divil a much the winner would be the better." 

^^ He's six feet in his stockings — sound as a bell — he'U 
throw any man of his inches in the j)rovince, and dance 
ili^ pater-o-pee afterwards." 

^' Arrah," says the priest, ^^ if there's no way of payin' 
the mortgage but by dancin' the pater-o-pee, out we bun- 
dle in November." 

'^ And why shouldn't he marry an heiress f says the 
ould man. 

'^ First," says Father Butler, -^ because he has no luck ; 



DICK MACXAMAEA^S MATRIMOIiflAL ADYE:N'TUIIES. 145 

and second, because he has no larnin^ Wasn't I returnm^ 
from a sick-call only yesterday, and as God's goodness 
would have it, didn't I meet my Lady French's messenger 
with a note ? — ^ Who's that from f says I. ' Mr. Dick 
Macnamara,' says he. Well, I had a misdoubtin' about 
it, and so I opens the note — and — Mona'Sin-dkiaoul! — 
Lord forgive me for sayin' so ! — if he hadn't spelt ' compli- 
ments' with a K !" 

^^ And if he spelt it with two K's," says the ould gentle- 
man, ^^ will that hinder him marryin' a woman if she wants 
a husband ? I tell ye what, there's more sense in what 
Shemus Rhua says than any of ye seems to know. Wasn't 
the family as badly off when my grandfather — God rest 
his soul ! — ran away with Miss Kelly ?" 

^^ And where will you get a Miss Kelly nowadays ? It's 
not out of every bush you'll kick a lady, lame of a leg, and 
twenty thousand down upon the nail !" 

^^ What was she the worse for that ?" says Sir Thomas. 
^' Don't ye mind what my grandfather said to Lord Castle- 
town the week after. ^ Didn't I,' says my grandfather, 
' manage the matter weU, my lord V ^ Ye did in troth, 
Ulic — and ye made a grate hit of it, if ye'r amiable lady 
was only right upon the pins.' ^ WeU, my lord,' says he — 
^ what the divil matter if she is a wee bit lame ? Does 
your lordship suppose that men marry wives to run races 
with them f" 

Well, there's no use makin' a long story about it. At 
Killcrogher things couldn't be worse than they were ; and 
when we had finished a second bottle of poteen, we aU 
agreed that the divil a chance, good, bad or indifferent, 
was left but for Dick Macnamara to marry a wife with a 
fortune— and with or without a spavin— just as the Lord 
would direct it. 

This was all mighty well, but where was the lady to be 
found ? Of heiresses there was no scarcity in Galway, if 
their own story was but true ; but then their fortunes 



146 DICK MACKAMAEA^S MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURES. 

were so well secured, that natlier principal nor interest 
could be got at. 

'^England^s the place/' says the ould master. ^^Dick 
would get twenty thousand for the askin^" 

^^ And how is he to go there f' says the priest. ^^ He 
must travel hke a gentleman, or they wouldn't touch him 
with a tent-pole— and whereas the money for that V^ 

^' Let Izzy drive the tenants." 

^^ Arrah, Sir Thomas ! it^s aisy talkin- — the divil a pound 
I could drive out of them to save your hfe. Mona-sin- 
dhiaoul ! ye might as well expect blood from a turnip, or 
to borrow knee-buckles off a Hielanman." 

Well, we were fairly nonplushed for a time, but we got 
matters right afterwards. The ould ladies, the master^s 
sisters, had a trifle by them, if anybody could manage to 
get at it. Wellj the priest put it to them, for the glory of 
God, and Sir Thomas for the honor of the family. They 
came down at last, and, between them, for a hundred. 
Sir Thomas lent us his own pistols, and Izzy Blake passed 
his word in Galway for the clothes. 

On the strength of Izzy we taught book-keeping to a 
tailor. His name, I mind, was Jerry Eiley — and I fancy 
we're in his ledger to this day. 

I'll never forget the mornin^ we started. We set out at 
six o'clock, as we had to ride to Moylough to catch the 
Tuam mail. Every soul in Killcrogher was astir, and 
waitin^ at door or windy to see us off-— some givin' their 
blessin^, and others their good advice. 

^^ Mind yer eye, Dick !'' said the ould gentleman from 
the parlor. 

'' Don't take anything but what^s ready," cried the priest 
from the hall door. 

^^ Remember, you're of the Coolavins by the mothers 
side," called my lady from her bedroom ; ^^ so look to blood 
as weU as suet, Dick.'^ 

''' The money — the money," cried the priest. 



DICK MACNAMARA^S MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURES. 147 

^^ Dick, dear, ye^re on book- oath to me !'' whispered 
Mary Eegan, as we passed her. 

^^ Don^t be quarreling about trifles/^ said the priest. 

^^Nor let anybody tramp upon your corn, for all that," 
cried Sir Thomas. 

'^ The money — the money, Dick — and that's the last 
words of yer clargy," roared the priest. 

^^ Don't miss mass, if you can," screamed the ould ladies 
from the lobby. 

^^ Nor the money !" and father Butler signed his blessing 
after us as we rode away. 

'^ Stop ! stop !" roared the ould master. ^' Another word, 
and God keep ye, Dick ! Always fight with ye'r back to the 
sun. Drink slow — don't mix ye'r hcker , nor sit with ye'r back 
to the fire — and the divil won't put ye under the table !" 

These were the last words we heard — the gatekeeper's 
wife flung an ould shoe after us for luck — and away we 
went to make our fortune. 

When we reached Moylough, the coach was standin' be- 
fore the door of the hotel, for the passengers had gone in 
to breakfast, and by the time we had take'n the dust out 
of our throats with a thYow at the counter, the company 
had come out again. Two or three of them roofed it hke 
myself, and one lady, with blue feathers and a yaha 
pehsse, stepped inside. She was a clipper ! and there was 
enough of her into the bargain. As Master Dick traveled 
like a raal gentlema'n, of coorse he hopped in too. 

Well, when we stopped to change horses, Dick and the 
lady were thick as uikle-wavers. ^^Shemus," says he, 
^' bring out a glass of sherry, and a drop of water in the 
bottom of a tumbler, with a sketch of sperits through it." 
They drank genteelly to each other, and away we rowled 
agatti. Indeed, at every stop the same order was repeated. 
The lady was comin' from the say, and that made her dry, I 
Buppose, and from the time he was a boy, Dick Macna- 
mara had an unquenchable thirst upon him. 



148 DICK m:ac:n^amaiia^s matrimonial adventures. 

We reached Athlone in the evening, and stopped at the 
Eed Lion. Dick handed out the lady with the yalla pe- 
hsse, and ye would have thought they would have shaken 
each other^s hands off. Well, a maid-sarvant took her 
bandbox — Dick gave her the arm — away they flourished 
together — and I stayed at the inn door to see the luggage 
safe off the coach. 

Before long the young master retiurned. 

^^ Shemus/' says he, shuttin^ the door behind him, ^^isn^t 
Miss Callaghan a spanker f ^ 

''' Ton my soul, she's a chver girl, with fine action," 
says I. 

^^ Bad luck to ye!" said he, '^ ye talk of her as ye would 
of a horse. But, Shemus, I thought as we were all 
alone, I would try if I could put my comether over her by 
the way of practice. Och ! if she was only an heiress ! 
When I kissed her at partin' in the hall, she tould me she 
could follow me over the world." 

Well, afther we had supper, Master Dick sends for me to 
come np-stairs ; and as it was too soon to go to bed, down 
we sate over a hot tumbler to settle what was to be done 
when we got to London. Ye see, we knew that in En- 
gland there were heiresses galore — but the thing was, how 
the divil were we to find them "? 

Well, after we had been talkin^ half an hour, in comes 
the waiter. '^Is there one Mister Macnamara here?" 
says he. 

^^ That's me," Dick answers. 

^^ Mister Callaghan's after askin^ for ye," says he. 

^^ Parade him," says Dick. 

So in steps an ould gentleman, clane shaved enough, 
but about the clothes he had rather a shuck appearance. 
]3e bows, and Dick bows — and down sits the ould gentle- 
man, an^ draws over a tumbler. 

^^ Ye had a pleasant journey of it. Mister Macnamara," 
says he, commencing the conversation. ^^My daughter 



DICK MACNAMAEA'S MATRIMOKLAL ADYEl^TURES. 149 

says that ye^re the best of company. In troth she speaks 
large of ye.^' 

With that they drinks one another^s health — an^ from 
one thing they comes on to another. I had pulled my chair 
away to the corner, ye see, but Dick winked to me as 
much as to say, ^^ Shemus, stay where ye are." 

^^An^ so you^re goin' to better yourself with a wife?" 
says the ould fellow. 

^' There^s no denyin^ it," says Dick. 

^^Well, 'pon my conscience, it's the best thing ivir a 
young man did, for it keeps him out of harm's way. An' 
are ye for soon changin' ye'r state?" 

^^ Divil a use tellin' hes among friends," says Dick. 
"' The sooner the better." 

^^ Faith — an' it has come rather sudden upon Sophy," 
says Mister Callaghan. ^^But God's will be done! Her 
brother will be home in an hour. I wish there was only 
time to send for her mother to Roscrea." 

^' What's wanted with her mother f " says Dick. 

^^Nothin' partikler," says Mr. Callaghan, '^ only the ould 
lady would hke to see her httle girl married." 

^' An' when is she to be married ?" inquired Dick. 

"' Why, as there seems to be a hurry," rephes the ould 
fellow, '' it may as well be done ' out of the face.' " 

*^ An' if it wouldn't be an impertinent question," says 
Dick, '^ arrah ! who's to be the happy man f' 

'^ An' are ye jokin'f says ould Callaghan. ^^ Arrah, who 
should it be but yourself I" 

^^ Myself I" says Dick. ^^ Shemus," says he — ^' the divil 
an appearance of licker's on the ould man ; what does he 
mane at all f 

^^Of coorse," says I, ^^that ye're goin' to marry his 
daughter." 

^^ Exactly," cried ould Callaghan. 

*' If she's not married till she marries me, she'U be single 
for a month of Sundays," says Dick. 



150 DICK MACNAMAHA'S MATRIMONIAL ADVENTITRES. 

Up jumps tlie ould fellow in a rage— and up jumps Dick 
Macnamara— and then such fendin' and provin' and such 
racketing through the room— till out rushed Mister Calla- 
ghan, swarin^ he would he revenged hefore he slept. 

When he slammed to the door, I turns round to Dick, 
to ask what it was all about. 

^^ Arrah, the divil have them that knows," says he ; ^^ I 
just coorted a httle hit with the girl as we were alone in 
the coach, by the way of bringin^ my han' in before we got 
to England." 

^^ Be my soul," says I, ^^ yeVe made a nate kettle of fish 
of it !— Arrah, Dick, avourneeine — aren't ye in the centre 
of a hobble— coortin^s one thing, and marryin^s another. 
Wouldn^t the priest be proud of ye to go back with Miss 
Calkxghan under yer arm? — and with about as much 
money as would pay tm-npike for a walking stick." 

Feaks, things looked but quare the more we considered 
them ; so we thought we would order a chaise, push on to 
Moate, and lave Sophy Cahaghan to her own amiable 
lamily, as she was too valuable for us. But, as matters 
turned up, we wer^n^t allowed to set off as aisy as we in- 
tended. Before the clfaise could come round, we heard 
feet upon the stairs, and the door opens, and in comes five 
as loose lookhi^ lads as ye would meet in a day^s walk. 
They were all fresh as if they had been hard at the drink- 
in^ — and they were bent on mischief — for the second 
fellow had a twist in the eye, and a pistol-case under his 
arm. 

*^ Mister Macnamara," says the first, ^^my name^s Calla- 
ghan. There^s no use for any rigmarole, as the light^s 
goin' fast, so I just stepped in to ask you consarnin' your 
intentions towards my sister Sophy." 

^^The divil an intention have I, good or bad, about ye^r 
sister Sophy," replied Dick, as stifl' as a churchwarden. 

^' Then ye can be at no loss to guess the consequence f' 

^' Feaks, an^ I am," says Dick; '^ as I'm no conjurer." 



DICK mac:n^amara's matrimonial advei^ttitres. 151 

"• If ye don't marry her within an hour/' says he^ ^^ Til be 
after sayin' something disagreeable.'^ 

'^ru not keep ye in suspense half the time/' rephed 
Dick. 

^^ Then ye'll marry her ?'' says he. 

^^ You were nivir more astray/' rephed Dick, '' since ye 
were born." 

^' Then I'U trouble ye for satisfaction," says he. 

^^ With aU my heart," says Dick. 

^^ What time in the mornin'," said the other, ^^ would fit 
ye'r convanience ?" 

^' We're tather in a hurry," says Dick, pointin' to the 
post-chay that had come round, and on which the hostler 
was tyin' the traps ) ^^ to-night would be a great accommo- 
dation, if it was the same to you.'* 

'* Ye can't do better," says one of the others, ^^ than step 
up to the ball-room. There's good hght still, and the 
room's long enough,'^ 

Be gogstay ! Dlc.k Macnamara closed with the offer hke 
a man. I was sent for the pistols, and the gentlemen 
called for a bottle of sherry. You see, in case of accident, 
it would come well before a jury that they drank each 
other's healths, and fought in perfect friendship, for that 
would benefit the survivor. 

They slipped into the baU-room, and everybody thought 
the thing was settled, they were so quiet and civil with 
each other as they went up-stahs. The pistols were 
charged — ^^ An' now," says Callaghan, ^^for the last time, 
I ask ye, will ye have m*y sister Sophy f " 

^^ Arrah, don't lose the hght in talkin' — ye have my an- 
swer already," says Dick Macnamara. 

WeU, they were placed in the corners of the room, and 
a man with a red nose asked ^^ if they were ready !'^ both 
said ^^ Yes !" ^* Fire !'^ says he. Slap off went both pis- 
tols like the clapping of a hand,, and do^n dropped Mr. 
Callaghan vrith a baU clane into his calf. WeU, everybody 



152 TEDDY O^TOOLE^S SIX BULLS. 

ran to lift him, when suddenly the cry of murder was raised 
from the other end of the room, and out dashed a man in a 
shirt and scarlet night-cap, and a fat woman close at his 
heels, just as they had tumbled out of bed. 

^^ Oh, Holy Moses !" says he. ^^ Save om^ lives ! Mur- 
der ! Murder !" 

'^ What^s wrong with ye, honest man?^^ says I. 

^^ Give us time for repentince !^' says she, droppin^ on her 
knees. '^ We^re dalers in soft goods, and obliged to tell 
lies in the way of bisnis." 

'^ For shame," says I, ^^ for a dacent young woman to 
come before company in that way ! Arrah, put the petti- 
coat on ye at least." Troth, it was no wonder the cratures 
were scared. Ye see, there was a closet off the ball-room, 
divided with a wooden partition ; and as the house was 
full, and the travelers tired, they stuck them into it for 
the night. Divil a one of us, in the hurry, thought of 
lookin' in ; and when the man woke with the noise, and 
sate up to listen what the matter was, the fellow with the 
red nose cried ^^ Fire !'^ and Callaghan's ball pops through 
the partition, and whips the tassel off the daler^s night- 
cap. 

Well, for fear of any fresh shindy, I got the luggage tied 
upon the shay. Dick shook hands with Callaghan, and 
sent his compliments to his sister Sophy, and away we 
drove to Moate ; and the next evening got safe to Dublin. 



TEDDY O'TOOLE'S SIX BULLS. 

A merry evening party in an English country town 
were bantering poor Teddy O^Toole, the Irishman, about 
his countrymen being so famous for bulls. 

*^By my faith," said Teddy, ^^you needn't talk about 
that same in this place ; you're as fond of bulls as any 
people in all the world, so you are." 



TEDDY O'TOOLE'S SIX BULLS. 153 

^' Nonsense !" some of the party replied ] '' how do yon 
make that ont ?" 

^' Why, sure, it's very aisy, it is ; for in this paltry bit of 
a town you've got more pubhc houses nor I ever seen wid 
the sign of the bull over the doors, so you have,'^ said 
Teddy. 

^^Nay, Teddy, very few of those; but there's some of 
'em, you know, in every town." 

^^ Yes,'' said Teddy, obstinately sticking to his text, for 
he had laid a trap for his friends, ^' but you've more nor 
your share, barring that you're so fond of bulls, as I say ; 
I'm sure I can count half a dozen of 'em." 

'' Pooh, nonsense !" cried the party ; '^ that will never 
do : what'll you bet on that, Teddy ? You're out there, 
my boy, depend upon it; we know the town as well as you, 
and what wiH you bet !" 

'' Indeed, my brave boys, I'll not bet at all ; I'm no bet- 
ter, I assure ye — I should be worse if I wur." This sally 
tickled his companions, and he proceeded. '^ But I'H be 
bound to name and count the six." 

^^ Well, do, do," said several voices. 

^^Now, let me see ; there's the Black BuU.'^ 

^^ Yes, that's one." 

'' Then, there's the Eed BuU." 

" That's two." 

^' And the White Bull." 

^^ Come, that's three." 

^^ And the Pied Bull." 

^^ So there is ; you'U not go much further." 

^^ And then there's — there's — there's the Grolden Bull, in 
what's it street f 

^^WeU done, Teddy; that's five sure enough, but 
you're short yet." 

" Aye," said the little letter carrier, who sat smirking in 
the corner, '^ and he win be short, for there isn't one more, 
I know." 



154 CONNOR. 

^^ And then, remember/^ continued Teddy, carefully pur- 
suing his enumeration, " tliere^s the Dun cow." 

At this a burst of laughter fairly shook the room, and 
busy hands kept the tables and glasses rattling amidst 
boisterous cries of: 

^^ A buU ! a bull V' 

Looking serious at all around, Teddy deliberately 
asked — 

'' Do you call that a bull V 

'-To be sure it's a bull,'' exclaimed several voices at 
once. 

'' Then," said Teddy, '' that's the sixth." 

Here an unavoidable defeat in the direct was converted 
into a victory in the antipodean, by the cleverly obtained 
admission of the vanquished party themselves. 



CONNOR. 



" To the memory of Patrick Connor ; this simple stone was 
erected by his fellow-workmen." 

Those words you may read any day upon a white slab 
in a cemetery not many miles from New York ] but you 
might read them a hundred times without guessing at the 
httle tragedy they indicate, without knowing the humble 
romance which ended with the placing of that stone above 
the dust of one poor, humble man. 

In his shabby frieze jacket and mud-laden brogans, he 
was scarcely an attractive object as he walked into Mr. 
Bawne's great tin and hardware shop one day and pre- 
sented himself at the counter with an — 

^' I've been tould ye advertised for hands, yer honor." 

'^ Fully supplied, my man," said Mr. Bawne, not lifting 
his head from his account book. 

^^ I'd work faithfully, sir, and take low wages, till I could 
do better, and I'd learn — I would that." 



co:ira^OR. 155 

It was an Irish brogue, and Mr. Bawne always declared 
that he never would employ an incompetent hand. 

Yet the tone attracted him. He tm^ned briskly, and 
with his pen behind his ear, addressed the man, who was 
only one of fifty who had answered his advertisement for 
four workmen that morning. 

*^ What makes you expect to learn faster than other 
folks — are you any smarter V^ 

^^ ril not say that," said the man, ^' but Pd be wishing 
to ; and that would make it aisier." 

^^ Are you used to the work f^ 

^^ Fve done a bit of it." 

^^Muchf^ 

'' No, yer honor. TU tell no he; Tim OToole hadn^t the 
like of this place ; but I know a bit about tins." 

^^ You are too old for an apprentice, and you'd be in the 
way, I calculate," said Mr. Bawne, looking at the brawny 
arms and bright eyes that promised strength and intelli- 
gence. ^^ Besides, I know your countrymen — lazy, good-for- 
nothing fellows, who never do thek best. No, Fve been 
taken in by Irish hands before, and I won't have another." 

^^The Virgin will have to be after bringing them over 
to me in her two arms, thin," said the man, despairingly, 
^^for Tve tramped all the day for the last fortnight, and 
niver a job can I get, and that's the last penny I have, yer 
honor, and it's but a half one." 

As he spoke he spread his palm open, with an Enghsh 
half-penny in it. 

^^ Bring whom over?" asked Mr. Bawne, arrested by 
the odd speech, as he turned upon his heel and turned 
back again. 

^' Jist Nora and Jamesy." 

^^Who are they f 

^' The wan's me wife, the other me child, '^ said the man. 
^^ 0, masther, just thry me. How'h I bring 'em over to me, 
if no one will give me a job ? I v/ant to be aiming, and 



156 coimoR. 

the whole big city seems against it, and me with arms hke 
them !'^ He bared his arms to the shoulder as he 
spoke, and Mr. Bawne looked at them, and then at his face. 

^^rilhire you for a week," he said; ^^ and now as it^s 
noon, go down to the kitchen and tell the girl to get you 
some dinner — a himgry man can^t work.'' 

With an Irish blessing, the new hand obeyed, while Mr. 
Bawne, untying his apron, went up -stairs to his own meal. 
Suspicious as he was of the new hand's integrity and 
ability, he was agreeably disappointed. Connor worked 
hard, and actually learned fast. At the end of the week 
he was engaged permanently, and soon was the best work- 
man in the shop." 

He was a great talker, but not fond of drink or wasting 
money. As his wages grew, he hoarded every penny, and 
wore the same shabby clothes in which he had made his 
first appearance. 

*^ Beer costs money," he said one day, ^^ and i very cint 
I spind puts off the bringing Nora and Jamesy over ; and 
as for clothes, them I have must do me. Better no coat 
to my back than no wife and boy by my fireside ; and 
anyhow, it's slow work saving." 

It was slow work, but he kept at it all the same. Other 
men, thoughtless and fall of fun, tried to make him drink ; 
made a jest of his saving habits, coaxed him to accompany 
them to places of amusement, or to share in their Sunday 
frohcs. 

All in vain. Connor hked beer, liked fun, liked com- 
panionship ; but he would not delay that long-looked-for 
bringing of Nora over, and was not ^^mane enough" to 
accept favor of others. He kept his way, a martyr to his 
one great wish, living on little, working at night en any 
extra job that he could earn a few shillings by, running 
errands in his noon-tide hours of rest, and talking to any 
one who would listen to him of his one great hope, and 
of Nora and httle Jamesy. 



co]srKOR. 157 

At first the men, who prided themselves on bemg all 
Americans, and on tm-ning out the best work in the city, 
made a sort of butt of Connor, whose wild Irish ways and 
verdancy were indeed often laughable. But he won their 
hearts at last, and one day, mounting a work-bench, he 
shook his little bundle, wrapped in a red handkerchief, 
before their eyes, and shouted, ^^ Look, boys ; Fve got the 
whole at last ! I^m going to bring Nora and Jamesy over 
at last ! Whorooo ! ! Tve got it at last ! ! ! " All felt sym- 
pathy in his joy, and each grasped his great hand in cor- 
dial congratulations, and one proposed to treat all round, 
and drink a good voyage to Nora. 

They parted in a merry mood, most of the men going to 
comfortable homes. But poor Connor^s resting-place was a 
poor lodging-house, where he shared a crazy garret with 
four other men, and in the joy of his heart the poor fellow 
exhibited his handkerchief, with his hard-earned savings 
tied up in a wad in the middle, before he put it under his 
pillow and fell asleep. 

When he awakened in the morning, he found his treas- 
ure gone ; some villain, more contemptible than most bad 
men, had robbed him. 

At first Connor could not even believe it lost. He 
searched every comer of the room, shook his quilt and 
blankets, and begged those about him ^' to quit joking, 
and give it back." 

But at last he realized the truth. 

^^ Is any man that bad that it's thaved from me f' he 
asked, in a breathless way. ^^ Boys, is any man that bad?'' 
And some one answered: ^^No doubt of it, Connor; it's 
sthole." 

Then Connor put his head down on his hands and lifted 
up his voice and wept. It was one of those sights which 
men never forget. It seemed more than he could bear, to 
have Nora and his child ^^ put," as he expressed it, '' months 
away from him again." 



158 comroR. 

But when he went to work that day it seemed to all 
who saw him that he had picked up a new determination. 
His hands were never idle. His face seemed to say, ^^ Til 
have Nora with me yet." 

At noon he scratched out a letter, blotted and very 
strangely scrawled, telling Nora what had happened ; and 
those who observed him noticed that he had no meat with 
his dinner. Indeed from that moment he lived on bread, 
potatoes and cold water, and worked as few men ever 
worked before. It grew to be the talk of the shop, and 
now that sympathy was excited, every one wanted to help 
Connor. Jobs were thrown in his way, kind words and 
friendly wishes helped him mightily ) but no power could 
make him share the food or drink of any other workman. 
It seemed a sort of charity to him. 

Still he was helped along. A present from Mr. Bawne 
at pay day set Nora, as he said, ^^ a week nearer," and 
this and that and the other added to the little hoard. It 
grew faster than the first, and Connor^s burden was not 
so heavy. At last, before he hoped it, he was once more 
able to say, ^^ I'm going to bring them over," and to show 
his handkerchief in which, as before, he tied up his earn- 
ings ] this time, however, only to his friends. Cautious 
among strangers, he hid the treasure, and kept his vest 
buttoned over it night and day until the tickets were 
bought and sent. Then every man, woman and child, 
capable of hearing or understanding, knew that Nora 
and her baby were coming. 

There was John Jones, who had more of the brute in his 
composition than usually falls to the lot of man, would 
spend ten minutes of the noon hour in reading the Irish 
news to Connor. There was Tom Barker, the meanest man 
among the number, who had never been known to give 
anything to any one before, absolutely bartered an old 
jacket for a pair of gilt vases, which a peddler brought in 
his basket to the shop, and presented them to Connor for 



COOT^OK. 159 

his Nora's mantel-piece. And here was idle Dick, the 
apprentice, who actually worked two hours on Connor's 
work when illness kept the Irishman at home one day. 
Connor felt this kindness, and returned it whenever it was 
in his power, and the days flew hy and brought at last a 
letter from his wife. 

^^She would start as he desired, and she was well and 
so was the boy, and might the Lord bring them safely to 
each other^s arms, and bless them who had been so kind to 
him." That was the substance of the epistle which Connor 
proudly assured his fellow -workmen Nora wrote herself. 
She had lived at service as a girl, with a certain good old 
lady, who had given her the items of an education, which 
Connor told upon his fingers: ^^ The radin', that^s one, and 
the writin', that^s three, and moreover, she knows all that 
a woman can." Then he looked up with tears in his eyes, 
and asked, '^ Do you wondher the time seems long between 
me an' her, boys I" 

So it was. Nora at the dawn of day — Nora at noon — 
Nora at night — until the news came that the ^' Stormy 
Petrel" had come to port, and Connor, breathless and 
pale with excitement, flung up his cap in the air and 
shouted. 

It happened on a hohday afternoon, and half a dozen 
men were ready to go with Connor to the steamer and give 
his wife a greeting. Her httle home was ready ] Mr. Bawne's 
own servant had put it in order, and Connor took one peep 
at it before he started. 

^^ She hadn't the like of that in the ould counthry," he 
said, ^' but she'll know how to keep them tidy." 

Then he led the way towards the dock where the 
steamer lay, and at a pace that made it hard for the rest 
to follow him. The spot was reached at last; a crowd of 
vehicles blockaded the street ; a troop of emigrants came 
thronging up ; fine cabin passengers were stepping into 
cabs, and drivers, porters, and all manner of employees 



160 coioroR. 

were yelling a:tfd shouting in the usual manner. Nora 
would wait on board for her husband ; he knew that. 

The httle group made their way into the vessel at last, 
and there, amid those who sat watching for coming friends, 
Connor searched for the two so dear to him ; patiently at 
first — eagerly but patiently — ^but by and by growing anxious 
and excited. 

'^ She would never go alone," he said, ^^ she^d be lost 
entirely } I bade her wait, but I don^t see her, boys ; I think 
she^s not in it." 

a Why don^t you see the captain ?" asked one, and Con- 
nor jumped at the suggestion. In a few minutes he stood 
before a portly, rubicund man, who nodded to him kindly. 

^^ I am looking for my wife, yer honor," said Connor, 
'^ and I can't find her." 

^^ Perhaps she's gone ashore," said the captain. 

'^ I bade her wait," said Connor. 

^^ Women don't always do as they are bid, you know," 
said the captain. 

^' Nora would," said Connor ; ^^ but maybe she was left be- 
hind. Maybe she didn't come. I somehow think she didn't." 

At the name of Nora the captain started. In a moment 
he asked, ^^ What is your name ?" 

^^ Pat Connor," said the man. 

'^ And your wife's name was Nora?" 

^^ That's her name, and the boy with her is Jamesy, yer 
honor," said Connor. 

The captain looked at Connor's friends ; they looked at 
the captain. Then he said huskily, '^ Sit down, my man ; 
I've got something to tell you." 

^^ She's left behind I" said Connor. 

^^She sailed with us," said the captain. 

^^ Where is she f" asked Connor. 

The captain made no answer. 

^^My man," he said, ^^we all have our trials; God sends 
them. Yes— Nora started with us." 



CONKOR. 161 

Connor said nothing. He was looking at the captain 
now, white to his lips. 

^* It's been a sickly season/' said the captain ; ^^we have 
had illness on hoard — the cholera. You know that.'' 

'' I didn't, I can't read ; they kept it from me," said 
Connor. 

" We didn't want to frighten him," said one in a half 
whisper. 

^^ You know how long we lay at Quarantine f 

^^ The ship I came in did that," said Connor. '^ Did ye 
say Nora went ashore ? Ought I to he looking for her, 
captain f " 

^^Many died — ^many children," went on the captain. 
^^ When we were half way here your hoy was taken sick." 

^^Jamesyf" gasped Connor. 

^^His mother watched him night and day," said the 
captain, '^ and we did all we could, hut at last he died ] 
only one of many. There were five buried that day. But 
it broke my heart to see the mother looking out upon tho 
water. ^ It's his father I think of,' said she^ ^ he's longing 
to see poor Jamesy.' " 

Connor groaned. 

^^Keep up if you can, my man," said the captain. ^^ I 
wish any one else had to tell it rather than I. That night 
Nora was taken ill also, very suddenly ; she grew worse 
fast. In the morning she called me to her. ^ Tell Connor 
I died thinking of him/ she said, ' and tell him to meet 
me.' And, my man, God help you, she never said any- 
thing more— in an hour she was gone." 

Connor had risen. He stood up, trying to steady him- 
self; looking at the captain with his eyes dry as two stones. 
Then he turned to his friends. 

^^ I've got my death, boys," he said, and then dropped to 
the deck like a log. 

They raised him and bore him away. In an hour he 
was at home on the little bed which had been made ready 



162 THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 

for Nora, weary with her long voyage. There at last he 
opened his eyes. Old Mr. Bawne bent over him ; he had 
been summoned by the news, and the room was full of 
Connor^s fellow- workmen. 

^^ Better, Connor V^ asked the old man. 

^^ A dale," said Connor, ^^ it^s aisy now ; PU be with her 
soon. And look ye, masther, Pve learnt one thing — God 
is good; He wouldn^t let me bring Nora over to me, but 
he^s takin^ me over to her and Jamesy, over the river ; 
don't you see it, and her standin' on the other side to wel- 
come me f " 

And with these words Connor stretched out his arms. 
Perhaps he did see Nora — Heaven only knows — and so 
died. 



THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 

TYRONE POWKR. 

Never let it be said the days of chivalry are fled ; her- 
alds may have ceased to record good blows stricken, to 
the tune of a ^^ largesse worthie knights," — pennon and 
banner, square and swallow-tail'd sleeve and scarf, with 
all the trumpery of chivalry, are long since dead, 'tis true ; 
but the lofty, generous feeling with which that term has 
become synonymous, is yet burning clear and bright v ithin 
ten thousand bosoms, not one of which ever throbbed at 
the recollections which the word itself inspires in ^^ gentil 
heartes," or could tell the difference between Or and 
Gules, or Yert and Sable, as the following narration of a 
combat between two ^^ churles,'' or ^^ villains," as the her- 
ald would term my worthies, will, I trust, go nigh to prove. 

It was the fair night at Donard, a small village in the 
very heart of the mountains of Wicklow, when at the turn 
of a comer leading out of the Dunlavin road, towards the 
middle of the fair, two ancient foemen abruptly encountered. 



THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 16S 

They eyed one another for a moment without moving a step, 
when the youngest, a huge six-foot mountaineer, in a long 
top-coat, having his shirt open from breast to ear, dis- 
playing on the least movement a brawny chest that was 
hairy enough for a trunk, growing rather impatient, said 
in a quick under-tone, that a hstener would have set down 
for the extreme of pohteness : 

^^ You^ll lave the wall, Johnny Evans V^ 

To which civil request came reply, in a tone equally 
bland : 

^^ Not at your biddin^, if you stand there till next fair 
day, Mat Dolan." 

'^You know well I could fling you neck and heels into 
that gutter, in one minute, Johnny, me bouchil." 

^^ You might, indeed, if you call up twenty of the Dun- 
lavin faction at your back,^^ coolly replied Evans. 

^^ I mane, here's the two empty hands could do all that, 
and never ax help, 'ather,'' retorted Dolan, thrusting forth 
two huge paws from under his coat. 

^^ In the name o' heaven, thin thry it,'' said Evans, fling- 
ing the shillelagh he had up to this time been balancing 
cmiously, over the roof of the cottage by which they 
stood ; adding, ^^ here's a pair of fists, with as httle in thim 
as your own !" 

^^ It's aisy to brag by your own barn, Johnny Evans," 
said Dolan, pointing with a sneer to the police guard-house, 
on the opposite side of the way, a hundred yards lower 
down ; the peelers would not be likely to look on, and see 
a black Orangeman, like yourself, quilted in his own town, 
under their noses, by one Mat Dolan, fi:om Dunlavin, all 
the way." 

^^ There's raison in that, any way, Matty," replied John, 
glancing in the direction indicated. '^ It's not likely thim 
that's paid by government to keep the peace, would stand 
by and see it broke, by Papist or Protestant ; but I'll make 
a bargain wid you; if your blood's over-hot for your skin — 



164 THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 

which I think, to say the truth, it has long been — come off 
at once to Hell-kettle wid me, and in the hght of this 
blessed moon I'll fight it out wid you, toe to toe ; and we^ll 
both be aisier after, whichever^s bate." 

^'There's my hand to that, at a word, Johnny," cried 
Dolan, suiting the action to the word — and the hands of 
the foes clasped freely and frankly together. 

^' But are we to be only ourselves, do ye mane f ' inquired 
Matthew. 

^^ And enuff, too," answered Evans ; ^* we couldn't pick 
a friend out of any tint above, without raising a hulabaloo 
the divil wou'dn^t quiet without blows. Here, now, Fll 
give you the wall, only you jump the hedge into Charles 
Faucett's meadow, and cut across the hill by Holy-well 
into the road, where you'll meet me; divil a soul else 
you'll meet that way to-night ; and I want to call at home 
for the tools." 

^^ Keep the wall," cried Dolan, as Evans stopped aside^ 
springing himself at the same time into the road, ankle- 
deep in mud; '^1^11 wait for you at the bridge, on the 
Holy- wood glin road. Good-by." 

A moment after, Dolan had cleared the hedge leading 
out of the lands into Mr. Faucett's paddock, and Evans 
was quietly plodding his way homeward. To reach his 
cottage, he had to run the gauntlet through the very 
throng of the fair, amidst the crowded tents, whence re- 
soimded the ill- according sounds of the bagpipe and fid- 
dle, and the loud whoo ! of the jig dancers, as they beat 
with active feet the temporary floor, that rattled v^th their 
tread. Johnny made short greetings with those of his 
friends he encountered, and on entering his house, plucked 
a couple of black, business-like looking sticks from the 
chimney, hefted them carefully, and measured them to- 
gether with an eye as strict as ever gallant paired rapier 
with, till, satisfied of their equality, he put his top-coat 
over his shoulders, and departing by the back door, rapidly 



THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 165 

cleared two or three small gcardens, and made at once for the 
jBelds. As Dolan dropped from the high bank mto the lane 
near the bridge on one side, Evans leapt the gate opposite. 

^' You've lost no time, fegs," observed Matthew, as they 
drew together, shoulder to shoulder, stalking rapidly on. 

'^ IVe been vexed to keep you waiting, this time, any- 
how," replied Johnny, and few other words passed. 

Just beyond the bridge they left the road together, and 
mounting the course of the little stream, in a few minutes 
were shut out from the possibihty of observance in a wild, 
narrow glen, at whose head was a waterfall of some eigh- 
teen feet. The pool which received this little cascade was 
exceeding deep, and having but one narrow outlet between 
the huge stones, the pent waters were forced round and 
round, boihng and chafing for release ; and hence the not 
unpoetic name of Hell-kettle given to this spot. The 
ground immediately about it was wild, bare and stony, and 
in no way derogated from this fearful title. 

Near the fall is a little platform or level of some twenty 
yards square, the place designed by Evans for the battle- 
gTound. Arrived here, the parties halted ; and as Dolan 
stooped to raise a little of the pure stream in his hand to 
his hps, Evans cast his coats and vest on the gray stone 
close by, and pulling his shirt over his head, stood armed 
for the fight, not so heavy or tall a man as his antagonist 
Dolan, but wiry as a terrier, and having, in his agihty and 
training, advantages that more than balanced the differ- 
ence of weight and age. 

^^Pve been thinking, Johnny Evans," cried Dolan, as lie 
leisurely stripped in turn, ^' we must have two thrys, after 
all, to show who's the best man ; you have got the alpeens 
wid you, I see, and I'm not the boy to say no to thim, but 
I expect you'll ha' the best ind o' the stick, for it's well 
known there is not your match in Wicklow, if there is in 
Wexford itself." 

/^ That day's past, Matty Dolan," rephed Evans. ^^It's 



166 THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 

five years since you and me had bad words, at the Pattern 
o^ the Seven-churches, and that was the last stroke I struck 
with a stick. There's eight years betune our ages, and 
you're the heavier man by two stone or near it ; what more 
'ud yez have, man ahve f 

^' Oh, never fear me, John, we'll never spht about trifles," 
quietly repMed Dolan ) ^' but, see here, let's dress one an- 
other, as they do potatoes, both ways. Stand fairly up to 
me for half a dozen rounds, fist to fist, and I'll hould the 
alpeen till you're tired after id." 

^^Why, look here, Matty, you worked over-long on 
George's Quay, and were over-fiiendly with the great 
boxer. Mister Donolan, for me to be able for yez wid the 
fists," cried Evans. ^^But we'D spht the difference; I'll 
give you a quarter of an hour out o' me wid the fists, and 
youMl give the same time, if I'm able, with the alpeen 
after ; and we'll toss head or harp, which comes first." 

Eva'ns turned a copper flat on the back of his hand, as 
he ended his proposal, and in the same moment Dolan cried : 

^^ Harp forever." 

^^ Harp it is," echoed Evans, holding the coin up in the 
moon's ray, which shone out but fitfully as dark clouds 
kept slowly passing over her cold face. 

In the next moment they were toe to toe, in the centre 
of the little plain, both looking determined and confident ] 
though an amateur would have at once decided in favor of 
Dolan's pose. 

To describe the fight scientifically would be too long an 
afiair ; suffice it, that although Johnny's agility gave him 
the best of a couple of severe falls, yet his antagonist's 
straight hitting and superior weight left him the thing 
hollow : tin five quick rounds left Evans deaf to time and 
tune, and as sick as though he had swallowed a glass of 
antimonial wine instead of poteen. 

Dolan carried his senseless foe to the pool and dashed 
water over him by the hatful. 



THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 167 

^' Look at my watch," was Johnny's first word, on gain- 
mg breath. 

^^I can^t tell the tune by watch," cried Dolan, a little 
sheepish. 

^^ Give it here, man," cried Johnny, adding, as he rubbed 
his left eye, the other being fast closed, ^^ by the Boyne, 
this is the longest quarter of an hour I ever knew — it 
wants three minutes yet," and as he spoke, again he rose 
up before his man. 

^^ Sit still, Johnny," exclaimed Matthew; ^^Fll forgive you 
the three minutes, any how." 

'' Well, thank ye for that," said Johnny : ^^ I wish I may 
be able to return the compliment presently ; but by St. 
Donagh, Tve mighty httle concait left m myself, just 
now." 

Within five minutes, armed with the well-seasoned 
twigs Johnny had brought with him, those honest fellows 
again stood front to fi-ont, and although Evans had lost 
much of the elasticity of carriage which had ever been his 
characteristic when the alpeen was in his hand and the 
shamrock under his foot, in times past; although his left eye 
was closed, and the whole of that side of his physiognomy 
was swollen and disfigured through the mauling he had 
received at the hands of Dolan, who opposed him to all 
appearance fresh as at the first, yet was his confidence 
in himself unshaken, and in the twinkling of his right 
eye, a close observer might have read a sure anticipation 
of the victory a contest of five minutes gave to him, for it 
was full that time before Johnny struck a good-will blow, 
and when it took effect, a second was uncalled for. The 
point of the stick had caught Dolan fairly on the right 
temple, and laying open the whole of the face down to the 
chin, as if done by a sabre stroke, felling him senseless. 

After some attempts at recalling his antagonist to per- 
ception by the brookside without success, Evans began to 
feel a httle alarmed for his life, and hoisting him on his 



168 THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 

back, retraced his steps to the village, without ever halt- 
ing by the way, and bore his insensible burthen into the 
first house he came to, where, as the devil would have it, a 
sister of Dolan^s was sitting, having a goster with the 
owner, one widow Donne van, over a rakin^ pot o^ tay. 

^^ God save all here," said Johnny, crossing the floor with- 
out ceremony, and depositing Mat on the widow^s bed, 
" Wid^y, by yoiu- lave, let Mat Dolan he quiet here a bit, 
till I rim down-town for the doctor." 

^^ Dolan V^ screamed the sister and the widow in a breath, 
^' Mat, is it Mat Dolan that's lying a corse here, and I, his 
own sister, not to know he was in trouble f ' 

Loud and long were the lamentations that followed this 
unlucky discovery. The sister rushed fi-anticly out into 
the middle of the road, screaming and calling on the friends 
of Dolan to revenge his murder on Evans and the Orange- 
men that had decoyed and slain him. The words passed 
from lip to lip, soon reaching down to the heart of the fah^, 
where most of the parties were about this time corned for 
anything. 

'^ Johnny Evans,'^ cried the widow Donnevan, as he 
made, in few words, the story known to her, ^^ true or not 
true, this is no place for you now ; the whole of his faction 
will be up here in a minute, and you will be killed like a 
dog on the flure ; out wid you, and dovm to the guard- 
house while the coast's clear." 

*^rd best, maybe," cried Evans; ''and Pll send the 
doctor up the quicker — but mind, widow— if that boy ever 
spakes, he'll say a fairer fight was never fought — ^get that 
out of him for the love o' heaven, Mrs. Donnevan." 

'' He hasn't a word in him, I fear," cried the widow, as 
Johnny left the door, and with the readiness of her sex, 
assisted by one or two elderly gossips, who were by this 
time called in, she bathed the wounds with spirits, and 
used every device which much experience in cracked 
crowns, acquired during the hfetime of Willy Donnevan, 



THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 169 

her departed lord, suggested to her. Meantime Evans, 
whilst making his way down through the village, had been 
met and recognized by the half-frantic sister of Dolan and 
her infuriated friends, who had been all for some time 
puzzled at the absence of him who was proverbial as 
" Best foot on the flure; 
First stick in the fight." 

^^ There^s the murderer of Mat Dolan, boys," cried the 
woman, as some ten or twelve yards off she recognized 
Johnny, who was conspicuous enough, wearing his shirt 
like a herald^s tabard as in his haste he had drawn it on at 
Hell-kettle. With a yell that might have scared the 
devil, thirty athletic fellows sprang forward at full speed 
after Evans, who wisely never staid to remonsti^ate, but 
made one pair of heels serve, where the hands of Briareus, 
had he possessed as many, would not have availed him. 
He arrived at Mrs. Donnevan's door before his pursuers ; 
he raised the latch, but it gave no way ; the bar was drawn 
within, and had his strength been equal to it, further fight 
was become impracticable — turning with his back to the 
door, there stood Johnny, hke a hon at bay , uttering no 
word, since he weU knew that words would not prevail 
against the fury of his foes. Forward with wild cries and 
loud imprecations rushed the foremost of the pursuers, and 
Evans' life was not worth one moment's purchase ; a dozen 
sticks already clattered like hail upon his guard, and on 
the waU over his head, when the door suddenly opened 
inwards, back tumbled Johnny, and into the space he thus 
left vacant stepped a gaunt figure, naked to the waist, pale 
and marked with a stream of blood yet flowing from the 
temple. With wild cries the mob pressed back. 

'^It's a ghost! it's Dolan's ghost!" shouted twenty 
voices, above all of which was heard that of the presumed 
spirit, crying hi good Irish, ^^ That's a he, boys, it's Mat 
Dolan himself! able and ^dUing to make a ghost of the 
first man that lifts a hand agin Johnny Evans ; who bate 



170 THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 

me at Hell-kettle like a man and bro^t me here after, on 
his back, like a brother.^' 

^^ Was it a true fight, Maf?" demanded one or two of the 
foremost, recovering confidence enough to approach Dolan, 
who, faint from the exertion he had made, was now resting 
his head against the doorpost. 

A pause, and the silence of death followed. The brows 
of the men began to darken, as they drew close to Dolan. 
Evans saw his life depended on the reply of his antagonist, 
who already seemed lapsed into insensibihty. 

'^ Answer, Mat Dolan V^ he cried impressively, ^^for the 
love of heaven, answer me — was it a true fight f^ 

The voice appeared to rouse the fainting man. He 
raised himself in the doorway, and stretched his right 
hand towards Evans, exclaiming : 

'^ True as the cross, by the blessed Virgin!^' and as he 
spoke, fell back into the arms of his friends. 

Evans was now safe. Half a dozen of the soberest of 
the party escorted him down to the pohce station, where 
they knew he would be secure ; and Dolan^s friends, bear- 
ing him with them on a car, departed, without attempting 
any riot or retaliation. 

This chance took place sixteen years ago ; but since that 
day there never was a fair at Dunlavin that the Orange- 
man Evans was not the guest of Dolan ; nor is there a fair- 
night at Donard that Mat Dolan does not pass under the 
humble roof of Johnny Evans. I give the tale as it 
occurred, having always looked upon it as an event credit- 
able to the parties, both of whom are alive and well, or 
were a year ago; for it is httle more since Evans, now 
nigh sixty years old, walked me off my legs on a day^s 
grousing over Church-mountain, and through Oram's hole, 
carrying my kit into the bargain. Adieu. It will be a 
long day ere I forget the pool of " Hell-kettle,^^ or the 
angels in whose company I first stood by its bubbling 
brim. 



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HOWARD'S RECITATIONS. 

Comic, Serious and Pathetic. Being a carefully selected collec- 
tion of fresh Recitations in Prose and Poetry, suitable for An- 
niversaries, Exhibitions, Social Gatherings, and Evening Par- 
ties; affording, also, an abundance jf excellent material foi 
practice and declamation. Edited by Clarence J. Howard, 

co:N^TE:isrTS. 



Miss Malony on the Chinese Ques- 
tion. 

Kit Carson's Ride. A fine descrip- 
tive poetical recitation. 

Buck Fanshaw's Funeral. 

Knocked About. Monologue. 

The Puzzled Dutchman. Dialect 

Shamus O'Brien. Popular recitation 

The Naughty Little (lirl. Humorous. 

The Bells offehandon. Serious poem. 

No Sect in Heaven. A dream. 

Rory O'More's Present to the Priest. 

"Mother's Fool." A Recitation. 

Queen Elizabeth. A comic oration. 

The Starling. A recitation. 

Lord Dundreary's Riddle. 

The Stuttering Lass. Amusing re- 
cital. 

The Irish Traveler. Humorous piece. 

The Remedy as Bad as the Disease. 

A Subject for Dissection. 

The Heathen Chinee. 

Mona's Waters. Pathetic recitation. 

A Showman on the AVoodchuck. 

How Happy 111 Be. Moral recitation. 

A Frenchman's Account of tlie Fall. 

Isabel's Grave. Pathetic recitation. 

The Parson and the Spaniel. 

An Irishman's Letter. 

An Affectionate Letter. Irish style. 

The Halibut in Love. 

The Merry Soap-Boiler. 

The Unbeliever. A solemn recitation 

The Voices at the Throne. 

Lord Dundreary Proposing. A very 
comic recitation. 

The Fireman. Descriptive piece. 

Paul Revere's Ride. 

Annie and Willie's Prayer. Pathetic 

A Frenchman on Macbeth. 

The New Church Organ. 

Katrina Likes Me Pocdy Yell. Hu 
morous Ditty in Dutch dialect. 

How to Save a Thousand Pounds. 

How I Got Incited to Dinner. 

Patient .Toe. A serious recitation. 

tTimmy Butler and the Owl. 



The IVIenageiie. A wild beast show. 
Old Quizzle. 

The Infidel and Quaker. Recitation. 
The Lawyer and the Chimney- 
sweeper. 
Bill Mason's Biide. A railroad yarn. 
Judging by Appearances. 
TheDeatli's Head ; or. Honesty th« 

best Policy. 
Betsey and i are Out. 
Betsey Destroys the Paper. 
Father Blake's' Collection. 
Blank Verse in Rliyme. 
Roguerj^ Taught by Confession. 
Banty Tim. 

Antony and Cleopatra. 
Deacon Hezekiah. Description of a 

Sanctimonious Hypocrite. 
The Frenchman and the Landlord. 
The Family Quarrel. A dialogue on 

the Sixteenth Amendment. 
The Guess. Old English Recitation. 
The Atheist and Acorn, 
Brother Watkins Farewell of a 

Southern Minister. 
Hans in a Fix. A Dutchman's dream 

of Matrimony. 
To-Morrow. Poetical recitation. 
The Highgate Butcher. 
The Lucky Call. The Lost Spectacles. 
Challenging f!ie Foieman. 
The Country Schoolmaster. 
The Matrimonial Bugs and the Tray 

elers. 
Peter Sorghum in Love. Yankee 

story. 
Tim Tuff. A sharp bargain. 
The Romance of Nick Van Stanu- 
The Debating Society. Recitation. 
Deacon Stokes. 

A Tribute to our Honored Dead. 
The Dying Soldier. Pathetic poetry. 
The Yankee Fireside. Yankee 

sketches of character. 
The Suicidal Cat. An affecting tale. 
The Son's Wish. A dying father's 

bequest. 



16mo. 180 pages. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back » 50 CtSr 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 

)ick's Dutclij French and Yankee Dialect 

Recitations. An unsurpassed Collection of Droll Dutch 
Blunders, Frenchmen's Funny Mistakes, and Ludicrous and 
Extravagant Yankee Yams, each Eecitation being in its own 
peculiar dialect. To those who make Dialect Recitations a 
speciality, this Collection will be of particular service, as it con- 
tains all the best pieces that are iacidentally scattered through 
a large number of volumes of '^ Recitations and Readings,^' be- 
sides several new and excellent sketches never before published. 

170 pages, paper cover 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts. 

)ick's Irish Dialect Eecitations. A carefully 

compiled Collection of Rare Lish Stories, Comic, Poetical and 
Prose Recitations, Humorous Letters and Funny Recitals, all 
told with the irresistible Humor of the Irish Dialect. This Collec- 
tion contaiQS, ia addition to new and original pieces, all the very 
best Recitations in the Irish Dialect that can be gathered from 
a whole library of ^^ Recitation" books. It is full of the sparkling 
witticisms and queer conceits of the wittiest nation on earth ; 
and, apart from its special object, it furnishes a fand of the 
most entertaining matter for perusal in leisure moments. 

170 pages, paper cover 30 cts. 

Bound ia boards, cloth back 50 cts. 

Worcester's Letter-Writer and Book of Busi- 
ness Forms for Ladies and Gentlemen. Containing Accu- 
rate Directions for Conducting Epistolary Correspondence, with 
270 Specimen Letters, adapted to every Age and Situation hi 
Life, and to Business Pursuits in General ; with an Appendix 
comprising Forms for "Wills, Petitions, BiUs, Receipts, Drafts, 
Bills of Exchange, Promissory Kotes, Executors^ and Adminis- 
trators' Accounts, etc., etc. This work is divided into two 
parts, the portion applicable to Ladies beiag kept distinct from 
the rest of the book, in order to provide better facilities for 
ready reference. The Orthography of the entire work is based 
on "Worcester's method, which is coming more and more into 
general use, from the fact that it presents less ambiguity in 
spelling. 216 pages. Bound in boards, cloth back .... 50 cts. 



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SPENCEH'S BOOK OF COMIC SPEECHES 

HUMOHOUS RECITATIONS. 

A collection of Comic Speeches and Dialognes, Hnmorons Prose 
and Poetical Recitations, Laughable Dramatic Scenes and Bur- 
lesques, and Eccentric Characteristic Soliloquies and Stories. 
Suitable lor School Exhibitions and Evening Entertainments. 
Edited by Albert J. Spencer. 

co:n'te:n'ts. 



The Yanlvce Landlord. 

His Eye was Stern and Wild. 

The Godd:.\ss of Slang-. Comic. 

Dick, the Apotliee-arv's Apprentice. 

Courting- in i reuch HoUow. Dialect 
Eecital. 

The Case Altered. 

The Fox and the Eangcr. Dialect 
Dialogue for 2 mides. 

The Declaration. 

The Warrantee Deed. Comic Song 
or Recitation ; with Chorus. 

A Wight's Adventure. Thrilling. 

Julia. Comic Love Scene. 

Saying not ]Meaning. Humorous. 

16,000^ Years Ago. " Negro Burlesque 
for 3 males. 

The Nimmers. Degrees of Crime. 

Gucom and the Back-log. 

AVidow Bedott's ^Mistake. Dialogue 
for 1 male and 1 female. 

Categorical Courtship. Ho"w a Bash- 
ful Lover "popped the Question." 
Mr. Artemus Ward crossing Dixie. 
My Last Shirt. Pathetic Ehap- 

sodv. 
The Three Black Crows. 
The Barber's Shop. For 2 males. 
Paddv O'Rafther. Irish Dialect. 
Decidedly Cool. Scene for 2 males 

and 1 female. 
The Frenchman and the Eats. 
The Jester Condemned to Death. 
Kindred Quacks. Physic and Divi- 

nitv. ^. - , 

Hans Breitmann's Party. Dialect. 
The Generous Frenchman. Dialect. 
Saint Jonathan. A Poem of to-day. 
Stump speech. Highfalutin' Style. 
The kival Lodgers. Farce for 2 

m!".les and 1 female. 
The Frenchman and the Mosquitoes. 
The Maiden's Mishap. 
The Pemoval. An Amusing Recital. 
Talking Latin. Characteristic. 
Praving for Pvain. 



Paper covers. Price 

Bound in boards, cloth back. 



The Darkey Photographer. Negro 
scene for 3 males." 

Paddy and his Musket. Fnnny. 

Hezekiah Bcdott. Gossipy Style. 

Uncle Eeuben"s Tale. 

Mr. Caudle has been to Greenwich 
Fair. 

The Chemist and his Love. 

The Disgusted Dutchman. Dialect 
Dialogue for 3 males. 

The Frightened Traveler. An Ad- 
venture. 

Economy. The Jewess and her Son. 

Clerical Wit. Tme Lies. 

The School House. Descriptive Piece. 

Daniel rersvfi Dishclont. 

Spectacles, or Helps to Bead. 

The Pig. Colloquial Poem in praise 
of this much despised animal. 

A Stray Parrot. Farce for 1 male 
and 2 females. 

Dame Fredegonde. A Priest's advice. 

Toby Tosspot. Convivial A dventure- 

Coui-tship and Matrimony. 

Pings and Seals. PoeticaL 

The" Biter Bit. A WaU of the For- 
saken. 

Pat and the Gridiron. Amusing 
Dialect Recitation. 

Tlie Barmecide's Feast. ^ Burlesque 
for .5 males, with directions. 

Th# Country Pedagogue. Descrip- 
tive Sketch after Nature. 

The Middle-aged Man and Two Wid- 
ows. 

The Saratoga Waiter. Funny Negro 
Scene for 2 males. 

The Wrangling Pair. A Monologue. 

A ConnulDial Eclogue. Poetical 
Dialogue for 1 male and 1 female. 

The Itahan from Cork. Scene in a 
Justice's Court, for 3 males. 

Gasper Schnapps' Exploit. A Brag- 
gart's Boast. 

Epilogue. Suitable for eonclusion of 
an Entertainment. 

30 ets. 

o 50 cts. 



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CHECKERS AND CHESS. 

Spayth's American Draught Player ; or. The Theory and 

Practice of the Scientifi.c Game of Checkers. Simplified and Illustrated 
with Practical Diaijrams. Containing upwards of 1,700 Games and Posi- 
tions. By Henry Spayth. Sixth edition, with over three hundred Correc- 
tions and Improvements. Contaminfj^: The Standard Laws of the Game — 
Full instructions— Draught Eoard Numbered— I^ames of the Gnmes. and 
how formed — The " Theory of the Move and its Changes " practically ex- 
plained and illustrated wiih Diagrams— Playing Tables for Draught Clubs — 
New Systems of numberinc: the Buard — Prefixing signs to the Variations — 
List of 'Draught Treatises and Publications chronologically arranged. 
Bound in cloth, gilt side and back... $3.00 

Spasrth's Game cf Eranghts. ^y nemy Spajth. TMs book 

IS designed as a supplement to the author's first work, "The Amorican 
Draught Player"'; but it is complete in itself. It contains lucid instructions 
for beginners, laws of tlie game, diagrams, tlic score of 'VA games, together 
with :H novel, ijistructive and ingenious " critical positions." 
Cloth, gilt back and side S1.50 

Spayth's Draughts or Checkers for Beginners. This trea- 
tise was written by Henry Spayth, fae celebrnted player, and is by far the 
most complete and instructive elementary work on Draughts ever published.- 
It is ]>rofusely illustrated with diagrams of ingenious stratagems, curious 
positions and perplexing problems, and contains a great variety of interest- 
ing and instructive Games, progressively arranged and clearly explained 
■w ith notes, so tliat the learner may easily comprehend them. With the aid 
of this iVIannal a beginner may soon become a proficient in the game. 
Cloth, gilt side ^. ". 75 cts, 

Scattergood's Game of Drang'hts, or Checkers, Simplified 

and Explained. With practical Diagrams and Illustrations, together with a 
Checicer-Board, numbered and printed in red. Containing the Eighteen 
Standard Games, with over --200 of the best variations, selected from vaiious 
authors, with some never before published. By D. Scattergood. 
Bound in cloth, with flexible covers 50 ctSt 

Marache's Manual of Chess. Containing a description $f the 
Board and Pieces, Cliess N"otation, Technical Terms, v>-ith diagrams illus- 
trating them. Laws of the Game, Pelative Yalae of Pieces. Prelimin-'-j 
Games for Beginners, Fifty Openings of Games, giving tJl tlie latest dij- 
coveries of Modern Masters, with tlie best games and co^nous notes, Tu'ent^ 
Endings of Games, sliov.'ing easiest >^ays of efFectin^"- Checkmate, Thirty- 
six ingenious Diagram Problems, and sizteen cnnous Ciiess Stratagems, 
being one of the best Books for Beginners ever puDdshed. By N. Marache. 

3')0und in boards, cloth back - 50 ets. 

Boujid in cloth, gilt side 75 cts. 

DICK & FITZG-ERALD, Publishers, 

Doi 3975. NEW TORK. 



Popular Books seat Free of Postage at the P rices annesed. 

READINGS AND RECITATIONST 



and Crirls. Coutuinmg- yhort and casiij-leunu'd Speeches and DiaWues 
expressly udapted lor School Celebrations. May-Dav Festiyals a lot ^^^ 
Cliildren s J:.uienainmenis. Embracmg one hundred and l wentv^h ee e W 
tivepieees. isj Airs. Kussell Kavunuuoh. illummated pap Wvct 30 c^ 
Bound in boards, cloth back * ^ '-'^> ^-i . oy ciS 




Kavanaugh's Juvenile Speaker. For very Little Eovs 

and Girls. Contuiniug- .short and easily-learned Speeches and DiaWui 
expressly adapted lor School ('plohrnfions. ai,.,- t^.!., i.-..^?:" , . K^^^^' 

other 

ellec- 

> Cts. 

60 cts. 

Com- 

t, 

nc^ 

.J. ^.v.v.v..v.v,.x V.X ^.^.luiiijj. a:.aiLcu ny ' -n. ii Dick. Each nnmber of the 

50 cts. 

Beecher's Recitations and Eeadinffs. Humorons, Serious, 

JJramatieineludin- Prose and Poetical Selections in Dutch, Yankee, Irish, 

l^egroandoiherlialects. J^Upages, paper covers 30 CtS^ 

Bound in boards, cloth back ..50 eta! 

Howard's Recitations. Comic, Serious and Pathetic. Beinff 

acolleciion ot Iresh lieciUitions in Prose and Poetry, suitable for Exhibi- 

tions and J.veninii: Parties. 18 J pa-es, paper covers.. . 30 cts 

Bouudm boards, cloih back ^q ^g* 

Spencer's Book of Comic Speeches and Humorous Recita- 
tions. A collection of (.'oniie Speeches, llninorous I^rose and i'oetical 
liecitations, Laughable Dramatic Scenes and Eccentric JJialect Stories 

JD,» pages, paper covers 3q ^fg 

Bound in boards, cloth back 5q ^J^I 

Wilson's Book of Recitations and DialogncG. Containing a 

choice selection of Poetieal and Prose liecitations. Designed as an Assist- 
ant to Teachers and Students in preparing Exhibitions. 

188 pages, paper covers 30 ctS. 

Bound in boards, Avith cloth back ^0 Cta. 

Barton's Comic Recitations and Humorous Tidoijues. 

Tariety of Comic liecitations in Prose and l^oetry, Eccentric Orati 

and Laughable Interludes. 180 pages, paper covers. ." 30 CtS. 

Bound ill boards, with cloth back 50 Cts. 

Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque 

Orations. Also containing Tluniorons Lectures, Ethiopian Dialognes, Plan- 
tation Scen-^s. Xegro Farces and Builcsciues, Laughable Interludes and 

Comic Kecitations. ] 88 pages, ]3aper covers 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, illuminated 50 CtS. 

Martine's Droll Dialogues and Lau^rhable Recitations. A 

collection of Humorous Dialogues, Comic Pecitations, Brilliant Burlesques 

and Spirited Stump Speeches. 1 88 pages, paper covers 30 Ct3. 

Bound in boards, with cloth back T 50 Cts. 

WE WILL SEND A CATALOGUE containing a complete list 
of all the pieces in each of the above toolcs, to any person luho 
will send us their address. Send for one, 

DICK & FITZG-ERALD, Publishers, 

Box 39T5. NEW YORK. 



I 



A 

ations 



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% ^ — . ^ 

DIALOGUE BOOKS, 

Hie Dialogues contained in these hooks are all entirely original; 
some of them heing arranged for one sex only, and others for 
both sexes combined. They develop in a marlccd degree the ec- 
centricities and peculiarities of the various characters which are 
represented in them; and are specially adapted for School Ex- 
hibitions and other celebrations, which mainly depend upon the 
efforts of the young folks, 

McBride's Comic Dialogues. A collection of twenty- t.iiree 

Original Humorous Dialogues, especially designed for the display of Ama- 
teur dramatic talent, and introducing a yariety of sentimental, sprightly, 
comic and geimine Yankee characters, and other ingeniously developed eccen- 
tricities. By H. Elliott McBride. 180 pages, illuminated paper covers. .30 CtS. 
Bound in boards 50 CtS. 

McBride's All Kinds of Dialogues. A collection of twenty- 
five Original, Humorous and Domestic Dialogues, introducing Yankee, 
Irish, Dutch and other characters. Excellently adapted for Amateur Per- 
formances. 180 pages, illuminated paper covers 30 ctS. 

Bound in boards 50 ctfJ. 

Holmes' Very Little Dialogues for Very Little Folks. Con- 
taining forty-seven Kew and Original Dialogues, with short and easy parts, 
almost entirely in words of one syllable, suited to the capacity and compre' 

hension of very young children. 'Paper covers 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 ct3. 

Frost's Dialogues for Young Folks. A collection of tliirty- 

six Original, Moral and Humorous Dialogues. Adapted for boys and giria 
between the ages of tea and fourteen years. By S. A. Prost. 

176 pages, paper covers 80 Ct3. 

Bound in boards 50 Ct3. 

Frost's IJew Book of Dialogues. Containing twenty-nine en- 
tirely IsTew and Original Humorous Dialogues for boys and girls between tho 

ages of twelve and fifteen years. 180 pages, paper covers SO cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back. . . = 50 et3. 

Frost's Humorous and Exhibition Dialogues. This is a col- 
lection of twenty -five Sprightly Original Dialogues.^'in Prose and Yerse, in- 
tended to be spoken at School Exhibitions. 178 pages, paper covers. SO ct3. 
Bound in boards 50 ct3. 

WE WILL SEND A CATALOGUE free to any address, con- 
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together with the number of boys and girls required to perform 
them. 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 

Box 3975. NEW YOKIt. 



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AMATEUR THEATRICALS. " 

All the plays m the following excellent books are especially de- 
signed for Amateur performance. The majority of them are in 
one act and one scene, and may he represented in any moderate- 
sized parlor, without much preparation of costume or scenery. 

Burton's Amateur Actor. A complete guide to Private Theat- 
ricals ; giviiijj plain directions for arranging, decorating and lighting tiio 
Stage; with rules and suggestions lor mountiug, rehearsing and perfonn- 
ing'all kinds of Plays, Parlor Pantomimes and Shadow Pantomimes, llius. 
trated with numerous engravings, and including a hcleetion of original Plays, 

with Prologues, Epilogues, etc. i6mo, illuminated paper ccver 30 cts. 

Eound in boards, with cloth back . . ; 50 CtS. 

Parlor Theatricals; or, Winter Evenings' Entertainment. 

Containing Acting Proverbs. Dramatic Charades, Drawing-lioom Pauto- 
mimes, a Musical Burlesque and an amusing Farce, with instructions for 

Amateurs. Illustrated with engravings. Paper covers 30 CtS. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 CtS. 

Howard's Book of Drawing-Room Theatricals. A collec- 
tion of twelve sliort and anmsing plays. Some of the plays are adapted fot 

performers of one sex only. 1 80 pages, paper covers 50 ctS. 

Bound in boards, with cloth bacli. . ' 50 ctS. 

Hudson's Private Theatricals. A collection of fourteen humor- 
ous plays. Four of these plays are adapted for performance by males only, 

and tliree are for females. 1 Va) pages, paper covers 30 CtS 

Bound in boards, \\ itii cloth back 50 CtS. 

Nu^ent's Burlesque and Musical Acting Charades. Con- 

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tive Comic Parlor Operas, A\ith Music'and Piano-forte Accompaniments. 

17(J pages, papsT covers 3U ctS. 

Bound in boards, clotli back 50 ctS. 

Frost's Dramatic Proverbs and Charades. Containing eleven 

Proverbs and fifteen Charades, some of which are for Dramatic Performance, 
and others arranged for Tableaux Vivants. 17G pages, paper covers. 30 ctS. 
Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 cts. 

Frost's Parlor Acting Charades. These twelve excellent and 

original Charades are arranged as short parlor Comedies and Farces, full of 
brilliant repartee and amusing situations. 18-2 pages, paper covers. .30 cts. 
Illuminated boards 50 (j{g. 

Frost's Book of Tableaux and Shadow Pantomimes. A 

collection of Tableaux Vivants and Shadow Pantomimes, with stage in- 
structions for Costuming. Grouping, etc. 180 pages, paper covers. .30 CtS. 
Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 ctS. 

Frost's Amateur Theatricals. A collection of eight original 

plays ; all short, amusiuiz: and new. 180 pages, paper covers • .30 ctS. 

Bound in boards, \^ith cloth back 50 ctS. 

WE WILL SEND A CATALOGUE containing a complete list 
of all the pieces in each of the above books, together tvith the 
number of male and female characters in each play, to any per- 
son who ivill send us their address. Send for one. 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 

Box ^975. BfElW YORK* 



Popular Books sent Tree of Postage at the Prices annesed. 
Mrs, Partington's Carpet-Bag of Fun. A collection of over 

1,000 of the niost Comioai Stories, Amusing Adventures, Sicle-Splilting 
jokes, Ciieek-extendiug Poetry, i'miuy Conundrums, Queer iSaying-.s of 
Mrs. Partington, Heart-Eendiiig Puns, "Witty liepartees, etc. Tlie \'\hol8 
illustrated by about 150 comic Avood-cuts. 
12mo, 300 pages, ornamented paper covers » ... .75 ct3. 

Harp of a Thousand Strings; or, Laugliter for a Life-time, 

A book of nearly 400 pages ; bound in a handsome gilt cover ; crowded full 
of funny stories, besides being illustrated with over" 200 comic engravings, 
by Darley, McLenuan, Jiellew, etc .^1.50 

CMps from Uncle Sam's Jack-Knife. Illustrated ivith over 

100" Comical Engravings, and comprising a collection of over 500 Laugliable 
Stories, Funny Adventures. Comic Pcetry, Queer Conundrums, TerriQo 
Puns and Sentimental Sentences. Large octavo 25 ets. 

Tox's Eblllopian Camicalitieo. Contaiiiing Stranga Sayings^ 
Eccentric Doings, Burlesque Speeches, L-iughable Drolleries and Funny 
Stories, as recited by the celebrated Ethiopian Comedian 10 ci:3. 

Ned Turner's Circus Joke Book. A collection of the best 

Jokes, Bon Mots, Kepartees, G-ems of '\Vit and Funny Sayings and Doings 
of the celebrated Equestrian Clown and Ethiopian Comedian, Xed Tttr- 
ner iO ct3. 

Ned Turner's Black Jokes, A collection of Fnnny Stories, 
Jokes and Conundrums, interspersed with ^Titty Sayinijs and Humorous 
Dialogues, as given by ISTed Turner, the celebrated Ethiopian Delinea- 
tor 10 cts. 

Ned Turner's, Clown Joke Book. Containing the best Jokes 

and Gems of Wit, composed and delivered by the fa^■orite Equestrian Chjwn, 
Ned Tiumer. Selected and arranged by G. E. G 10 CC3. 

Charley Wilite's Joke Book. Containing a full expose of all 
the most laughable Jokes. T\"itticism.s, etc., as told by the celebrated 
Ethiopian Comedian, Charles White .' lo cts. 

Black Y/it and Darky Conversations. By Charles TThite. 

Containing a large collection of laughable Anecdotes, Jokes, Stories, \'. itti- 
cisms and Darky Conversations .10 cts. 

Yale College Scrapes ; or, How the Boys Go It at Hew 

Haven. This is a book of 114 pages, containing accounts of all the famous 
"Scrapes" and "Sprees" of which students of Old Yale have been 
guilty for the last quarter of a century 25 ct3. 

Laug'Mns^ Gas. An Encyclopedia of Tv^it, Wisdom and TTind. 

By Sam Slick, Jr. Coraicaliy illustrated with 100 original and laughable 
Engravings, and nearly COO side-extending Jokes 30 CtS. 

Tiie KnaDsack Full of Fun; or, l^OOOEations of Laughter. 

Illustrated with over 100 comical engrnvings, and containing Jokes and 
Eimny Stories. By Doesticks and other witty writers. Large quarto . .30 cts. 

The Comical Adventures of Bavid Bufficks. Illustrated ^ith 

over one hundred Fttnny Engravings. This is a book foil of fun 25 cts. 

Tlie Pla-e of Cliowder. A Dish for Funny Felloes. Appi'o- 
priately illustrated with 100 comic engravings. 12mo, paper covers. . L J C'i^S. 



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The Young Debater and Chairman's Assistant. By an ex- 

]!y^oinber of^tlic Philadelpliiti Bnr. Containinir iustriictioiis how to Form 
and Conduct Societies; how to Form and Conduct Chibs and other orpm- 
ized Associations; liules of Order for the Government of tlieir Business and 
Debates; liow to Compose Kesolutions, IJeports and Petitions; how to 
Ors;-anize and ]!danai;e Public ^eetiii.iis, Celebrations, Dinners, Pic-Nics 
aad Conventions; Duties of the President and other Officers of a Chib or 
Society, with Otiicial Forms; Hints on Debnto and Pulilic Spealdni;-; 
Forms for Constitutions and By-Laws. To any one who desires to become 
familiar with the duties of an Officer or Com^mittee-maii in a Society or 
Association this work will be invaluable, ns it contains the most minute in- 
structions iu cverythins^ that pertains to the routine of Society Business. 

15:;3 pages, paper covers 30 cts. 

Bound" iu boards, with cloth back 50 Ct3. 

How to Conduct a Debate. A Series of Complete Debate?, 
Outlines of Debates and Questions for Discussion. In the complete do- 
bates, tiie questions for discussion are dehned. tiie debate formally opened, 
an array of brilliant arguments adduced on either side, and the debate ch)sed 
according- to parhumentary usages. The second part consists of questions 
for debate, with heads of arguments, for and against, given iu a condensed 
form, for tho speakers to enlarge upon to suit their own fancy. In addition 
to these aie a large collecliou of debatable quesiions. The authorities to 
be referred to for information beiui? piven at the close of every debate 
throughout tlio work. By Frederic Kowton. 2'3'2 pages, 16mo. 

Paper covers 50 CtS, 

Bound in boards, cloth back 'i 5 CtS. 

The Vegetable Garden. Containing thorough instructions for 

Sowing, Planting and Cultivating all kinds of Vcgetablcc;, with plain direc- 
tions for preparing, manuring and tilling the soil to suit each plant; includ; 
ing. also, a summary of the work to be (lone in a Yegetable Garden during 
each month of the year. This Avork embraces, in a condensed but thoroughly 
practical form, all the information that either an amateur or a practical 
gardener can require in connection with the successful raising of Vegetables 
and Herbs. It also gives separate directions for the cukivation of some 
seventy different Vegetables, including all the varieties of esculents that 
form the ordinary stock of a kitchen garden or truck farm. By James Hogg. 

110 pages, paper covers 30 CtS. 

TuU cloth 50 Cts. 

The Amateur Trapper and Trap-Mal^er'S Gnide. A com- 
plete and carefully prep.ared treatise on the art of Trapping, Snaring aiul 
Netting. This comprehensive m ork is embchished Avith hfty engraved illus- 
trations; and these, together with the clear exphmations which accompany 
them, Avill enable anvbody of moderate comprehension to make and set any 
of the traps describecl. It also gives the baits usually employed by the most 
successful Hunters and Trappers, and exposes their secret methods of 
attracting and catching animals, birds, etc., -with scarcely a possibility of 

failure. Large lf;mo, p^iper covers bO Cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 75 Cts, 

How to Write a Composition. The nse of this excellent hand- 
book will save the student tlie many hours of labor too often wasted in trying 
to write a plain composition. It affords a perfect skeleton of one hundred 
and seventeen different subjects, with thoir iieadiiigs or divisicms clearly 
defined, and each heading filled in with the ideas which the subject sug- 
gests ; so that all the writer has to do. in order to produce a good composi- 
tion, is to enlarge on them to suit his taste and inclination. 

I^ 178 pages, paper covers 30 ctS, 

Bound in boards, cloth back « 50 ctS. 



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Barber's American Book of Ready-Made Speeches. Con- 
taining 159 oriiiinal examples of Humorous and Serious "Speeches, suitable 
for every possible occasion wliere a speeck may be called lor, together with 
ap[)ropriate replies to each. laciuding: 



Ojf-Hcnid Speeches on a Variety of 

Subjects. 
Miscellaneous Speeches. 
Toaats and Sentiments for Public and 

Private Entertaiujn ents . 
Preambles and Resolutions of Con- 

gratulation^ Compliment and Coiir 

dolence. 



Presentation Speeches. 

Convivial Speeches. 

Festival Speeches. 

Addresses of Congratulation. 

Addresses of Welcome. 

Addresses of OompUment. 

Political Speeches. 

Dinner and Supper Speeches for Clubs. 
etc. 

With this book any person may prepare himself to make a neat little speech, 
or replv to one when called upon to do so. They are all short, appropriate 

and witty, and even ready speakers may protit by them. Paper 60 CtS. 

Bound ill boards, cloth back 75 CtS. 

Day's American Eeady-Reekoner. By B. H. Day. This 

Eeady-lieckoner is composed of Original Tables, which are posit irely cor- 
rect, having been revised in the m;)st careful manner. It is a book of 192 
pages, and embraces more matter thiiu .5 paL'-es of any other Reckoner. It 
contains: Tables for Rapid Calculations of Aggregate* Values, Wages, Sal- 
aries, J3oard, Interest Money, etc.; Tables of Timber and Plank Me isure- 
ment ; Tables of Board and Log Measurement, and a great variety of Tables 
and useful calculations which it would be impossible to enumerate in an adver- 
tisement of this limited space. All the information in this valuable book is 
given iji a simple manner, and is made so j)! da, that any person can use it 
at once without any previous study or loss of time. 

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Bound in cloth, gilt back 75 Ct3. 



Tlie Art and Etiquette of Making Love 

Courtship and Matrimony. It tells 



A Manual of Love, 



JSow to cure hashfnlness. 

How to coni)nence a courtship, 

Hoiv to please a siueetheart or lover, 

How to write a love-letter, 

Hoiv to ''ijop the question.^'' 

Hovj to act before and after avroposal, 

How to accept or reject a proposal, 



How to break of an engagement, 
How to act after an engagement, 
How to act as bridesmaid or grooms- 

fnan. 
Hoiv the etiquette of a. wedding and the 

after reception should be observed, 



And. m fact, how to fulfill every duty and meet every contingency con- 
nected With courtship and matrimony. 17o pages. Paper covers '60 ctS. 

Bound in boards, cloth back .59 g^g, 

Frank Converse's Complete Banjo Imtmctor Without a 

Master. Containing a choice collection of Bnnjo Solos and Hornpipes. Walk 
Aronnds, Reels and Jigs. Songs and Banjo Stories, progressively arransred 
and plainly esplained. enabling the learner to become a proficient banjoist 
wirhout the aid of a teacher. The necessary explanations accorapanv each 
tune, and are placed under the notes on e'ach page, plainly showincr the 
sfcrijig required, the finger to be used for stopping it. the manner of striking, 
and the number of times it must be sounded. The Instructor is illustrated 
with diagrams and explanatory symbids. 100 pages. Bound in boards, 
cloth back 5O q^^ 

Hard Words Made Easy. Rules for Pronunciation and Accent ; 
Avith instructions how to pronounce French, Italian, German, Spanish, and 
other foreign names 12 ctS. 



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Rarey & Knowlson's Complete Korse Tamer and Farrier. 

AJS^ewand Impvoyed Edition, containing : Mr. Karej's AYbole Socn>t of 
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Young- Colts, and Urealiing thein to the Saddle, to Harness and the SulKv 
Ivules for ^electing- a Good Horse, and ior .Feeding- Horses. Also tlie Coin- 
plete Pariier or Horse Doctor; being- the result of hffv rears' extensive 
practice of the author, John C. Kuowlsou, during- his life an'English Carrier 
of high popularity ; contaiuiug- the latest diseov eries in t ho cure of Spavin 11- 
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How to Amuse an Evening Party. A Complete collection of 

Home l^ocreations. Profusely Illustrated ^vith over Two Hinidred line 
"Wood-cuts, coiitaininpr liound Games and Forfeit Games. Parlor Ma«»-ic and 
Curious Puzzles, Comic Hiversious and Pai-lor Tricks, Scie'ititic Kecreations 
and Evening- Amusements. A young man with this volume may render him- 
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hearts of all the ladies, by his powers of entertidnment. Bbimd in orna- 
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Bound in boards, with cloth back .,..,,. .,,.\ '. * .5 cts". 

Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society. A Com- 

?lete Treatise on Etiquette. Containin^r plain and Eeliable Directions for 
)eportmeiit in every Situation in Eife, by 8. A. Frost, author of "Frost's 
Letter-Writer." etc. This is a book of ready reference on tiie nsai»es of So- 
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Frost's Original Letter- Writer, A coBiplete collection of Orig- 
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■v\ith plain dii'cc'.ions about everything- connected \\\ih writing a'letter. By 
S. A. Erost. To uhich is added a comprehensive Table of Synonyms, alone 
■worth double the price asked fur the book. AVe assure our readers that i: is 
the best collection of letters ever published in this country; tliey are Avritten 
in plain and natural language, and elegant in style without being high-flown. 
Eound in boards, cloth back, with illuminjded sides 00 cts, 

North's Book of Love-Letters, ^ith directions how to write 
and when to nse thera, and 12() Specimen Letters, suitable for Lovers of any 
age and condition, and nudei' all circumstances. Interspersed w ith the au- 
thor's comments thereon. The -whole forming a convenieiu Hand-book of 
valuable information and counsel for the nse of those who need friendly 
[guidance and advice in matters of Love, Courtship and Marriage. By Li- 

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Eouud'in cloth 75 cts. 

How to Shine in Society; or, The Science of Conversation. 

Containing the principles, lavrs and general usages of polite society, includ- 
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agreeable conversation, and for choosing' topics appropriate to the time, 
plnce and company, thus affording immense assistance to the bashful and 
diffident. 16mo. Paper covers k 5 CtiJ. 

The Poet's Companion, A Dictionary of all Allowable Ehymes 
in the English Language. This gives the Perfect, the Imperfect and Allow- 
able Ehymes, and will enable you to ascertain to a certainty Avhethcr an^ 
word can be mated. It is invaluable to anyone who desires to court the 
Muses, and is used by some of the best writers in the country 5^5 cts. 

Mind Your Stops. Punctuation made plain, and Composition 
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Five Hundred French Phrases. A book giving all the French 

"words and maxims in general use in writing the English language.. .1.0 ctSi 



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Warped anl AVove for Public "Wear, by Geur-e "\» . Harris, lilustrutcd 
with eiu'lit fine full pag-e eugraviugs, from designs by Iloward. It ^ould bo 
ditficult. we tiiink, to'crauT a larger amouut of paiigeiit humor into 303 
pno-es than will be found in this regally funny book." The Preiace ar;d Ped- 
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12mo, tinted paper, cloth, giit edges ^.l.o J 

TJliele Josh's Tmnkful of Fun. Containing a rich collection of 

Xeiv Conundrums, Mirih-Provoldng 
CurioKS Puzzles, Aimisin^ Card 



Comical Stories, Cruel Sells, 

Side- Splitting Jokes, Humorous Foet- 



Quaint Parodies, Burlesque Ser- 
mons, 



Tricks, and 
A-:<tonishing Feats of Farlor-ALaglc. 



This book is illnstrated with nearly 200 funny engravings, and contains, in 
64 large octavo double-column pai^-es. at least three times as much rcadmg 
matter and real f mi as any other Book of the price 15 Ctii, 

The Strange and WonderM Adventures of Bachelor 

Butteriy. Showing how his passion for isatui'al History completely 
eradicated the tender passion implanted in his breast— also detailing his 
Extraordinary Travels, both by sea and land— his Hair-breadth Escapes 
from hre and cold — liis being come over by a Wido^v with nine small 
chiLdron— his wonderful Adventures with the j3octor and the Fiddler, and 
other Perils of a most extraordinary nature. The whole illnstrated by about 
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The Laughable Adventures of Messrs. Brown, Jcnes and 

Rabinsoil. Showing where they went, and how they went, what they did, 
and how they did it. Here is a book which will make you split your sides 
laughing. It shows the comical adventures of three jolly yonn"' greenhorns, 
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tures. Illustrated with nearly 2u0 thr 11 !i r.gly-comic engravings 30 CtS. 

The Mishaps and Adventures of Obadiah Oldbiick. This 

humorous and curious book sets forth, with 188 comic drawintrs, the mds- 
fortunes which befell Mr. Oldbuck ; and also his five unsuccessfur attempts 
to commit suicide — his hair-breadth escapes from fire, water and fnmiii^e — 
his aifection for his poor dog, etc. To look over this book will make you 
laugh, and you can't help it c J ets. 

Jack Johnson's Jokes for the Jolly. A collection of Funny 

Stories, Droll Incidents, Queer Conceits and Apt Eepartees. Illustratine;' 
the DroUeries of Border Life in tlio ^ost. Yankee Peculiarities, Dutch 
Blunders, French Sarcasms, Irish Wit and Humor, etc.. with short Ludic- 
rous Xarratives ; making altogether a Medley of Mirthful Morsels f*r the 
Melancholy that will drive away the bines, and cause the most misanthropic 
mortal to laugh. Illustrated paper covers 25 ct3, 

SnipsnaT3S and Snickerinfrs of Simon Snod^rass. A eollec. 

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Blarney, Ludicrous Dutch Blunders, Queer Yankee Tricks and Dod ^^es, 
Backwoods Bonstins:. Huinors of Horse-trading, Xegro Comicalities. Per- 
ilous .''ranks of Eio'hting Men. Frenclimen's Queer ?»ristakes. Scotch Shrewd- 
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and complete Medley of TYit and Humor. It is also full of funny engrav- 
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Madame Le Norniancrs Fortune Teller. An entertaininpr 

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i^Tapoleon. A party of lailies and gentlemen may amuse themselves for 
hours with tliis curious book. It tells fortunes by " The Chart of Fate " (a 
larji-e lithoiiTaphic chart), and gives 024 answers to questions on every imag- 
inable subject that may happen in the futui e. It explains a variety of ways 
for telliiii^ fortunes by Cards and Dice; gives a list of 79 curious old su- 
perstitions and omens, and lb7 weather omens, and winds up with the cele- 
br;ited OracuJum of Xnpcjleon. We will not endorse this Ixiokas infallible; 
but vre assure our readers lliat it is the source of much mirth whenever in- 
troduced at a gathering of ladies and gentlemen. Eoundin boards. 40 Cts. 

The Fireside Magician; or, TI13 Art of Ilatural Magic 

Made Easy. Being a scientific explanation of Legerdemain, Physical 
Amusement, TJecreative Chemistry, Diversion with Cards, and of all the 
mysteries of Mechanical ]SIagic, with feats as i)erformed by Herr Alexander, 
liobert Heller, liobert Iloudin, "The Wizard of the ISTorth," and distin- 
guished conjurors — comprising two hundred and fifty interesting mental and 
pliysical recreations, with explanatory engravings, llj.3 pages, paper. 30 ctj. 
Bound in boards, cloth back 50 CtS. 

Hcward's Book of Conundrums and Eiddles. Containing 

over l.-2)J of the best Conundrums, liiddk-s. Enigmas, Ingenious Catches 
and Amusing Sells ever invented. This s;'lendid collection of curious para- 
doxes will allord the niaterialfor a never-ending feast of lun and amusement. 
Any person, with the assistance of this; book, may take the lead in enter- 
taining a co;ui)any, and keep them in roars of laughter for hours together. 

Paper covers 30 Cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts. 

The Parlor Magician; or, One Hundred Tricks for the 

Draw]nf?"-Eooin. Containing an extensive and miscellaneous collection of 
Conjuring and Legerdemani, embracing: 'Tricks wiih Dice, Dominoes and 
Carils ; 'iricks ^\itli Kibbons, Kings and Truit; Trick's with Coin, Hand- 
kerchiefs and Balls, etc. The whole illustrated and clearly explained with 

IJL cnnTavings, Paper covers 30 Ct3. 

Bound in boards, with cloih back 50 CtS. 

Book of Riddles aiid £00 Home AmnsemenLS. Containing 

a curisms collection of Kiddles, Charades and Enigmas ; Kebuses, Anagrams 
and Transpositions; (Jonundrums and Amusing Puzzles; Kccreations in 
Arithmetic, and Queer Sleights, and numerous other Entertaining Amuse- 
ments. Illustrated ^^■ith 60 engravings. Paper covers SO CtS. 

Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 CtS. 

The Book of Fireside Games. Containing an explanation of a 
variety of Witty. KoUicking. Entertaining and Innocent Games and Amus- 
ing Forfeits, suited to the Family Circle as a Kecreation. This book is just 
the thing for social gatherings, parties and pic-nics. Paper covers .30 Ct3. 
Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Ct3. 

The Book of 500 Curious Puzzles. Containing a large collec- 
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^Numbers, Amusing Tricks in Geometry; illustrated with a great variety of 

Engravings. Paper covers 80 CtS. 

Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts. 

Parlor Tricks with Cards. Containing explanations of all the 

Tricks and Deceptions with Playing Cards ever invented. The whole illus- 
trated and made plain and easy with 70 engravings. Paper covers. .80 CtS, 
iioimd in boards, w^itli cloth back. 50 CtS. 



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Day's Book-Keeping Without a Master. Containing the Ru- 
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proper Forms and liules for opening and keeping condensed and general iiuok 
Accounts. This work is printed in a beautifid script type, and hence com- 
bines the advantages of a handsome style of wriiing wich its very simple and 
easily understood lessons in Book-keeping. Tnc several pages liave ex- 
planations at the bottom to assist the learner, in smaii type. As a pattern 
for opening book accounts it is especially valuable— particularly for those who 
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use 00 cts. 

Blank Books for Day's Eook-lLeeping. "We have for sale 

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Por G-eaeral Book-keeping, pages 4 and o ; for Cash Account on page 13; 
for Dav-Book in Single Eiitry, pages 15 to 25. ICo. 2— For Condensed Ac- 
counts', pages 9 and'iJ ; for Cash Account, page r2; for Journal in Double 
Entry, pages 34 to 43. No. 3 -For Ledgers in Double or Single Entry, pages 
26to'44. Each Number 5U CtS. 

How to Learn the Sense of 3,000 French Wor^ in one 

Hour. This ingenious little book actually accomplishes all that its title 
claims. It is a fact that there are at least tliree thousand ^'ords in the 
Erench language, forming a large proportion of those used in ordinary con- 
versation, which are spelled exactly the same as in English, or become the 
same by very slight and easily understood changes in tneir termination. 16- 
mo, illuminated paper covers 25 Ct3. 

How to Speak in Public; or, The Art of Extempore Oratory. 

A valuable manual for those who desire to become ready olf-hand speakers ; 
containing clear directions how to arrange ideas logically and quickly, in- 
eluding illustrations, by the an.ilysis of speeches delivered by some of the 
greatest orators, exemplifying the importance of correct empliatiis, clearncs.v 
of articulation, and appropriate gesture. Paper covers ^:5 CtS. 

Live and Learn. A guide for all those who Tvish to speak and 
write correctly; particularlv bitended as a Book of Reference for the solu- 
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&c.. containing examples of l.OOU mistakes of daily occurrence in speaking, 
writing and pronunciation. Cloth, 16mo, 216 pages 75 ct3. 

The Art of Dressing Well. By Miss S. A. Frost. TMs book is 

designed for ladies and gentloraou who desire to make a favorable impres- 
sion upon society. Paper covers 30 ct3. 

Bound in boards, cloth back , 50 ct3. 

Thimm's French Self-Taught, A new system, on the most 

simple principles, for Universal feelf- Tuition, with English pronunciation of 
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rendered less laborious and more thorough than by any of the old methods. 
By Eranz Thimm 25 Ct3. 

Thimm's German Self-Tanght. Uniform with 'Trench Self- 
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Thimm's Spanish Self- Taught. A book of self-instruction in 

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Thimm's Italian Sell-Tailght. Uniform in style and size with 
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CARD AND OTHER GAMES. 

''Trump's" American Hoyle; or, Gentleman's Hand-Book 

of Games. This work contains an exhaustive treatise on AVhist, by William 
Pole, F.K.S., and the rules for playing that game as laiU down hj the Hon. 
James Clay. It also contains clear descriptions of all ihe g-umos played 
in the United States, with the American rules for playing them ; including 
Eachre, Bezique, Cribbage, All Fours, Loo, Poker, 'Brag, Piipier, Pedro 
Sancho, Penuchle, Kailroad Euchre, Jack Pots. Ecaite, Boston, Ca.^sino, 
Chess, Checkers, IJackgammon, Jiilliards, iJominocs, and a hundred other 
games. This work is designed as an American authority in all games of 
skill aud chance, and will settle any disputed point. It has been prepaied 
with great care, and is not a re-hash of English u-ames, but a liye American 
book, expressly prepared for American i)iayers. Tde American Hoyle 
contains .VJ.") p.iges, is printed on tine white paper, bound in cloth, with extra 
gilt side and beveled boards, aud is profusely illusirated ^2.00 

The Modern Pocket Hoyle. By '' Trumps." Containing all 
the games of skill and chance, as played in this country at the present time, 
beingan "authority on all disputed points." This valua'ble manual is all orig- 
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erent games Ht^rf pages, pa[>er coyers 50 cts. 

Bound in boards, with cloth back J 5 cts. 

Bound ill cloth, gilt side and back $1..^5 

Hoyle 's Games. -A- complete Manual of the laws that govern all 
games of skill and chance, including Card Games, Chess, ('lieckers, Domi- 
noes, Backgammcm. Dice. Billiards (as ])layed in this country at the present 
time), and all Fndd Games. Entirely oiiginal, or thoioughly revised from 

the latest and best American authorities. I'aper coyers 50 ctS. 

Boards 75 cts. 

Cloth, gilt side Si.25 

Wallier's Cribbage Made Easy. Being a new and complete 
Treatise on the Game in nil varieties. By George Walker, Esq. A very 
comprehensive work on this Game. It contains over 5UU examples of how 
to discard for your own and your adversary's crib. 
142 pages, bound iu boards 50 ctS. 

100 Tricks With Cards Exposed and Explained. By J. H. 

Green, the Eeforn^ed Gambler. 'This book exposes and explains all iho 
Mysteries of the Gambling Tables. It is interesting not only to those \s ho 

play, but to those who do not. Paper covers SO cts. 

Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 cts. 

How Gamblers Win; or, Tlie Secrets of Advantage Play- 
ing* Exposed. Being a complete and scientific expose of the manner of 
playing all the various advantages in the various Card Games, as practiced 
by professional gamblers. This work is designed as a warning to self-confi- 
dent card-players. Bound in boards, Avith cloth back 50 ctS. 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 

Box 3975. NE"W YVUIS.. 



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Martme s Sensible Letter- Writer. Being a comprehensiYe 

and complete Guide and Assistant for those -^ho desire to cam" on Episto- 
lary Correspondence; containino.- a larie collection of model letters on the 
simx)lest matters of life, adapted to ail ages and conditions— 



EMBRACING, 



Letters of Courtesy, Friendship and 
Affection ; 

Letters of Condolence and Sympathy ; 

A Choice Collection of Lovc-Lcttcrs, 
for Every Situation in a Courtship ; 

Notes of Ceremony. Familiar Invita- 
tions, etc., together ivith Xotes of 
Acccp>tance and Regret. 



JBusiness Letters ; 

Aijpllcatlons for Employment, with 

Letters of Fecommendation and 

Ansiuers to Advertisement'^ ,- 
Letters hetiveen Farents and Children; 
Letters of Friendly Counsel and Fe- 

inonsfrance ; 
Letters soliciting Advice, Assistance 

and Friendly Favors ; 

The whole containin;? 300 Sensible Letters and Xotes. This is an inyalua- 
ble book for those persons Mho have not had smlicient practice to enable 
them to write letters without great clibrt. It contains such a yariety of 
letters, that models may be found to suit every subject. 

2j7 patrcs, bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts. 

Eoimd in cloth 75 ctS. 

Martine's Hand-Eook of Etiquette and Giiide to True 

Politeness. A complete Manual for ail those who desire to understand 
good breeding, the customs of good society, and to avoid incorrect and 
vulgar habits. Containing clear and comprehensive directions for correct 
manners, conversation, dress, introductions, rides for good behavior at 
Dinner Parties and the Table, with hints on carving rind wine at table; 
t(\gether with the Eiiquette of t!ie Ball and Assembly Boom, Evening 
Parties, and the usages to be observed when visiting or receiving c:dls; 
Deportment in the sireet and when traveling. To which is added the Eti- 
quette of Courtship, Marriage, Domestic Duties and tifty-six rules to be ob- 
served in general society. Ey Arthur Martine. Bound* in boards . .50 et3. 
Bound in cloth, gUt sides 75 cts. 

Dick's Qnadrilie Call-Book and Ball-Eoom Prompter. Con- 
taining clear directions hoAv to call out the figures of every dance, with the 
quantity of music necessary for each figure, and simple explanations of all 

• the figures which occur in Plain and Fancy Quadrilles. This book gives 
plain and comprehensive instructions how to dance all the new and popular 
dances, fully describing 



The Opening March or Folonaise, 
Various Flain and Fancy Quadrilles, 
Waltz and Glide Quadrilles, 
Flain Lancers and Caledonians, 
Glide Lancers and Caledoiiians, 
Saratoga Lancers, 
The FaHsian Varieties, 
The Frince Imperial Set, 
Social and Basket Quadrilles, 
Ni7ieF*in and Star Quadrilles, 
Gavotte and Minuet Quadrilles, 



March and Cheat Quadrilles, 
Favorite Jigs and Contra-Dances, 
Folka and Folka Jiedowa, 
Fedoiva and Fedoiva Waltz, 
Folka Mazourka and Old Stifle Waltz, 
Modern Plain Waltz and Glide, 
Boston Fij) and Hoj) Waltz, 
Five-Step Waltz and Schotti.^che, 
Varsovienne arid Zulma L' Orientale, 
Galop and Deux Temps, 
Esmeralda, Sicilienne, Banish Dance, 



AND OVER ONE HUNDKED FIGUKES FOR THE *' GERMAN ;" 

To which is added a Sensible Guide to Etiquette and Proper Deportment in 
the Ball and Assembly Koom, besides seventy pages of dance music for the 
piano. 

paper covers 50 cts. 

Bound in boards 75 cts« 



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Lola Montez' Arts of Beauty; or, Secrets of a Lady's 

Toilet With hints to Gentlemen on the Art of Faseinatina. Lula Monicz 
here explaiijs all the Arts employed by tlie celcbi-iUed beauties and lasbioi- 
able ladies in Parin and other cities of Europe, for the purpose of j,rescrviiv 
their beauty and improving and develo[)in.;- their charms. The ] ceipc.s are 
all clearly iz-iven, so that any person can understand them, and the work em- 
braces the followinj;- subjects : 

How to obtain such desirable and in- A Soft a }id Abundant Jlcad of Hair- 

dispensable attractions as A Hand- Also' How to lieinedy (iray Hair- ' 

some Form ; ^ And harmless but effectual methods of 

A Brijht and Smooth Skin ; removing Superjhious Hair and 

A Beautiful ComjAexion ; other blemishes, tvith interesting in- 

Attraetiue Eyes, ATouth and LijJS ; formation on these and kindred 

A Beautiful Hand, Foot and Ankle; matters, 

A Well-trained Voice; 

Illuminated paper cover 25 cts. 

Hillgrove's Ball -Room Guide and Complete Dancing- 

Ma~vt3r. Containmir a plain treatise on Etiquette and JDeportment at Balls 
and Parties, with valuable hints on Dress and the Toilet, tog-ether with 
Full Explanations of the lludlmenfs;^ 
Terma, Figures and Steps used in 
Dancing; 



Including Clear and Precise Instruc- 
tions how to dance all kinds of Quad- 
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/»V<'Z.?, Hound, Plain and Fancy 
Dances, so that any person may 
learn them without the aid of a 
Teacher; 

To which is added easy directions how 
to call out the Figures 



of every dance, and th9 amount of music required for ench. Illustrated 
with 17'J descriptive en-ravings. Py T. ilillgrove, Professor of Danciuff. 

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The Banjo, and Hew to Play it. Containing, in addition to 

the elementary studies, a choice cnllcction of Polkns. TTaltzes, Solos, Scliot- 
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aid of a teacher. This work is arranged on the jn-ogressive system, sliow- 
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next notes, and soon, a email. portion at a time, until he lias mastered tho 
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Row's national Wa^^es Tables. Showing at a glance the 

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Bow's Complete Fractional Ready-Eeckoner. For buying 

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How to Cook Potatoes, Apples, Eggs and Fish, Four 

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The American Housewife and Sitohsn Birector3r. This val- 
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How to Cook and How to Carve. Giving plain and easily 

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The American Home Cook Book. Containing several hun- 
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How to Mix all Kinds of Fancy Drinks. Containing clear and 

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Wtat Shall We Do To-Mght? or, Social Aniusements for 

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The Secret Out; or, 1,000 Tricks with Cards, and Other 

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gives, besides, a great many new ones. Tlie Mhole being described so care- 
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Athletic SBOrts for Boys, A Eepository of Graceful Recrea- 
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EXAMPLE. 



Why did the first patriarchs attain 
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tween the books of Kings and Chron- 
icles? 



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Isaiah a strong proof of the authen- 
ticity of the ivhole Bible ? •* 

Why did our Saviour receive the name 
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yVhy did John the Baptist hesitate to 
administer the rite of Baptistn to 
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The Reason Why: General Science. A care- 
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things that daily fall under the eye of the intelligent observer, 
and of which he seeks a simple and clear explanation. 
EXAMPLE. 



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clouds ? 
Why does dew form round drops upon 

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to light? 
Why do some colors fade, and others 

darken, when exposed to the sun ? 
Why is the sky blue ? 

This volume answers 1^325 similar questions. 356 pages, bound 
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The Reason Why: Natural History. Giving 

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EXAMPLE. 



Why has the lion such a large mane ? 
Why does the otter, tvhen hunting for 

fish, swim against the stream ? 
Why do dogs turn around tivo or three 

times before they lie down ? 
Why have fl.at fishes their upper sides 

dark, and their under sides white? 



Why do sporting dogs m^ake what is 
termed " a point ".? 

Why do birds often roost upon one leg ? 

Why do frogs keep their mouths closed 
ivhile breathing ? 

Why does the loren build several nests ^ 
but occupy only one ? 

This volume answers about 1,500 similar questions. 
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The American Boy's Book of Sports and 

Games. A Kepositoiy of In and Out-door Amusements for 
Boys and Youths. Containing 600 large 12mo pages. Illus- 
trated with nearly 700 engravings, designed by White, Herrick, 
Weir and Harvey, and engraved by I^. Orr. This is unquestion- 
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paration, and embraces all the sports and games that tend to de- 
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relieve the tedium of leisure hours, both in the parlor and iha 
field. 




The engravings are in the first style of the art, and embrace 
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Jack Johnson's Jokes for the Jolly. A col- 
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The Art and Etiquette of Making Love. A 

Manual of LovG; Courtshii) and Matrimony. It tells 

Mow to Cure Bashfulness ; 

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Sow to Flease a S^ueetheart or Lover,- 

How to Write a Love-Letter ; 

How to ''Pop the Question""; 

How to Act Before and After a Pro- 
posal; 

How to Acceptor Reject a Proposal; 

Hoiu to Break off an Engagement; 

How to Act After an Engagement; 

Hoiv to Act as Bridesmaid or Grooms- 
man; 

How the Etiquette of a Wedding and the 
After-Reception Should he Observed; 

And; in fact, how to falfill every duty and meet every contin- 
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also a choice collection of sensible Letters suitable for aU the 
contingencies of Love and Comtship. 

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Dick's Quadrille Call-Book and Ball-Eoom 

Prompter, Containing clear dhections how to call out the 
figures of every dance, with the quantity of music nee .sary for 
each figure, and simple explanations of all the figure: d steps 
which occur in Plain and Fancy Quadrilles. Also, a i analy- 
sis and description of aU the"^ steps employed in 1 favorite 
round dances, fully describing : 



Tfie Opening March or Polonaise, 
Various Plain and Fancy Quadrilles, 
Waltz and Glide Quadrilles, 
Plain Lancers and Caledonians, 
Glide Lancers and Caledonians^ 
Saratoga Lancers, 
The Parisian Yarieties, 
The Prince Imperial Set. 
Social and Basket Quadrilles, 
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March and Cheat Quadrilles, 

Favorite Jigs and Contra-Dances, 

Polka and Polka Redoiva, 

Redowa and Redoiva Waltz, 

Polka Mazourka and Old Style Waltz, 

Modern Plain Waltz and Glide, 

Boston Dip and Hop Waltz, 

Five- Step Waltz and Schottlsche, 

Varsovienne, and Zidma L'Orienfale, 

Galop and Deux Temps, 

Esmeralda, Sicilienne, Danish Dance, 



AND OVER ONE HUIN'DRED FIGURES FOR THE ^^GERMAJN" '/^ 

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Keiv Conundrums, 
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Astonishing Feats of Parlor-Magic 




^<£ 



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Barber's American Book of Ready-Made 

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IlTCLUDlxa 

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Dinner and Supper Speeches for 
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! Of-Ha7id Speeches on a Variety of 

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The Amateur Trapper and Trap-Maker's 

Guide. ^ complete and careMly prepared treatise on the art 
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of Animals, Birds, etc., with their special uses in each case ; in- 
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The Magician's Own Book. One of the most ex- 
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the Whole Art of Conjnring; and all the Discoveries in Magic e\ er 
made, either by ancient or modern philosophers. IT EXPLAINS 



All Sleight of Hand Tricls; 
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and Oatvanism; 
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Optics, etc.; 
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East Lynne ; or, The Earl's Daughter. Li- 
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"Trump's" American Hoyle ; or, Gentleman^s 

Hand-Book of Games. This work contains an exhaustive 
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All Fours. Loo, Fcler, Brag, Piquet, Checkers, Backgarnmon, Billiards, 
Pedro Sancho, Penuchle, llailroad Dominoes, and a hundred other 
Euchre. Jack Pots, Ecarie, Boston, 



4. 4. 


f 





This work is designed as an American authority in all ^,ames ot 
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